Advice: Mistress Elle

Mistress Elle: How to Be a Heartbreaker

That’s right.  It’s time for your session with Mistress Elle.Elle

Mistresses operate best giving instructions.  😉

It’s easy.

1.  You submit your questions to

2.  I share my googled research, sage advice, years of experience, and deliver it to you in one sarcastically biting blog.

Now…I’m going to let this song start to explain today’s question from Newfound Freedom in Seattle.

Dear Mistress,

I’ve recently gone through a divorce and find myself single after a 17-year marriage.  I’ve spent years wondering what it would be like to play the field, but only now am I truly able to attempt it.  I fantasize about being the Heartbreaker I was never able to become.  Trouble is…I have no idea where to begin.  I got married right out of high school and have only ever been with my ex-husband.  Help a girl out.  Where do I start?

Yours truly,

Newfound Freedom

Seattle, WA

Newfound Freedom,

The first thing a girl needs to do is understand the rules; hence, my Marina and the Diamonds intro.

1.  Do You!

The first rule and underlying philosophy of being a Heartbreaker is: It’s all about you.  You need to turn off your need to please.  Turn off your sympathy.  Turn off your empathy.  Turn off your desire to please….except when it comes to yourself.  “Doing you” is about satisfying your urges, your needs, your desires and your amusement.  It’s harder than it might seem.  I think we all have a natural inclination to feel for someone, even those we just meet.  So this step and mentality may take some practice.  Focus on the fun.  When the fun begins to wane or if you suspect the other person is beginning to develop feelings for you, you have to walk away.  Detach and flee quickly and without warning.

Not doing so will result in unnecessary drama and emotional conflict.  Both of these are the very antithesis of “fun.”

2.  Appearance

Doing You also comes with a sub-requirement that merits it’s own entry: Appearance.  It’s hard to be a Heartbreaker with unshaven legs, split ends, dry skin and half-painted nails.  Sexual attraction, especially surface sexual attraction, is motivated by visual appeal.  Make sure that no matter what, you clear your schedule for one day a week and do all the girly maintenance at once.  Not only will it increase your confidence, it will ensure that you shine and stand out from your competition.  Shiny things don’t only attract the eyes of women. 😉

3.  Be Bold.

You only get what you really want.  If you see a person you would like to get to know, you aren’t going to get to know them by sitting and playing on your phone.  You have to “grow a pair of tits”, as Lily Allen would say, and approach them.  For some, it takes slipping into a “character”, someone perhaps not timid like their usual self.  For others, it takes a drink or two…or music…or meditation…or “motivation” (for the actors out there).  Whatever it takes you to become assertive, do it!  I guarantee after a while that your personality will change and assertiveness will become part of your nature.  If you’re lucky, it will not only help your love life, but your career, your other passions and your meaningful relationships.

Boldness should permeate your wardrobe, your speech, your ability to make eye contact, your approach, your body language and your sense of adventure.

4.  Play the field.

Go big or go home.  You can’t be a Heartbreaker by focusing all your attention on one person.  By definition, a Heartbreaker plays the field.  Ideally, you should never date the same person more than once, but given reality, there will be those that you quite enjoy and want to take out for another test drive. You should always be on the lookout for new players to add to the fold. Keep an influx of new players and an outflux of retirees.  Never go out or meet more than twice or feelings will begin to form, even in “Friends with Benefits” situations.

5.  Keep him/her at bay and definitely make them work for it.

Being too available wreaks of desperation.  And while I’m not a big proponent of playing games, being a Heartbreaker is unfortunately one of the times when it’s a necessary evil.  Anything catchable is not worth having.  Remain elusive.  If he/she calls, give it a few days before calling back.  Make tentative plans and don’t follow through.  Don’t divulge the minutiae of your day, details about your personal life, your real social media information, information about your family or your past relationships.  Your goal is to remain a woman of mystery, to give the impression that you have a life outside of him/her and that you have better things to do than sit by the phone or computer waiting for correspondence.

Better yet, don’t fake it!  Get out there.  Be on the prowl.  Be experiencing new things, meeting new people, and living!

Put the onus on the other person to plan, organize and pay for the date.  They should be trying to impress you rather than the other way around.  Heartbreakers are in it merely for the fun, and all that planning and organizing takes too much energy.

we__re_not_the_perfect_two_by_asheemerson-d4s6h5p6.  Build them up.

