by Kristie LeVangie
Now that we have tech…
There appears to be a growing number of people that can’t keep themselves occupied enough. You know you’ve seen them.
If they aren’t posting status updates about their boredom, they are requesting you to like their status for 3 truths and a lie or….
You know…some of these bored fuckers are app developers.
I mean what’s more dangerous than a skill set, some technology, and all the time in the world?
Okay, well, there’s that.
But this week I’ve made it my civic duty to occupy these fuckers, so drumroll please….
I bring you apps that are a complete waste of time.
Starting with the app that appears to be the greatest time sucker ever made:
1. Hold On! by IMAK Creations (Apple)
No. I’m not asking you to pause. This app literally is what it says it is.
You see that “Hold On” button in the center? Yeah. You just hold it. You hold it for as long as you can. And if you are a loser who associates with other losers who have nothing better than to hold a button for hours on end, you can compete against one another.
2. iSteam by Konstantinos Eleftheriou (Apple)
You know those foggy mornings when you were a kid and you would etch an “I ❤ U” in the windshield of your mom’s car?
What about the steamy bathroom after showers when you would draw on the mirror?
Well, it’s now on your phone.
Literally blow on your mic to haze your cell screen and then take your finger and write all over it.
Just like an Etch-a-Sketch, you just shake it to start all over.
You can also use a photo as your background. The app has a one-tap share function, so you can impress your friends with how much time you have to do meaningless things like blow on your phone and make finger art.
3. Sim Stapler by Freeverse (Android)
Have you ever thought to yourself, “Man, I really want to staple something. I really NEED to staple something.”?
This reviewer did:
For those of us that actually recognize that our phones can’t really staple anything, the developers taut this is an app that takes “the dream of stapling without a stapler” from “a dream” to reality. They say it’s “the first true office equipment simulator” and “brings all of the thrill and excitement of a ‘real’ stapler right to your screen!”
Guaranteed to feed your OCD tendencies when it comes to office supplies. Just watch your fingers. You wouldn’t want to imaginarily staple your fingers together.
4. Ordain Thyself by The JoPa Group (Apple)
This app was developed to satisfy your curiosity of what you would look like dressed as different types of religious figures. Are you sinner and want to see what your antithesis would look like?
Now guys, this is for Entertainment Purposes only. Don’t think you can ordain yourself. (Believe me the app developers point that out specifically. I can’t imagine the crazy complaints they get.)
Garb yourself as a minister, rabbi, imam, priest or swami. How about a Klingon priest? Yep, they don’t discriminate when it comes to religion, and you’ll find over two dozen options.
Then share your fake ordainment with your friends….because you have time to fake religion but not to participate in it actually.
5. Nose Candy by FDP Games (Android)
Want to satiate your inner sinner? Go the opposite way with Nose Candy. (Also known in some circles as The Charlie Sheen app.) Prostitutes not included.
I mean what’s a bored soul to do with their time other than cut coke on your mobile?
Vial, razor and the $100 bill are all included. There are 5 difficulty levels and your phone vibrates when you are high. Be careful not to shake your phone though, or you’ll splash the blow.
Then, do as all good drug users do, snort the white candy and earn points against your friends.
Not an Amy Winehouse? Maybe you are more of a Willie Nelson? Check out their latest app, “Roll A Joint“!
7. Pet Baby by trashicon (Apple)
After you are high and completely wasted…
Okay, maybe not THAT wasted.
After the coke- or pot-induced philosophical banter…
Exercise your muscle as the most horrible parent EVER and get this next app. By now, I’m sure the conversation has surfaced about how your baby would look as your pet, right?
I knew. See, I knew.
Well, wonder no more. Combine the pictures of your dog with the pics of your adorable baby and create something completely hideous.
As if that weren’t humiliating enough, share the horror with your Facebook and Twitter followers or drunk email it to your mom.
This won’t haunt your child in 15 years at all!
8. Zit Picker by Modern Alchemists Apps (Android)/Pimple Popper by (Android & Apple)
Are you a completely sick and twisted bastard?
Have a compulsion to expel puss?
Yeah. I can barely bring myself to write this one.
But I do bring you two options coming in at #8.
Challenge your other disgusting friends to some “nasty pimple popping action” in Zit Picker for your Android.
You can even use your own face.
Available on both Android and Apple is Pimple Popper, same principle but a little less graphic. This one uses cartoon images.
The app developers, Room Candy Games, present Pimple Popper as a “zit zapping, pimple popping, squeeze-o-rama!” with 3 types of pimples to squeeze out.
Work your way up to be the “Master Pimple Popper”.
9. Paper Racing by Elite Games (Android)
Haven’t had your fill yet of bathroom-related apps?
Try Paper Racing.
Just drag the little hand off the roll of toilet paper and do it fast! You are competing with your friends for the fastest time.
Why is this so annoying when in real-life your cat does it…
But it’s okay to do in the game???
Oh, that’s right. No clean up.
10. Poo Log by AvatarLabs (Apple)/Bowel Mover Lite by Track & Share Apps, LLC (Apple)
For this next set of apps coming in at #10, we focus again on the bathroom, and unless you have a medical reason to do so, I’m going to again call you a sick bastard for downloading either of these next apps.
Introducing the new ways to log your…well, logs.
PooLog is “a digital timer and journal for recording and studying the wondrous uniqueness of each bowel movement” according to the developers and was based on the best-selling book, “What’s Your Poo Telling You?” by Josh Richman and Anish Sheth MD.
With this app, you can track your digestion and graph your poo.
As if logging it was not enough, the app also gives you fecal trivia and humor with some educational reference material thrown in for good measure (all puns intended).
Perhaps you prefer Bowel Mover Lite.
Dr. Oz does. Thanks to him this app gained a surge in popularity.
This one seems to have more of a medical focus and “can be helpful in trying to make correlations between bad symptom days and other stuff going on in your life – diet, stress, coffee intake, and so forth.” Track your bowel movements, water intake, stress, gluten-free days, BM notes, and BM textures.
But as stated before, if you don’t have a medical purpose for doing so, there must be better uses of your time than poo tracking.
Or is there?
11. Places I’ve Pooped by (Apple & Android)
Finally, I present the ultimate time suck.
As if measuring, comparing, and logging weren’t enough, “check in” to every facility where you drop a load.
That’s right. It’s the FourSquare for bowel movements, Places I’ve Pooped.
According to one reviewer, “Pooping in places normal people don’t. I swear this Places I’ve Pooped app has changed my life for the better.”
I’m sure it will do the same for you. It’s just what you were missing in your life, right?
Now that I’ve wasted a few hours of my life wasting hours in yours, you’re welcome.
Until next time…