Sex and Relationships

How I Pulled Off a Surprise Wedding

This Valentine’s Day I married my white knight. When we started posting on social media, our friends and distant family were shocked. You see…no one knew this was coming…especially THE GROOM!

This blog tells our story.

Wrecker and I have been together for almost five years now. Both of us came from some pretty shitty romantic circumstances and were ripe for emotional attachment. This was the first relationship I had that started with complete brutal honesty and a well-developed friendship. He knew early on marriage was in our future, and he has been asking me for the last 4 years to become his wife. I was a bit more skeptical about love, having been burnt so many times before, and I kept signing him to 2-year contracts with an option to walk away if we found it was no longer working for us. (See. Brutal honesty.)

But around October of last year, I came around. I realized that our partnership was for keeps. He makes me a better person and complements me in so many ways that I would be dumb not to grab on to him and hold on tight. It came to me in an epiphany that I had THE perfect opportunity to pull off the most rarest of occasions: a SURPRISE wedding. I mean how many people have the opportunity to do that???

…And he would never suspect it happening on Valentine’s Day given my tenuous relationship with all things love.

To set up the scenario, I had asked him in early January to take Valentine’s Day off of work because I had big date night V-day plans, and he would get info on a need-to-know basis. (I have pulled off many a surprise in the past, so this was not out of the ordinary as far as he was concerned.)

The first and most important thing I needed to address was the license, so in early January I started suggesting a late February elopement. (You see this is marriage #3 for both of us, so formality was already out the window.)  And as he struggled with the idea of leaving our parents and children out, I already knew the plan was to include them all.

Throughout January, I was compiling all the things that make a wedding a wedding. I found the dress, made the bouquet, located the perfect decorations, bought baking supplies, and planned out the timeline to each detail. I created a Private Facebook event where I was feeding information to our clan.

I was also strategically feigning concern over the details of our supposed Feb. 25th elopement, but asked him if we could put off thinking about it until after his Feb. 14th date night surprise. Make no mistake here, I deserve this year’s Oscar.

Before I knew it, Valentine’s Day had arrived, and here is how it all unfolded.

Early on Valentine’s Day, we headed out to get our marriage license. We were the second couple that day. Yay, love.

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16728995_1371349416258702_168580446772077979_n.jpgSo by 10 A.M., legal paperwork in hand, I wanted to avert any suspicion of evening plans, and we grabbed a romantic breakfast at our favorite chain, First Watch. After breakfast, we stopped to get him a fresh haircut and to exchange our outdated Time Warner modem for something more this century. (As he sat giddily telling the hairdresser about the mystery evening, I bore my eyes intently into my phone and tried to keep from smiling and blowing the entire plan. If only she had known…)

In fact, the entire morning I had to keep reminding myself to breathe. You may not be able to tell from this pic, but my insides were quaking, and I feared any slight slip-up that would ruin the surprise.

After our errands, we returned home where my parents were supposed to call with a distraction (i.e., a favor) in the late afternoon.

Around 2 P.M., my mom asks me to call her via text. (Remember, she is supposed to call us.) She wants to know if they are supposed to call at 3 or if they are supposed to keep him distracted until 3. (Oh, moms…lol)

The plan she says is to say that dad “may” need help cutting a limb down out of the tree, and that they would call him to come help. Minutes go by. More minutes go by, and no call back to his phone. I’m getting antsy.

“Maybe you should call Mom and see if Dad needs help,” I suggest. “I’m a little worried he may hurt himself. Mom didn’t sound too good.”

He calls, and Mom confirms they need him. “We’ll be right there,” he says before hanging up.

I lower my eyes. “Well actually…I forgot something for our date tonight and need to make a run to the store before I start getting ready. You got this?” I look up as straight-faced as I can muster.

“Sure. Trying to get rid of me,” he says as he leaves. Am I busted??? I panic, but realize I have no time. I have a wedding to throw.

I wake the youngest (my cohort in this shenanigan) as she worked the night shift. “IT’S GO TIME!!!” I shout. “WE HAVE A WEDDING TO THROW!”

As she gets ready, I run to the basement refrigerator where the cake and cupcakes I baked just days before were ready for transport.

I run to the second floor for the helium tank and our clothing for the ceremony and Day After.

The rest is in the car and has been all day. He had no clue as we drove to get the license and ran about our errands.

After the car is packed, I return to the Master bedroom where I lay out his attire for the evening along with a few clue cards I had prepped the day before.

I slip Clue #2 into his pant’s pocket.

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It reads:

By the way, I love you for who you are and who you will become.

Today is a trail of clues. Feel free to take pictures along the way and share them with our friends. The end of the trail is where it all begins.

K–

I place his pants inside his jacket, arrange the rest of his attire and place Clue #1 on top.

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It read:

You know how I love a good surprise. Now take your time, get ready to shine, and meet me at Hueston Woods Lodge at 6:30 P.M. sharp.

