by Kristie LeVangie
A friend of a friend who had been a Mormon missionary came across this “guide,” circa 1970, on tattered photocopy. Ironically, the pages were stuck together, which they found quite amusing.
Who’s the first one they thought to send it to?
Me, of course.
I enjoy the shit out of a good piece of anti-masturbation propaganda. It feeds my soul while propelling me to keep educating the masses about the realistic expectations and issues involved in sexual activity and behaviors.
Of course, I’m probably going to hell for my sarcastic comments in this article, but if you don’t laugh at least once (at the stupidity of it, or at my clever humor– see in red below), we do have a money-back guarantee.
STEPS IN OVERCOMING MASTURBATION
Mark E. Petersen
Council of the 12 Apostles
Be assured that you can be cured of your difficulty. Many have been, both male and female, and you can be also if you determine that it must be so. This determination is the first step. That is where we begin. You must decide that you will end this practice, and when you make that decision, the problem will be greatly reduced at once.
But it must be more than a hope or a wish, more than knowing that it is good for you. It must be actually a DECISION. If you truly make up your mind that you will be cured, then you will have the strength to resist any tendencies which you may have and any temptations which may come to you. After you have made this decision, then observe the following specific guidelines:
A Guide to Self-Control:
1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes. Because nothing lascivious ever happens in the bathroom.
2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company. Even if you have to pay for it…oh, wait…
3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don’t suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things. Okay, hold on. Considering that 90% of men and 65% of women masturbate regularly, your “friend pool” just decreased SIGNIFICANTLY. And I’d venture to say the other 10% and 35% respectively are lying or too embarrassed to admit it to a scientific fact-finding stranger.
4. When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror. Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes — just long enough to bathe and dry and dress AND THEN GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family present. Because rubbing it to get it clean or rubbing it to dry it off doesn’t nothing to get you excited.
5. When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes. By the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you. Riiiiiiigghhttttt. Tight restrictive clothing + excited member = avoidance. I know my math is rusty, but…
6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED AND GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND FIX YOURSELF A SNACK, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry, and despite your fears of gaining weight. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak. So let me get this straight. You are substituting turkey sandwiches for self-pleasure, so after enough turkey sandwiches and 50 additional pounds, you’ll feel so bloated and unappealing that you’ll be forced to masturbate because you no longer feel attractive and no one wants to be around you? Me thinks this author hates sex.
7. Never read pornographic material. Never read about your problem. Keep it out of mind. Remember — “First a thought, then an act.” The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mind. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act. Never read pornographic material, watch prime time television, look at advertisements, read classic literature, watch Disney cartoons, fuck around on YouTube, or read product descriptions on packaging (especially for shampoos). A.K.A. Live in a vacuum.
8. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books — Church books — Scriptures — Sermons of the Brethern [sic, Cistern too?]. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of Scripture, preferably from one of the four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. The four Gospels — Matthew, Mark, Luke and John — above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities. Yeah, because there is no sex in the Bible. See the Libidacoria: THE Late Night Talk Show episode “Oh, God! Putting the Sex in Religion” episode.
9. Pray. But when you pray, don’t pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep [it] in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for the Missionaries, the General Authorities, your friends, your families, BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVER — NOT IN CONVERSATION WITH OTHERS, NOT IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT OUT of your mind! The attitude of a person toward his problem has an affect [sic] on how easy it is to overcome. It is essential that a firm commitment be made to control the habit. As a person understands his reasons for the behavior, and is sensitive to the conditions or situations that may trigger a desire for the act, he develops the power to control it. Avoiding your issues is a great way to live a guilt-free, productive life. Isn’t the first step to any program admitting that you have a problem?
We are taught that our bodies are temples of God, and are to be clean so that the Holy Ghost may dwell within us. Masturbation is a sinful habit that robs one of the Spirit and creates guilt and emotional stress. It is not physically harmful unless practiced in the extreme. It is a habit that is totally self-centered, and secretive, and in no way expresses the proper use of the procreative power given to man to fulfill eternal purposes. It therefore separates a person from God and defeats the gospel plan. This self-gratifying activity will cause one to lose his self-respect testimony becomes weak, and missionary work and other Church callings become burdensome, offerins.
To help in planning an effective program to overcome the problem a brieation is given of how the reproductive organs in a young man function.
(Insert boring science stuff here on how the male body works. I’m sure it was inserted to make masturbation boring….SKIP!!!)
1. Pray daily, ask for the gifts of the Spirit, that which will strengthen you against temptation. Pray fervently and outloud when the temptations are the strongest. Because crying out that you need to masturbate in front of the temptation will make that desire dissipate. Better hope you are only attracted to inanimate objects or this could get embarrassing.
2. Follow a program of vigorous daily exercise. The exercises reduce emotional tension and depression and are absolutely basic to the solution of this problem. Double your physical activity when you feel stress increasing. Because clearly testerone, increased blood flow and gym locker rooms are now depressants for libido.
