I Don’t Know You, But You Can Stick It Here

by Kristie LeVangie

My theme this week seems to be “communication.”  It keeps rearing its ugly head here and there.  And the more it pops up, the more I find myself thinking about it…particularly when it comes to relationships.

So as I ponder it, I ask myself…

Why are we no longer talking to the people we are fucking?

We are allowing full-on genital penetration, but not really getting to know one another, sharing our intimate needs or opening ourselves up to experience.

I’m pretty good about communicating my sexual needs to my partners.  I’m an assertive woman in the bedroom.  What I don’t say in words, I make clear in hand placement or a shift in position.

It’s the intimacy I suck at.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m far too quick to jump to bed with the men in my life.  With exception of a rare few, sex has always led into a relationship.  So I never really get to know the man behind the penis.

I also have emotional mechanisms in place to prevent too early an attachment now.  They have developed over heartbreaks, and now result in my offering VERY little information until they prove their intent is more long-term.  This can often take months, or in some cases, years.

Post-coital discussion, a.k.a. “pillow talk”, up until this juncture for me then is mostly listening to my partner divulge whatever personal story they feel will help give me insight into who they are as a person.  I’ll ask questions to elongate the story so I don’t have to share, and in the end, even though I said it jokingly on Twitter, I’ll see when we can do the “coital” part again.

Now I know that I am not the only one who has the antiquated dating system out of whack.   I’ve gotten questions about a woman being injured by her partner and couldn’t figure out how to tell him…or the husband that no longer found passion after years of marriage.

20120330_baseball_33According to the University of California, Santa Barbara,“In one study (of Friends with Benefits), almost all participants described “direct, open, honest communication” as ideal in an FWB relationship. Unfortunately, studies have shown that only 15% of FWB relationships actually include talking about the relationship, and 73% of partners say they never discussed any ground rules.”

Why do we find it so hard to exchange words with the people we are being intimate with, but we have no problem exchanging bodily fluids?

When did anal become 2nd base and emotion become home?




  1. Compelling topic . . . communication doesn’t come easy, for sure. I am squarely with you, K. The sex is the fun stuff to talk about. The vulnerability attached to emotions and opinions are more difficult. What are we scared of?

    For me, it’s uncertainty about the potential reaction. Unfortunately, it can drag out what’s gonna come to light someday, anyway!

    I always thought that a FWB situation can be easier to communicate within because the overall partnership isn’t really a subject. I’m not surprised that the study shows 15% of FWB arrangements talk about the relationship . . . that’s why they are FWB arrangements! I’d guess that they talk more freely about kinks or things to try than they would in a romantic relationship.

    On the other hand, I am surprised that only 27% say they discuss ground rules. I’m guessing that the other FWB situations just repeat the same aerobics from the first “one night stand?”

    Rules change and become scarier when the heart is involved. You don’t want to hurt or be hurt.

  2. In agreement and in a similar situation. Part of my issue (K knows I have many of them!) is that once someone has been (emotionally) close for a while, much of what I am thinking shouldn’t need to be stated aloud, that my partner “should know what I am thinking.” Do I think that I’m in a relationship with a mind reader? No. Do I think my outlook that my thoughts should be known is the most mentally sound? Of course not! But time and again, I find myself closing off by clamming up.

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