NO SOONER, NO LATER.

Check in at the front desk.

K–

Here’s a photo from his perspective:

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Meanwhile…out at Hueston Woods Lodge…

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Two girls were having a quick celebratory drink,

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Or two…

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at an impromptu Bachelorette party.

Then, while she practiced the song I asked her to play for our ceremony, I was decorating the Honeymoon Suite for the anticipated “consummation.” (wink wink)

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The giant card I got at Walmart, the pillow at Charming Charlie’s and the rose petals from Amazon.

 

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I made the cake beforehand and added the edible red rose accents I got at Michaels once it was set up. The champagne flutes also came from Michaels, the champagne to fill them from Kroger, and the cake topper was personalized from a merchant on eBay. The adornments under the cake stand are ones I brought from home and came from his Valentine’s Day present from last year.

Soon after the room was set up, I began to dress while the photographer friend of the family we know, Thomissia Robinson, snapped some of these great setting-inspired shots.

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As the sun set on the evening,

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My crew of accomplices (a.k.a., our families) began to arrive.

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The Fireside Room needed very little decoration with the wide open view of lake and the large fireplace that was already lit and setting the evening’s mood.

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We just added a little fireside decoration,

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some last minute touches,

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And the scene was set.

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To a table on the side of the room, we welcomed guests and displayed the cupcakes and champagne for post-ceremony celebration.

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On two of the chairs, we framed pictures of those not able to be with us. My biological father is on the left, and his father is on the right.

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As the rest of the families arrived, there was nothing to do but wait…

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and wait…

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And wait…

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And, hey– you guessed it…

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You see we were waiting for him to arrive, check in at that front desk and receive this last clue, which read:

So they welcomed you in, but you now must descend down the spiral staircase behind you.

Come meet me at FOREVER.

K–

Every movement at the top of stairs caused my heart to leap.

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And then finally…

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What’s that in his hand you ask? My Valentine’s Day card he was going to give me over dinner.

“No, you didn’t.” was all he kept repeating.

(The card was beautiful by the way.)

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After some boutonnièrage

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(As a side note: I must confess that I had to call in for backup on this one. I was shaking from nervous energy and my fingers won’t do what I wanted them to. Thanks to my bro for coming in for the save.)

and a quick kiss,

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I walked him around to where our families were ready to greet him. This even included a surprise for us both as his oldest daughter had flown his son in, who resides in Florida, for the ceremony.

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My youngest daughter opened it with an acoustic version of Meghan Trainor’s “Like I’m Going to Lose You,” and we were wed by our officiant, B.J. Stahl. For those of you lucky enough to know her…well, how lucky are we??? Ironically, she is also my ex mother-in-law and remains still one of my closest friends.

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She greeted us all with a beautiful and meaningful opening statement. We exchanged our vows (which involved cardboard boxes and a zombie apocalypse), placed rings upon one another’s hands,

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his youngest daughter read the poem, “Love” by Roy Croft, where I clearly lost it,

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and oh yeah, you remember that 2-year contract that kept being renewed??

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We tore that sucker up!

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A first kiss as husband and wife,

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and we were wed. The thing was done.

After the ceremony, we took pictures with our parents (his by my side and mine by his),

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our seven children and six grandchildren (one was still in Florida…boo!),

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and our officiant.

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With the short ceremony over, we moved over to celebrate with champagne/”kid wine” toasts and cupcakes.

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My Dad surprised us with a touching speech about how he loved seeing me happier than I had ever been, and he welcomed his new son “officially”– although those two have one of the strongest bro-mances I have ever personally witnessed, and I think this welcoming occurred at the first time they met, or at least when Dad lended him his first tool.

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Wrecker’s Mom followed suit welcoming me into their family officially,

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and then my brother,

and then his youngest daughter.

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She talked about how when her mom died all that everyone wanted was for her Dad to find happiness again. It wasn’t until I came along that they saw him smile. Of course, I  became the tear-filled bride at such a touching moment.

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It was a day of extreme highs filled with honest emotion, and the occasion was true perfection. We were so happy to be surrounded by the love and support of our family and touched that everyone could be there to share it with us.

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There was one last step however before we were truly “official,” so we sat down to finish the formalities.

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Then some more serious photos,

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and some not-so-serious ones…

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After the ceremony, I had made reservations for the special Valentine’s menu at the Lodge’s restaurant and reserved a King Suite for the night for our honeymoon.

Over dinner, we had several couples come up to congratulate us. They had been watching the ceremony from the balcony apparently, and many were there on their own anniversaries celebrating their own Valentine’s Day marriages so many years ago. One couple even bought us some chocolate-covered strawberries. (If you are reading this, we truly appreciated your gesture of generosity.)

For us, this love story has only just begun. We can only hope it will be as full of surprises as its beginning, and we hope that all of you find happiness like we’ve found.