It’s important to remain neutral in your emotional involvement, but the largest part of being a Heartbreaker is the actually breaking of the hearts.

While on dates, become “the ideal woman.”  You must be able to morph into the characteristics they find most attractive.  Learn as much as everything as you can because you never know when you might need it.  For instance, if he’s into Baseball, you should be able to site enough information to gain some credibility.  Learn some stats or player’s names.  Or if you are more of a football girl, that’s okay too.  It still shows an interest in sports without mimicking his interests exactly.  You want to create the illusion that every interest they have is validated, is special and is shared.  Great Heartbreakers scope this information out in the pre-date conversation.  Being prepared will make the date less awkward.

Your goal is to become the “perfect girl” in the few hours you will spend with them.  Like a salesperson, you have to have them believe you might just be “the one” so that when you walk away (no later than date #2), there is a real and stinging emotional let-down, a breaking of their heart.

7.  And finally, Grow a thick skin.

Being a Heartbreaker is not to be taken lightly.  It’s hard work.  It’s emotionally disastrous if you aren’t in the right head space.  And what may be fun at first, becomes empty quickly.  It’s not a cure for loneliness, nor will you always be proud of yourself.

But try to at least have some fun while it lasts.

Mistress Elle: How’s It Hanging?

That’s right.  It’s time for your session with Mistress Elle.Elle

Mistresses operate best giving instructions.  😉

It’s easy.

1.  You submit your questions to

2.  I share my googled research, sage advice, years of experience, and deliver it to you in one sarcastically biting blog.

Now…I still wonder why men seem so obsessed with their junk.  I mean I’m not complaining.  It’s more power for me.

This week I address the age old question, “How’s It Hanging?”


Q: How’s It Hanging?

Our next question comes from Chuck in KY:

Oh, Mistress,  I have a question.  If men are right-handed, does their member tend to hang more to the left? And vice versa, if they are left-handed, does their member tend to hang more to the right?

Well, Chuck,

Interested in this question, I submit unofficial polls on both my Facebook wall and to the forum of one of my favorite message boards.  The results were quite interesting and none too surprisingly inconclusive.

Some of the responses:

–          Left-handed and slight lean to the left!

–          I’m right-handed and he favors left

–          Right and right, it’s not hooked just a bit of a curve I’d say

–          I’m right-handed and lean to the left.

–          It hangs straight.

–          This morning it is slightly right of center….. and I am right-handed.

–          He is all left

–          I’m right-handed.  Mine Lil’ Willy hangs right but left ball is bigger, but when my switch is on,straight as an arrow.

–          Right-handed and my dick stays on the left pant leg if it goes to throw right I feel way off-balance.

–          It’s straight as an arrow.

So they hang left, they hang right, and some have no preferred side.

Interestingly, you aren’t the first person to question this either.  See Yahoo’s Question and Answer forum here:

There are many theories in the scientific world regarding “how it’s hanging”…and not just the shaft.

According to Professor Chris Mcmanus, the right testicle actually hangs lower than the left testicle due to its weight and volume.

Right side hernias are more common than left-side hernias probably due to its weight and volume. (

About correlations with handedness, it seems to be that in Right-Handers, the left-testicle is positioned lower.  Whereas with Left-Handers, it is the opposite.

Chang et al (1960) found that the right testis was the higher in 62.1% of 486 men, and the left testis higher in 27.4%, the two being equal in height in the remaining 10.5%.

Antliff and Shampo (1959) found an essentially similar result in 386 men, the right testis being higher in 65.1% and the left higher in 21.9%.

The two sets of authors mentioned above differ in their findings as to the effect of handedness, Chang et al claiming that the relationship is reversed in left-handers, whilst Antliff and Shampo found no such reversal.

Additionally interesting, it’s supposed to be well-known among tailors or those in the rag trade that most men dress left.  The rise is the vertical area between your waistband and your crotch. If your waistband is not resting over your hips, you need a higher (longer) rise. Men who are well endowed by their creator will either dress-left or dress-right. Most men in the U.S. dress-left, so most suits have a tad more width on the upper left leg of the trouser, near the crotch. (

Another source theorizes that in most men the flaccid penis points slightly to one side rather than straight ahead.  The direction it points in correlates with what side the heart is on — which is on the left in most people.  Thus most men hang slightly to the left. One sign of dextrocardia (having ones heart on the right side of the chest instead of the left) is a penis that hangs to the right.