3. When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell “STOP!” to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then recite a prechosen Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn. It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge. “Animal” by NIN or “I’m Sexy and I Know It” by LMFAO are probably counterproductive here. And after you yell “STOP!” but still do it, did you technically rape yourself?
4. Set goals of abstinence, begin with a day, then a week, month, year and finally commit to never doing it again. Until you commit yourself to never again you will always be open to temptation. Look to your local priest or preacher as good examples.
5. Change in behavior and attitude is most easily achieved through a changed self-image. Spend time every day imagining yourself strong and in control, easily overcoming tempting situations. Just hope you aren’t a narcissist who gets turned on by his own reflection or a generally sexy beast.
6. Begin to work daily on a self-improvement program. Relate this plan to improving your Church service, to improving your relationships with your family, God and others. Strive to enhance your strengths and talents. So working on a plan to improve my masturbatory skills probably isn’t a good plan???
7. Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself to be with others and learn to enjoy working and talking to them. Use principles of developing friendships found in books such as How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Just don’t think about them naked, get turned on by new conversation and magnetic personalities, or go to dance clubs and grind on strangers.
8. Be aware of situations that depress you or that cause you to feel lonely, bored, frustrated or discouraged. These emotional states can trigger the desire to masturbate as a way of escape. Plan in advance to counter these low periods through various activities, such as reading a book, visiting a friend, doing something athletic, etc. Because 50 Shades of Gray, fuck buddies and gym locker rooms have no known erotic inspirations.
9. Make a pocket calendar for a month on a small card. Carry it with you, but show it to no one. If you have a lapse of self control, color the day black. Your goal will be to have “no black days”. The calendar becomes a strong visual reminder of self control and should be looked at when you are tempted to add another black day. Keep your calendar up until you have at least three clear months. Yes, because keeping something in your pocket, rubbing against your deprived cock, is clearly a brilliant idea. I’m sure that when you are hard and repeatedly ”adjusting” your pocket, your black marker and pocket calendar are in the forefront of your mind and not that half-naked chick on the beach towel who hasn’t noticed her top has slipped and her nipple is now exposed.
10. A careful study will indicate you have had the problem at certain times and under certain conditions. Try and recall, in detail, what your particular times and conditions were. Now that you understand how it happens, plan to break the pattern through counter activities. Because fondly recalling all those times where you beat your meat won’t excite you in the least bit.
11. In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called “aversion therapy”. When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act. Hello, fetish…remember me? I now get excited by copraphilia, golden showers, and gerbilling.
12. During your toileting and shower activities leave the bathroom door or shower curtain partly open, to discourage being alone in total privacy. Take cool brief showers. Yes, because exhibitionism or shower sex aren’t highly erotic activities. And just so I understand. You can display yourself for other’s masturbatory pleasure, but doing it yourself is wrong?
13. Arise immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity. Isn’t it arising part of the problem here? And isn’t masturbation an enthusiastic activity when done right?
14. Keep your bladder empty. Refrain from drinking large amounts of fluids before retiring. But a little whiskey or vodka never hurt???
15. Reduce the amount of spices and condiments in your food. Eat as lightly as possible at night. Because not only does eating spicy foods before bedtime cause nightmares, it may now also cause masturbation. Wow…nachos are not scary AND erotic.
16. Wear pajamas that are difficult to open, yet loose and not binding. And watch out for those long John’s with the trap door. They could get you in A LOT of trouble.
17. Avoid people, situations, pictures or reading materials that might create sexual excitement. DO NOT PICK UP YOUR COPY OF 4PLAY OR LIBIDACORIA: IN A PLAIN BROWN WRAPPER. I REPEAT DO NOT PICK UP YOUR COPY OF 4PLAY OR LIBIDACORIA: IN A PLAIN BROWN WRAPPER.
18. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly held in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases. But please make sure the physical object is not a dildo, vibrator or pocket pussy.
19. In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep. Because there’s nothing erotic about a little bondage.
20. Set up a reward system for your successes. It does not have to be a big reward. A quarter in a receptacle each time you overcome or reach a goal. Spend it on something which delights you and will be a continuing reminder of your progress. Like a hooker.
21. Do not let yourself return to any past habit or attitude patterns which were part of your problem. Satan Never Gives Up. Be calmly and confidently on guard. Keep a positive mental attitude. You can win this fight! The joy and strength you will feel when you do will give your whole life a radiant and spiritual glow of satisfaction and fulfillment. Or you could come down off your faulty moral high road, realize that masturbation is a healthy activity, and listen to a few episodes of the Shades of K–: Chronicles of Libidacoria podcast. I guarantee a hop in your step, a smile on your face, and closer connection to spirituality as you cry out, “Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!.”