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See Jane Trust. Trust No Dick.

See Jane.

See Jane trust.

See Dick accuse Jane of cheating.

Trust no Dick.

The true character of a man is tested when his mind starts to construct fantasies about his reality.

Harry once told Sally that men could never be friends with women.

It’s a sad world when a girl can’t just talk to a boy. I was recently united with a guy a went to school with. We were friends throughout Junior High and High School and dated one another for a brief stint my Junior year. I wouldn’t call it anything serious. We both went on to have families and careers and earn our hardship badges.

We reconnected a few months ago via facebook and emailed back and forth sporadically, but last week he sent me his number since Facebook Messenger isn’t the easiest thing to use. We started texting, reminiscing and just being goofy. I was enjoying getting to know him all over again and hearing about his adventures since our departure.

But just like Harry said, that was when it all started to go downhill.

The guy I’m seeing (actually LIVING with) jumped off the emotional cliff.

  1. A text message conveying my friend’s frustration with single life turned into an elicit relationship.
  2. A series of sporadic phone calls was deceitful to him and progressed too quickly to be “innocent”.
  3. And even though I cleared it with him before saying ‘yes’, when I offered to help my friend by giving him a ride, my friend was automatically assumed a stalker that would rape me the first chance he got.
  4. A mystery truck was parked outside our house yesterday, so logically, he called the company to scope out the employees and see if he could match it up to my facebook friend’s list.
  5. These are only the actions that I know about.

I get that a certain amount of jealousy is normal, but one has to ask one’s self, “At what point does “normal” end and “crazy” begin?”.

From my perspective, it all boils down to trust. He’ll argue that he trusts me but not my friend. I’ll argue that he doesn’t trust ME.

If we play a bit of devil’s advocate here, even if my friend has ill intentions, it’s obvious the boyfriend doesn’t trust my ability to either fend off my friend’s advances or to be able to identify the malicious intent.

Today I’m plagued with the question regarding the line between “normal” and “crazy,” so I went out in search of answers.

According to Gurl.com, there are 10 signs that tell you if your boyfriend is too possessive, and we seem to have at least 6 going on here.

  1. He doesn’t like you talking to any other guys AT ALL.
  2. He always accuses you of flirting with other people.
  3. He gets mad when you don’t text back fast enough.
  4. He monitors what you do on social media.
  5. He grills you about everything you do.
  6. He gets irate if you can’t find you right away.
  7. He’s really suspicious of your friends.
  8. He gets mad at you about things you wear.
  9. He never believe you even though you’ve never given him a reason not to.
  10. You catch him going through your phone.

My friend suggested, as I relayed the reason I could no longer be his friend, that perhaps the jealousy was stemming from the boyfriend’s own infidelity and thus projecting onto me. While I adamantly denied that he would do that, his escapades last night have me experiencing Pyrate flashbacks.

For those of you who don’t follow my blogs, Pyrate was someone I dated a few years ago who I discovered was hacking into my phone after I fell asleep at night and modifying emails to make it appear as if I was cheating so he could try to control my behavior and drive me mad by paranoia. All his effort only resulted in a messy break-up and an apparent PTSD dating aftertaste.

So here I am. Not sure what to do. I’ve lost a friend to keep the insanity in check, but do I now live a life where I can’t make new friends, text message people, or have conversations with strangers? Is he always going to be questioning my every move and second guessing everyone’s intentions? Is this more a reflection of his lack of self-confidence?

Have you ever dealt with a jealous boyfriend or girlfriend? How did you work it out?

Is Keeping Your Cookie in the Jar Unrealistic?

Laura Wize Cookie

I am on strike and it’s nothing new. When I am single I usually do not partake in casual sex. Honestly it’s a bunch of effort creating a false sense of intimacy with a guy, so we can have real sex.  Creating false trust with a man is like watching sand fall through an hourglass, it’s just a matter of time before something shady goes down.

I read Glamazon Tyomi’s article on ebony.com Sex Before Commitmet or Nah? She took a poll to determine if abstinence is the path to marriage or if we are fooling ourselves. The vast majority 62.5% felt it didn’t effect their chances of a long term relationship.

I know couples who had sex within the first few dates who eventually got married. That being said I don’t have a great deal of married friends. I think the way society is set up it doesn’t matter if you wait or sleep with someone new every night you can end up being the same amount of single.

There is no magical set of actions that will make you un-single, but what if abstinence became a filter? A way to weed out the worthy and the unworthy and the process of locating the worthy became more diligent. This concept would only be valid to ladies who desire commitment. (because I am not anti-sex in any way)

What if, the thing that is really keeping you from being in a committed relationship is you are trying to make relationships out of great sex? People can say what they want but for women sex can often create emotional attachments. You can say with your mouth that this isn’t serious but after you’ve been intimate with someone the lines get blurred. In all honesty the only time sex is truly crystal clear is when it’s bad.

