by Kristie LeVangie
My theme this week seems to be “communication.” It keeps rearing its ugly head here and there. And the more it pops up, the more I find myself thinking about it…particularly when it comes to relationships.
So as I ponder it, I ask myself…
Why are we no longer talking to the people we are fucking?
We are allowing full-on genital penetration, but not really getting to know one another, sharing our intimate needs or opening ourselves up to experience.
I’m pretty good about communicating my sexual needs to my partners. I’m an assertive woman in the bedroom. What I don’t say in words, I make clear in hand placement or a shift in position.
It’s the intimacy I suck at.
I’ll be the first to admit that I’m far too quick to jump to bed with the men in my life. With exception of a rare few, sex has always led into a relationship. So I never really get to know the man behind the penis.
I also have emotional mechanisms in place to prevent too early an attachment now. They have developed over heartbreaks, and now result in my offering VERY little information until they prove their intent is more long-term. This can often take months, or in some cases, years.
Post-coital discussion, a.k.a. “pillow talk”, up until this juncture for me then is mostly listening to my partner divulge whatever personal story they feel will help give me insight into who they are as a person. I’ll ask questions to elongate the story so I don’t have to share, and in the end, even though I said it jokingly on Twitter, I’ll see when we can do the “coital” part again.
Now I know that I am not the only one who has the antiquated dating system out of whack. I’ve gotten questions about a woman being injured by her partner and couldn’t figure out how to tell him…or the husband that no longer found passion after years of marriage.
According to the University of California, Santa Barbara,“In one study (of Friends with Benefits), almost all participants described “direct, open, honest communication” as ideal in an FWB relationship. Unfortunately, studies have shown that only 15% of FWB relationships actually include talking about the relationship, and 73% of partners say they never discussed any ground rules.”
Why do we find it so hard to exchange words with the people we are being intimate with, but we have no problem exchanging bodily fluids?
When did anal become 2nd base and emotion become home?