Among my small sampling of pollers, two other theories arose that:

1.      It may depend on the side to which a man sleeps
2.      The hand he uses to masturbate (“related to a counter-action against the sideways tug.  Everyone pictures male masturbation as a straight line motion, but since our arms are on either side of our bodies, there is a tendency for some side-ways pulling which can be more or less from person to person.”)

As you can see, science has yet to conclusively explain this.  Research varies, and unfortunately given the environment of sexual research in particular, we are likely to have no “firm” answer anytime soon.

Just be happy you aren’t this guy:

…And if you are, send the Mistress a little email. 😉

Mistress Elle: Jumping Into eBay Feet First

That’s right.  It’s time for your session with Mistress Elle.Elle Mistresses operate best giving instructions.  😉 It’s easy. 1.  You submit your questions to 2.  I share my googled research, sage advice, years of experience, and deliver it to you in one sarcastically biting blog. And now, Curious in Ohio “shoely” needs some help from The Mistress.

Q: What’s Up With These Shoes on eBay?

First up is a question from Curious in Ohio: So I have a question….See, I like to browse eBay for used shoes (I am a shoe freak!) and sometimes someone only wears the shoe only a couple of times and decide they hate the shoes and try to sell them.  I have gotten some really good shoes for a good price that way, but I always wondered about those certain listings where the shoes are trashed and the listing of it is “private” (whatever the hell that means).   I am sure there are other women looking for normal shoes on eBay and have come across these listings and wondered what the hell is going on.  Is there a fetish out there where men like used shoes that women put their feet in and have pics with? Can’t figure this one out!! Or could it be a lesbian thing? Educate me.   Curious in Ohio, What a great question!  And I actually have personal experience here.  As a long-time eBay lister, I was once approached about a pair of shoes I listed on eBay a year or so back.  We all know how Mistress loves her shoes, and I had reached the point where my collection was growing larger than my capacity to store them. (Not my actual closet…mine is SOOOO much larger. lol) So…I listed a pair of tan wedged sandals that had been worn quite a few times.  My foot imprint was in the sole but they were clean and good condition otherwise. Just hours after my posting was listed, I got 2 emails regarding the shoes as well as requests for additional pictures of my feet. Come to find out through some further email exchanges there IS a fetish out there for worn women’s shoes and more specifically sweaty feet.

One of the men to approach me was the writer of this blog:  Not only does he surf eBay for potential features for his blog, he also tracks celebrity gossip columns.  And yes, I was a featured foot model for his eBay listers. This fetish is not a lesbian thing.  As with most fetishes, it spans both genders and is a very specialized type of the more general “foot fetish.” To your point of the listing type, posting a “private” auction does ensure that the name and information of the buyer is not made public to other eBayers.  Many adult listings, as well as some clothing, shoe and accessory listings are made private. I  once had a friend who was a crossdresser, and he was able to shed some light on this mystery.  You see it’s uncomfortable for most crossdressers to shop retail stores, particularly to visit women’s retail shops and try on the clothing and shoes.  Just imagine the looks they would get!  So eBay is the most viable option.  Not only are the items delivered in such a way that even the postal worker isn’t aware of the contents, they can shop with complete freedom from embarrassment of other eBayers. So as you are perusing the shoe availability on our favorite auction site, you won’t be able to help but notice these listings now.  And hell, if you need some extra money, there are certainly worse things you could sell.

Mistress Elle: Balloon Fetish (a.k.a. Looners)

That’s right.  It’s time for your session with Mistress Elle. Elle Mistresses operate best giving instructions.  It’s easy. 1.  You submit your questions to 2.  I share my googled research, sage advice, years of experience, and deliver it to you in one sarcastically biting blog. Now…I’ve had so many questions flooding in after the post of this story that we thought it a good idea to dive a bit deeper into this fetish.  The following question was submitted to me and seemed to get right to the point.

Q: Balloon Fetish. WTF???

That’s right. As if it didn’t get weird enough when it comes to our sex likes, there are actually people out there– called “looners” by the way– that enjoy getting their latex on in a completely surprising way…with balloons!

Now when it comes to “looners”, they are not all alike. For some of them, popping the balloons can cause sexual arousal. They actually enjoy the “pop”.

For others, it’s the anxiety or fear of the popping that pops their rocks.