These are my four reasons to “Keep Your Cookie in the Jar”

Hi, have we dated?

Dating is an endangered species. I know at least three couples in real life who never went on a date until they officially became boyfriend and girlfriend. Stop falling for the “Netflix and chill” it gives the man too much opportunity to get you comfortable.

Make him date you by making a suggestion for an short activity in public. You can take a walk, get an ice cream, or grab a coffee. If he isn’t down for any of your suggestions you can forget to text him back. You have your own Netflix subscription and you can chill alone. Your cookie shouldn’t even leave it’s air tight container if you have no level of friendship and a man who won’t date you is a stranger.

5 Dates Ain’t Enough

If you are lucky enough to meet someone who will date you and take you on more than one date, rejoice. After you have done your private happy dance don’t ease up just yet. The choice not to have sex is not malicious you just really want to make sure that the presenter and the man are one.

Most men know the deal and know just how long they need to be on their best behavior. Don’t be a shrinking violet. Men are not afraid to let women down when it comes to their expectations. I am not suggesting that Mr. Wonderful isn’t all that he says he is but wouldn’t it be nice to be sure.

Stop Getting into Sexuationships

If you are over the age of 25 you are too old to be friends with benefits. If you think having sex with someone and quietly keeping your feelings to yourself is healthy, grow up. Why are you giving a Section 8 Voucher to your Park Avenue pent house.

If it’s sex then let it be sex but don’t be friends. I understand women have needs but potential friends with benefits just take up space. FWB is a form of settling and you settle with bill collectors not in relationships. Why waste time when you can keep the cookie in the jar.

Maybe I belong in the natural history museum for even suggesting to millennial woman not to have sex. I just feel if you’ve had it before what’s the rush? Especially if you desire to find someone who will last beyond a moment. Sex can cloud compatibility and a torrid affair is passionate but it only lasts for so long. Once again I am not anti sex keep the lines of communication open. I’m just suggesting knowing a person a little better before getting kinky.

Don’t get sad, get free!!

I read a woman’s Facebook status where she stated she wished she could un-have sex with someone. My immediate first thought was stop having sex with people. That thought wasn’t judgemental it was real. If you’re not having sex you don’t have these awkward moments with men after they reveal their true selves.

You can’t control when you will meet Mr. Right. You can control what you do and do not give Mr. Wrong. Nothing feels better than that sigh of relief “Thank God, I didn’t sleep with that jerk!”

Once again, I could be the cave woman preaching to the millennial. At some point you have to ask yourself is the road to commitment one of choice or chance? Should you leave no stone left unturned? In my case I plan on letting the rolling stones pass me by. Some heartbreak is inevitable and some is excessive.

The beautiful sex organ is between your ears and not your legs-She’s Gotta Have It

For more Oh Wize One be sure to  follow her on Facebook at OhWize One, Instagram@ohwizeone, twitter @ohwize1. Remember to share the wisdom with friends!!

 

Source: Is Keeping Your Cookie in the Jar Unrealistic?

Dirty, Sexy, Monogamy: Scott and Laura’s Infinite Playlist

 by Laura Wize

Dating in your twenties teaches you to adjust your expectations…or at least it did with my experience. It taught me all the things that I didn’t want to continue in my thirties. I also had really awesome, scandalous, dirty, hot sex.

It’s true, and I can’t deny it.

I described myself much like Julia Roberts described herself in Pretty Woman— “A bum magnet. If there was bum within a file mile radius, he was mine”.

Strangely enough, some of the best sex I ever had was with those bums.

My twenties are coming to a close, and I finally found a great guy, Scott, who is not a bum. We’re in love and planning our future together. So what is wrong with me having a great guy? Nothing is wrong; I just had the expectation that we would be having this life-altering sex.

Don’t misunderstand.  We have good sex. I just want more.

If I plan on potentially marrying him, then it was on me to admit I needed more.

I got frustrated at the thought of even bringing up the topic.

I even began to wonder why is good sex attached to bad people. I always thought that when the stars magically aligned themselves, everything would be perfect.

Well, we had “the conversation,” and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. The conversation went something like this:

Me: I want to write about sex, but I feel like it will make you uncomfortable.

Scott: Why would it make me uncomfortable? You write about sex all the time.

Me: ‘Cause it’s about our sex life.

Scott: What you are you going to say?

Me: It will be about how to have a better sex life with your partner, and I’m my own test dummy. It’s not that it’s bad; it could just be better.

Scott: What will we do to make it better?

Me: Well I have some exercises in mind, books to read, and maybe go to an adult store.

The possibility of a trip to the Hustler store put him on the road to happiness, and I got his full consent as a test dummy. The thing you need to understand about Scott and I…we are total opposites.

I am upbeat, and he is a realist. My favorite movie is Moonstruck, and his is Last of the Mohicans.

