That’s right. It’s time for your session with Mistress Elle.
Mistresses operate best giving instructions. 😉
1. You submit your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.
2. I share my googled research, sage advice, years of experience, and deliver it to you in one sarcastically biting blog.
Now…I’m going to let this song start to explain today’s question from Newfound Freedom in Seattle.
I’ve recently gone through a divorce and find myself single after a 17-year marriage. I’ve spent years wondering what it would be like to play the field, but only now am I truly able to attempt it. I fantasize about being the Heartbreaker I was never able to become. Trouble is…I have no idea where to begin. I got married right out of high school and have only ever been with my ex-husband. Help a girl out. Where do I start?
The first thing a girl needs to do is understand the rules; hence, my Marina and the Diamonds intro.
1. Do You!
The first rule and underlying philosophy of being a Heartbreaker is: It’s all about you. You need to turn off your need to please. Turn off your sympathy. Turn off your empathy. Turn off your desire to please….except when it comes to yourself. “Doing you” is about satisfying your urges, your needs, your desires and your amusement. It’s harder than it might seem. I think we all have a natural inclination to feel for someone, even those we just meet. So this step and mentality may take some practice. Focus on the fun. When the fun begins to wane or if you suspect the other person is beginning to develop feelings for you, you have to walk away. Detach and flee quickly and without warning.
Not doing so will result in unnecessary drama and emotional conflict. Both of these are the very antithesis of “fun.”
Doing You also comes with a sub-requirement that merits it’s own entry: Appearance. It’s hard to be a Heartbreaker with unshaven legs, split ends, dry skin and half-painted nails. Sexual attraction, especially surface sexual attraction, is motivated by visual appeal. Make sure that no matter what, you clear your schedule for one day a week and do all the girly maintenance at once. Not only will it increase your confidence, it will ensure that you shine and stand out from your competition. Shiny things don’t only attract the eyes of women. 😉
3. Be Bold.
You only get what you really want. If you see a person you would like to get to know, you aren’t going to get to know them by sitting and playing on your phone. You have to “grow a pair of tits”, as Lily Allen would say, and approach them. For some, it takes slipping into a “character”, someone perhaps not timid like their usual self. For others, it takes a drink or two…or music…or meditation…or “motivation” (for the actors out there). Whatever it takes you to become assertive, do it! I guarantee after a while that your personality will change and assertiveness will become part of your nature. If you’re lucky, it will not only help your love life, but your career, your other passions and your meaningful relationships.
Boldness should permeate your wardrobe, your speech, your ability to make eye contact, your approach, your body language and your sense of adventure.
4. Play the field.
Go big or go home. You can’t be a Heartbreaker by focusing all your attention on one person. By definition, a Heartbreaker plays the field. Ideally, you should never date the same person more than once, but given reality, there will be those that you quite enjoy and want to take out for another test drive. You should always be on the lookout for new players to add to the fold. Keep an influx of new players and an outflux of retirees. Never go out or meet more than twice or feelings will begin to form, even in “Friends with Benefits” situations.
5. Keep him/her at bay and definitely make them work for it.
Being too available wreaks of desperation. And while I’m not a big proponent of playing games, being a Heartbreaker is unfortunately one of the times when it’s a necessary evil. Anything catchable is not worth having. Remain elusive. If he/she calls, give it a few days before calling back. Make tentative plans and don’t follow through. Don’t divulge the minutiae of your day, details about your personal life, your real social media information, information about your family or your past relationships. Your goal is to remain a woman of mystery, to give the impression that you have a life outside of him/her and that you have better things to do than sit by the phone or computer waiting for correspondence.
Better yet, don’t fake it! Get out there. Be on the prowl. Be experiencing new things, meeting new people, and living!
Put the onus on the other person to plan, organize and pay for the date. They should be trying to impress you rather than the other way around. Heartbreakers are in it merely for the fun, and all that planning and organizing takes too much energy.
6. Build them up.
It’s important to remain neutral in your emotional involvement, but the largest part of being a Heartbreaker is the actually breaking of the hearts.
While on dates, become “the ideal woman.” You must be able to morph into the characteristics they find most attractive. Learn as much as everything as you can because you never know when you might need it. For instance, if he’s into Baseball, you should be able to site enough information to gain some credibility. Learn some stats or player’s names. Or if you are more of a football girl, that’s okay too. It still shows an interest in sports without mimicking his interests exactly. You want to create the illusion that every interest they have is validated, is special and is shared. Great Heartbreakers scope this information out in the pre-date conversation. Being prepared will make the date less awkward.
Your goal is to become the “perfect girl” in the few hours you will spend with them. Like a salesperson, you have to have them believe you might just be “the one” so that when you walk away (no later than date #2), there is a real and stinging emotional let-down, a breaking of their heart.
7. And finally, Grow a thick skin.
Being a Heartbreaker is not to be taken lightly. It’s hard work. It’s emotionally disastrous if you aren’t in the right head space. And what may be fun at first, becomes empty quickly. It’s not a cure for loneliness, nor will you always be proud of yourself.
But try to at least have some fun while it lasts.