And for others, they may get sexually aroused from blowing them up, sitting or laying on them, or even the squeaky sound of rubbing against them.

And finally, there are actually people out there that become emotionally attached to said balloons and prefer to have sex “with” the latex beauties.

So one will naturally ask, as this question submitter did, WTF???  

The psychology of it, as with most fetishes, varies with the individual. Some might argue the anxiety of the fear heightens their parasympathetic arousal. Other psychologists will attribute the arousal to childhood experiences that link that sexual feelings with this childhood iconic symbol.

It’s also widely thought that the “popping” of balloons is a metaphor for climax…or even death. But as we know the orgasm is called, “Little Death”, in some cultures, so they are essentially the same, right? 😉 Now some of you may be hoping to experiment with balloons to see what’s the hype. Remember, they CAN BE dangerous. “You’ll poke your eye out.” No, seriously. So keep them away from eyes, and it is possible to burst an ear drum, so avoid close proximity to ears as well. And for Pete’s sake, DO NOT insert them into any orifice no matter how horny you may get. Bursting inside you could cause irreparable harm. But we’re sexual intellectuals here, so there’s no need to tell you that, right? It should be common sense. Heed my advice or you will be punished.  Unfortunately, it will be by the Universe and not by your ever-loving Mistress.

Mistress Elle: Why Porn Can’t Be Your Only Learning Material

That’s right.  It’s time for your session with Mistress Elle.


Mistresses operate best giving instructions.  It’s easy.

1.  You submit your questions to

2.  I share my googled research, sage advice, years of experience, and deliver it to you in one sarcastically biting blog.

Today’s tip comes out of a question I received from a man who is having trouble getting his girl to get off.  His rather lengthy explanation led me to this blog.  Men– Pay attention or it’s the shackles for all of you.

Why Porn Can’t Be Your Only Learning Material

Porn seems to be largely comprised of men quite literally “banging” women into orgasm almost as if they are wielding their members like a weapon of piercing brutality.  And while a woman loves a good “bang” once in a while, you amateurs may be surprised to learn, it doesn’t quite work that way.

The famous Masters & Johnson have found that the outer third of the vagina is actually the most sensitive for women. So pull back on that weapon, men. Deep hard thrusts may only be making her sore, and in some cases, turning her off. The opposite of the effect you would HOPE to have.

Next time you and your lovely lady hit the sheets, make a game of it. Try to only use the tip of your penis inside her…or better yet, try not using your penis at all. Try making it ALL about her and use your hands and tongue to increase her pleasure. Note the difference in her reaction, and then write me and tell me about it. I love a good story. 😉

Now get to it! You have homework.

Mistress Elle: Bathtime Fun



Not everything with Mistress Elle is a punishment.  Sometimes I like to reward my little beasts with some playtime.

Sometimes, nothing feels as bad as some good clean fun.
When was the last time you had a couple bath?

Yeah, I know.  Bathes and showers are a part of our daily routine.  We hop in.  We clean, and we hurry out on our way to work, or to school, or to bed.

But don’t wash them away so easily…

Couple bathes can be a great way to reconnect with your partner in a soapy, slippery, touch-based communication session that proves a relaxing begin to foreplay if done correctly.

It can be a clean way to play,

a way to pamper one another,

or when taken a bit farther…a way to break away from the norm, i.e. your bed.

So load up on the bubble bath, baby oil, candles and shampoo and plan some “alone” time in the bathroom on your next date night.

Cleansing yourself doesn’t have to be part of your mundane routine EVERY time.   Get a little dirty while getting clean!

Mistress out.


Mistress Elle: Coming to Climax Gives Me Such a Headache

That’s right.  It’s time for your next session with Mistress Elle.


Mistresses operate best giving instructions.  It’s easy, so don’t fuck it up.

1.  You submit your questions to

2.  I share my googled research, sage advice, years of experience, and deliver it to you in one sarcastically biting blog.

Now, eyes forward (*smacks with the ruler).  Read on, and let’s begin.

Climax Headache?

The last two times I’ve orgasmed with my boyfriend, it feels like the muscles around my scalp constrict and I’m left with a blinding headache which overpowers my orgasm.  Is there something wrong with me?  Should I be worried?