I also think we have two different expectations of what should happen in the bedroom.

music_is_my_boyfriend_by_klamczuchaOur first small step towards understanding and big step towards multiple orgasms is Scott and Laura’s infinite playlist. We both love music, and I personally believe that what you listen to says everything about who you are and what you want. I think once we hear what the other person wants, it will make it easier to know what works for them. I asked him to come up with a playlist of five songs to describe what his ideal sexual experience is, and I would do the same.

Scott asked, “What if they are all raunchy songs?”

I just laughed and thought, “That will explain a lot.”

The playlist theory is to further explore each other’s unconscious needs. The things we want to describe but can’t because it is too hard.

Sexual expectations are similar to having an island mentality: you aren’t aware of what is happening in other places because, hell, you live in paradise.

I wanted to get a mutual understanding of our latitude and longitude as a couple.

Scott’s List:

  • Kelly- Sex Me
  • Teddy Pendergrass- Close the Door
  • Johnny Gill – Love in an Elevator
  • Eric Benet- Chocolate Legs
  • Silk- Freak Me

Laura’s List:

  • Maxwell- Sumthin Sumthin – Mello Smooth Mix
  • Raheem Devaugn- Garden of Love
  • Prince- Scandalous
  • Nine Inch Nails- Closer
  • Joe- Love Scene

After listening to Scott’s playlist, I came to the conclusion that he is eager to please his partner. He thinks of sex as a private intimate act that he wants to share with someone special.

Overall, the exercise was like reading the opposing team’s playbook– only in this case cheating is totally acceptable.

I think he liked it too.

And I think you have to be willing to make the sex in your relationship what you want.

As for Scott and I, only time can tell if our infinite playlist will get us from good to explosive. I feel like admitting we had a problem was the first step, and we’re better already.

More Than Sensual Massage

Johnny Jackhammer

 

 

by Johnny Jackhammer

 

Massage creates connection.

I don’t see massage as therapeutic and non-sexual, but I haven’t chosen to get a massage from a licensed therapist. I prefer to sooth my sore muscles with a hot whirlpool over a deep tissue grind.

I do, however, see massage as a sensual connection between people; an exchange of warmth and electricity through the touch of skin and firm caressing. And the best massage is focused on the experience and not any notion of a “happy ending” (more on that later.).

This leads me to sensation play, which is a fun twist to add to massage. My GoodWitchNorth and I have brought more variety to our practice over time, using different materials and tools to create unique sensations. I find things in surprising places – craft fairs, carnivals, sex shops, etsy . . . and “Google is your friend.”

Common Sense Moment

I recommend you try all of these on your own skin before you ever put any of them to the body of another person (your thigh can be a great playspace). You need to know how much pressure creates fun sensations and how much takes you too far.

Also, these items are not intended for blood play, but there is a danger of piercing thin skin. Be prepared for accidental blood. With the right touch, you won’t break skin but can give the sensation of being ripped. With the wrong touch, or if you inadvertently curl your hand, you might be able to draw blood in a thin scratch. Safety is paramount, so be sure to have aftercare items on hand like paper towels, cleansing wipes like you’ll find in a first aid kit, and antibiotic cream such as NeoSporin.

Vampire Gloves

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Slip these on and your partner will coo with a mix of caution and eagerness.

This is a leather glove that has thin needlepoints imbedded in the palms. With the right light touch, it creates a scratch sensation that tickles the nerves. Be sure to adjust the pressure of your touch to alternate between a teasing tickle and a good, hard scratch.

Start slow with a light touch, methodically getting firmer to match the reaction of your partner. Follow his or her feedback as you massage and apply.

They are designed for sensation, not blood. They are tough to clean, so if you plan to use them on multiple partners, please get multiple gloves.

Fingertip extensions

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I have seen several types of nail extenders, but I like this simple metal model. It isn’t particularly Goth, and it is clear that you intend to build a scratch.

With the right touch, these won’t pierce the skin as easily as the gloves. But a strong hand certainly can. One cool effect is the long red welts that you can bring up with a steady pull. Hot, sexy, and gives the right stimulus.

This is good once your massage partner is nicely warmed up and you need to give the sensations an extra kick. Drag your hand down their body in a steady pull, and you’ll scratch a nice sting wherever you go.

Use with caution, though. If you go too light, you’ll stimulate the nerves so much that any touch will result in a ticklish recoil. If that’s what you’re going for, you’ll have fun. If it’s not, then you’ll want to return to some firm hand massage to bring their sensation level back down again. You can have some fun with this ebb and flow.

The Talon

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I came across a talon hand brace while cruising the leathergoods at a Renaissance Faire. It caught my eye instantly and went on my hand for the rest of the day. I dreamed of ways I would rub down my lady, adding the scratch of the hard plastic nails at intervals and key moments.

