by Laura Wize
Dating in your twenties teaches you to adjust your expectations…or at least it did with my experience. It taught me all the things that I didn’t want to continue in my thirties. I also had really awesome, scandalous, dirty, hot sex.
It’s true, and I can’t deny it.
I described myself much like Julia Roberts described herself in Pretty Woman— “A bum magnet. If there was bum within a file mile radius, he was mine”.
Strangely enough, some of the best sex I ever had was with those bums.
My twenties are coming to a close, and I finally found a great guy, Scott, who is not a bum. We’re in love and planning our future together. So what is wrong with me having a great guy? Nothing is wrong; I just had the expectation that we would be having this life-altering sex.
Don’t misunderstand. We have good sex. I just want more.
If I plan on potentially marrying him, then it was on me to admit I needed more.
I got frustrated at the thought of even bringing up the topic.
I even began to wonder why is good sex attached to bad people. I always thought that when the stars magically aligned themselves, everything would be perfect.
Well, we had “the conversation,” and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. The conversation went something like this:
Me: I want to write about sex, but I feel like it will make you uncomfortable.
Scott: Why would it make me uncomfortable? You write about sex all the time.
Me: ‘Cause it’s about our sex life.
Scott: What you are you going to say?
Me: It will be about how to have a better sex life with your partner, and I’m my own test dummy. It’s not that it’s bad; it could just be better.
Scott: What will we do to make it better?
Me: Well I have some exercises in mind, books to read, and maybe go to an adult store.
The possibility of a trip to the Hustler store put him on the road to happiness, and I got his full consent as a test dummy. The thing you need to understand about Scott and I…we are total opposites.
I am upbeat, and he is a realist. My favorite movie is Moonstruck, and his is Last of the Mohicans.
I also think we have two different expectations of what should happen in the bedroom.
Our first small step towards understanding and big step towards multiple orgasms is Scott and Laura’s infinite playlist. We both love music, and I personally believe that what you listen to says everything about who you are and what you want. I think once we hear what the other person wants, it will make it easier to know what works for them. I asked him to come up with a playlist of five songs to describe what his ideal sexual experience is, and I would do the same.
Scott asked, “What if they are all raunchy songs?”
I just laughed and thought, “That will explain a lot.”
The playlist theory is to further explore each other’s unconscious needs. The things we want to describe but can’t because it is too hard.
Sexual expectations are similar to having an island mentality: you aren’t aware of what is happening in other places because, hell, you live in paradise.
I wanted to get a mutual understanding of our latitude and longitude as a couple.
- Kelly- Sex Me
- Teddy Pendergrass- Close the Door
- Johnny Gill – Love in an Elevator
- Eric Benet- Chocolate Legs
- Silk- Freak Me
- Maxwell- Sumthin Sumthin – Mello Smooth Mix
- Raheem Devaugn- Garden of Love
- Prince- Scandalous
- Nine Inch Nails- Closer
- Joe- Love Scene
After listening to Scott’s playlist, I came to the conclusion that he is eager to please his partner. He thinks of sex as a private intimate act that he wants to share with someone special.
Overall, the exercise was like reading the opposing team’s playbook– only in this case cheating is totally acceptable.
I think he liked it too.
And I think you have to be willing to make the sex in your relationship what you want.
As for Scott and I, only time can tell if our infinite playlist will get us from good to explosive. I feel like admitting we had a problem was the first step, and we’re better already.