First of all, Ms. Climax, breathe.  You’ll be happy to know that it is highly unlikely that anything serious is wrong.  Society often makes jokes about women and headaches when it comes to sex, but this is serious business.  These headaches are actually thought to be a type of migraine headache, and anyone who has experienced that knows, it can be CRIPPLING!  Imagine that at the time you are supposed to be feeling the most pleasure.  Not fun!

There are actually two types of headaches associated with sex.  Type 1 is a dull headache at the onset of sexual excitement and occurs in about 25% of such sex-related cases.  Sounds as if you are actually dealing with Type 2,  which is far more prevalent in 75% of cases, and comes on suddenly and acutely feeling like a squeezing of the skull cap.

If these headaches persist, I would suggest going to the doctor for an MRI to rule out an aneurysm or a tumor, but this scenario is scarce and it’s more likely your doctor will prescribe a migraine medication to ease your suffering.

I wish you a quick recovery.  No one should have to suffer in their defining moment…unless you’re into that sort of thing.

I happen to know a few people that are. 😉

Mistress Elle: Scooby Role Play

That’s right.  It’s time for your session with Mistress Elle.


Mistresses operate best giving instructions.  It’s easy.

1.  You submit your questions to

2.  I share my googled research, sage advice, years of experience, and deliver it to you in one sarcastically biting blog.

Now sit there, minions.  Read on, and let’s begin.

Oral Sex & Role play

“Being the sex goddess you are, I bet you will have some ideas or comments. I am married to a curvaceous woman, that being said, I was dumbfounded when she told me she it doesn’t do anything for her when I perform oral sex on her. I know that I don’t have a problem performing oral sex on a woman, as I can move my tongue better than Gene Simmons.  (I even won a bet on who ate pussy better me or Her girlfriend! Yes, I’m proud that I beat a lesbian in licking pussy!!) Okay, so that was before I met my wife and all. Give me some input here please. Oh, and I love role play, and she thinks it’s weird. I told her she should be Velma from Scooby-Doo, and I’d be Shaggy.  Help?”

It sounds a bit like she isn’t comfortable with her body or is afraid to express to you what feels good.  For the first part of this, i.e. oral sex, I would suggest either asking her to masturbate for you or for you to masturbate her and have her guide your hand with hers.  Pay attention to where she places your fingers.  The “sweet spots” on woman are very different.  This exercise will help you learn where you need to concentrate your tongue.

Also, some women’s clits actually function like small penises.  It may help to not only lick but to suck it softly a bit too.  For some women, it can be buried inside a bit.

For the role play part, you probably need to start small.  Secretary, stranger at a bar, new neighbor…it would be strange to jump right into Velma.  lol  Role play is a lot like acting classes.  You don’t jump to an Oscar film without doing B-rated movies first.  I would probably start with YOU doing role play.  Set up a night where you are a new neighbor that just moved in next door and had to borrow something.  Easing her into the world of role play will hopefully open the door to Shaggy one day. 🙂smile

Now, I must go.  There’s a little swine here who needs to finish cleaning my bathroom floor with his toothbrush.

Mistress Elle: I Bet You Find This Sex Tip A Bit “Corny”

That’s right.  It’s time for your session with Mistress Elle.Elle Mistresses operate best giving instructions.  😉 It’s easy. 1.  You submit your questions to 2.  I share my googled research, sage advice, years of experience, and deliver it to you in one sarcastically biting blog. Now…it’s time for Mistress Elle’s Sex weekly tip.

Sex Aides in the Pantry?

Not all of us have the money or time to trek through our local sex shop for erotic accoutrements when planning sensual times with our partners.  And there is no better way to connect with our partners than through touch…or more specifically, massage. Sure you could spend $10 – $30 on massage oils that make all sorts of promises, but why not just visit your pantry? Cornstarch is a common kitchen item and runs about $1 – $3 in your local supermarket.  Not only is it great for making gravy, it also contains helps cool the skin, soothe chaffed skin, and slides over the body effortlessly. As with all things that are naturally fun in the bedroom, it is not without mess.  Make sure to put down towels, plastic sheeting or an older sheet to protect your bedding. Be sure to stay away from areas where skin is sensitive.  I would not suggest using it directly on the penis or vagina, for example. It is also intended for dry massage.  Any wetness may cause it to clump and become quite a mess to clean up…but then again, shower sex could be a nice follow-up. Speaking of massage, I have a little minion who promised the Mistress a foot massage.  To the pantry!