When it came to massaging her, however, the talons were difficult and ineffective. It was close to a failure. Because they were connected to my hand but not my fingers, they couldn’t be easily controlled or directed. And because my fingers were curled underneath them, it was difficult to find the right pressure for a long, even scratch pattern. I thought I could learn to master it, but I wasn’t sure that the end result would be close to what I imagined.

Then I realized, while toying around on my lady’s back, what real life talons are used for. Their primary purpose is not for scratching. Their primary purpose is for holding something (or someone) in place. Oh, baby, now I was onto something!

Pressing my folded hand down, she could feel the tips of the talons pin her down. Any attempt to rise would result in a sharper piercing.   And putting myself at just the right angle gave me a delicious combination of control and opportunity.

Use the talon on your lover. Pin them down, whisper in their ear about how you are going to take them, and then take them. Then, use your cock (or strap-on), free hand, mouth, etc. to carry out your whispered promise.

Yeah, the talon is a fast favorite.

Happy Endings

My focus is on sexual expression, not massage therapy. In my viewpoint, you are doing it right if you and your partner become aroused. What to do with this is up to you, but the session is always better if orgasm is not the goal.

If cumming becomes desired, however, try to match the activity with the play that led up to it. If you back off of sensation play into traditional sensual massage, then honor that energy with a nice finger or hand job.

Maintain the mood.  Keep the pace. If you are massaging slowly, then work your hands on their sweet spot even slower. Let them build to a peak so softly that they cum in intense waves. If you are wrapped in intense rapture, say by pinning him or her down with your talon hands, then drive into them like there’s no escape. No matter what, match the mood and have a blast.

Pun intended.

Liv’n The Single Life: Five Reasons I Hate Relationships

Liv 'n The Single Life

 

I go back and forth on relationships.  There are times when I’m not in one– which has been the majority of my life– that I long for someone to talk to, someone to cuddle with, and a consistent sex partner.

But when I’m in one…there are days I can’t stand one more minute of incessant questioning, obligatory pet names, and routine hand holding.

Relationships kill passion, or at least that’s been my experience.  I think those stories of long-lasting lovers are urban myths more than anyone’s reality.

In my relationships, the man always ultimately loses himself.  I end up making all the decisions, and I lose what spontaneity I need to feel challenged and surprised.  I grow bored. He feels lost, and it ultimately leads to failure.

The top 5 reasons I hate relationships:

1.) ‘I love you’s become routine rather than any expression of feeling.  They’re mere greetings of comings and goings.

2.) Both of you stop caring about your appearances.  You become a rain forest of leg hair, and he goes days without bathing.

3.) Anything becomes a reason NOT to have sex.  “It’s late.” “I’m too full.” “I’m just too tired.”

4.) You tell each other everything, and you start to tune one another out in your boredom of it all.

5.) Time alone is a rare and delightful gift.  When you are always together, you become smothered.

I only have to look at this list to remind myself why I would rather microwave dinners than share my bed with his toenail clippings.

Joy of Nude Beaches

by Johnny Jackhammer

I want to be naked.

I’ll bet you do, too. Even if you don’t know it yet.

Last weekend, we jumped at the chance to meet some friends at a nude beach relatively close by.

Would I be self-conscious? Would I feel relaxed? Would it be crowded? And a larger concern clouded my mind since one of my strong kinks is exhibitionism.   I wanted it to be an enriching, but not arousing, experience.

Before we arrived, my lady advised me to be careful not to “suck in” my gut. I was sure I’d be relaxed, but appreciated the reminder. She makes a good point: everybody can tell when you are doing that.

I quickly found a key difference from the “regular beach:” being nude gives you a remarkable freedom from self-consciousness. Everyone puts it all out there, which makes it very easy to be comfortable in your own skin. People aren’t trying to pose or primp in hopes of looking better, unlike at the swimsuit beaches. They know they are perfectly beautiful. Nudity both requires and generates confidence.

Sandy Nude Beach

Cool sand, warm water, beautiful bluffs.  (photo by Spankybare)

 

The setting itself was gorgeous. Bluffs overlooked the flowing river, sunshine reflecting in the water. Thanks to my friend, Spankybare, his early morning photo gives you a sense of the beauty and tranquility of the beach. (Truth be told, it was a public invitation by him that got us out there in the first place!)

There were about 75 people at the beach when we arrived in the late morning.  All gloriously stripped and soaking in the surrounding nature.

My next revelation: everybody looked terrific! And I mean everybody. While clothed in public, it’s easy to critique people based on their looks. With a fully nude public, however, you can sense the true beauty people have within. Perhaps it is because they are so comfortable and open. Everyone looked amazing, and all body styles are represented. It is really easy to fit in when everybody is naked.

Do you find yourself looking at other people’s naked bodies? Of course! But you see people as part of your experience, just as with the sand, water, and birds above. There isn’t anything lusty or lecherous about it. But it is a continually attractive environment.

Nude Beach

My muse, enhancing the scenery

I was also surprised by how easily we connected with other beachgoers. Conversations start quickly on the nude beach, and you already feel like you belong. Ironically, nude sunbathers come across as more friendly and welcoming than clothed beachgoers. I can’t strike up a conversation with a stranger in a bikini as easily as I can with somebody fully nude. Perhaps it’s the confidence. Perhaps it’s the vulnerability. Or maybe people are more authentic when stripped down bare.

Visiting a public nude beach is a “vanilla” experience, and folks are careful to avoid sex and drug activity. Yet while there isn’t anything sexual about the experience, it can be highly sensual. It’s liberating to lay back in the hot sun and feel the warm breeze on your entire body. It felt good; I felt free; and I felt sexy in my own way.

The river itself was a sensation. Moving through the flowing water is unique when you’re naked in the daylight. As I swam along one shallow area, I could feel the pumice of the sand rub along my body.   Alone in the water, shoulders heated in the sun, I allowed the current to push my body backwards along the sand. Sensuality came through the scratch of the coarse sand along my body from my chest to my toes. It aroused my senses and my spirit.   I wished I could swim this way every day.

In the end, our only regret is that it took so long to try the experience! Sure, my shoulders are sunburned. But I only remember the peace of the gorgeous surroundings, the beauty of the clouds, and the cheerfulness of the people as they enjoyed feeling one with nature.

Now who’s ready to go?

Flirting is Fun

by Johnny Jackhammer 

My wife is a champion flirter.

She has an effortless ability to energize a room and connect with anybody she wants. Just this week she admitted to me, “FLIRTING is my middle name!” She is eager and sharp and ready to beam her smile at everyone.   It’s all about a playful attitude.

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Proof!  My lady texting me a photo while she was furniture shopping.

Why Flirt?

A flirtatious attitude can boost your confidence, bring more fun into your day, and help you feel more energetic. There is something about the naughty exchange that quickens the pulse and sharpens the senses.

Flirting can also expand your world, making it easier to meet new people and strengthen existing relationships.

In her book Total Flirt, Violet Blue shares several reasons to flirt, whether it’s to find friendships, flings, or something more. She sums it up well when she says, “For everyone, it’s just good, clean fun.”

That’s how I see it too: good, clean fun with a twist of naughtiness. True sexual intellectuals are inspired by these salacious exchanges with playful people!

Ways to Flirt

This is where I seek your advice, as I hope to learn from others.

I like the fun of the eye contact spark, and I certainly am not looking for hookups as a result. I believe that flirting begins and ends with meaningful eye contact. Watching my lady has clarified the most important principles of flirting: eye contact and a smile.

I find that people are quick to return a smile when you smile at them. If you let the eye contact linger, you can turn a polite greeting into a flirtatious connection.

The art of the experienced flirt revolves around being playful without being misinterpreted. You might just be having a laugh without necessarily looking to bed somebody. The skill is found when you can raise the heat without stepping past anybody’s boundaries. That might be easier for a woman than it is for a man, since many men are eager to go as far as the woman will allow.

And the success of the flirt is in sharing the spark of attraction with them without pushing the need to act upon it.

And I would avoid any cliché that resembles a pick-up line. They may have a beautiful body, but you’ll only get an eye roll if you ask them to hold it against you. Be clever. Be safe. Be fun. But have a spark of naughtiness in you.

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A drink might help, but be careful not to cross into the “creep” zone.

Flirting is best done in public.

My challenge to you is to bring more spark to your day. Why not feel the magnetic energy and share it with others to brighten their day?   I challenge you to bring the sunshine to the general public. Let’s see if we can’t create a kinder, happier community.

So make some eye contact in the following daily situations:

  1. Sitting at the stoplight
  2. Walking through the grocery store
  3. Strolling on your lunch hour
  4. And, for experienced flirts, while on public transportation

And, one very important thing to keep in mind: make your lovers or partners your first and most frequent target. If the goal of the flirt is to energize your life, you’ll achieve so much more by building the fire that is already between you!

Plus, if you both get really good at it, you can expand into “threesome” flirting! Talk about some crazy and dangerous energy! And all in good, clean fun!

To be continued . . . 

Mistress Elle: How to Be a Heartbreaker

That’s right.  It’s time for your session with Mistress Elle.Elle

Mistresses operate best giving instructions.  😉

It’s easy.

1.  You submit your questions to mistress_elle@libidacoria.com.

2.  I share my googled research, sage advice, years of experience, and deliver it to you in one sarcastically biting blog.

Now…I’m going to let this song start to explain today’s question from Newfound Freedom in Seattle.

Dear Mistress,

I’ve recently gone through a divorce and find myself single after a 17-year marriage.  I’ve spent years wondering what it would be like to play the field, but only now am I truly able to attempt it.  I fantasize about being the Heartbreaker I was never able to become.  Trouble is…I have no idea where to begin.  I got married right out of high school and have only ever been with my ex-husband.  Help a girl out.  Where do I start?

Yours truly,

Newfound Freedom

Seattle, WA

Newfound Freedom,

The first thing a girl needs to do is understand the rules; hence, my Marina and the Diamonds intro.

1.  Do You!

The first rule and underlying philosophy of being a Heartbreaker is: It’s all about you.  You need to turn off your need to please.  Turn off your sympathy.  Turn off your empathy.  Turn off your desire to please….except when it comes to yourself.  “Doing you” is about satisfying your urges, your needs, your desires and your amusement.  It’s harder than it might seem.  I think we all have a natural inclination to feel for someone, even those we just meet.  So this step and mentality may take some practice.  Focus on the fun.  When the fun begins to wane or if you suspect the other person is beginning to develop feelings for you, you have to walk away.  Detach and flee quickly and without warning.

Not doing so will result in unnecessary drama and emotional conflict.  Both of these are the very antithesis of “fun.”

2.  Appearance

Doing You also comes with a sub-requirement that merits it’s own entry: Appearance.  It’s hard to be a Heartbreaker with unshaven legs, split ends, dry skin and half-painted nails.  Sexual attraction, especially surface sexual attraction, is motivated by visual appeal.  Make sure that no matter what, you clear your schedule for one day a week and do all the girly maintenance at once.  Not only will it increase your confidence, it will ensure that you shine and stand out from your competition.  Shiny things don’t only attract the eyes of women. 😉

3.  Be Bold.

You only get what you really want.  If you see a person you would like to get to know, you aren’t going to get to know them by sitting and playing on your phone.  You have to “grow a pair of tits”, as Lily Allen would say, and approach them.  For some, it takes slipping into a “character”, someone perhaps not timid like their usual self.  For others, it takes a drink or two…or music…or meditation…or “motivation” (for the actors out there).  Whatever it takes you to become assertive, do it!  I guarantee after a while that your personality will change and assertiveness will become part of your nature.  If you’re lucky, it will not only help your love life, but your career, your other passions and your meaningful relationships.

Boldness should permeate your wardrobe, your speech, your ability to make eye contact, your approach, your body language and your sense of adventure.

4.  Play the field.

Go big or go home.  You can’t be a Heartbreaker by focusing all your attention on one person.  By definition, a Heartbreaker plays the field.  Ideally, you should never date the same person more than once, but given reality, there will be those that you quite enjoy and want to take out for another test drive. You should always be on the lookout for new players to add to the fold. Keep an influx of new players and an outflux of retirees.  Never go out or meet more than twice or feelings will begin to form, even in “Friends with Benefits” situations.

5.  Keep him/her at bay and definitely make them work for it.

Being too available wreaks of desperation.  And while I’m not a big proponent of playing games, being a Heartbreaker is unfortunately one of the times when it’s a necessary evil.  Anything catchable is not worth having.  Remain elusive.  If he/she calls, give it a few days before calling back.  Make tentative plans and don’t follow through.  Don’t divulge the minutiae of your day, details about your personal life, your real social media information, information about your family or your past relationships.  Your goal is to remain a woman of mystery, to give the impression that you have a life outside of him/her and that you have better things to do than sit by the phone or computer waiting for correspondence.

Better yet, don’t fake it!  Get out there.  Be on the prowl.  Be experiencing new things, meeting new people, and living!

Put the onus on the other person to plan, organize and pay for the date.  They should be trying to impress you rather than the other way around.  Heartbreakers are in it merely for the fun, and all that planning and organizing takes too much energy.

we__re_not_the_perfect_two_by_asheemerson-d4s6h5p6.  Build them up.

It’s important to remain neutral in your emotional involvement, but the largest part of being a Heartbreaker is the actually breaking of the hearts.

While on dates, become “the ideal woman.”  You must be able to morph into the characteristics they find most attractive.  Learn as much as everything as you can because you never know when you might need it.  For instance, if he’s into Baseball, you should be able to site enough information to gain some credibility.  Learn some stats or player’s names.  Or if you are more of a football girl, that’s okay too.  It still shows an interest in sports without mimicking his interests exactly.  You want to create the illusion that every interest they have is validated, is special and is shared.  Great Heartbreakers scope this information out in the pre-date conversation.  Being prepared will make the date less awkward.

Your goal is to become the “perfect girl” in the few hours you will spend with them.  Like a salesperson, you have to have them believe you might just be “the one” so that when you walk away (no later than date #2), there is a real and stinging emotional let-down, a breaking of their heart.

7.  And finally, Grow a thick skin.

Being a Heartbreaker is not to be taken lightly.  It’s hard work.  It’s emotionally disastrous if you aren’t in the right head space.  And what may be fun at first, becomes empty quickly.  It’s not a cure for loneliness, nor will you always be proud of yourself.

But try to at least have some fun while it lasts.