Liv’n The Single Life

Liv’n The Single Life: Five Reasons I Hate Relationships

Liv 'n The Single Life

 

I go back and forth on relationships.  There are times when I’m not in one– which has been the majority of my life– that I long for someone to talk to, someone to cuddle with, and a consistent sex partner.

But when I’m in one…there are days I can’t stand one more minute of incessant questioning, obligatory pet names, and routine hand holding.

Relationships kill passion, or at least that’s been my experience.  I think those stories of long-lasting lovers are urban myths more than anyone’s reality.

In my relationships, the man always ultimately loses himself.  I end up making all the decisions, and I lose what spontaneity I need to feel challenged and surprised.  I grow bored. He feels lost, and it ultimately leads to failure.

The top 5 reasons I hate relationships:

1.) ‘I love you’s become routine rather than any expression of feeling.  They’re mere greetings of comings and goings.

2.) Both of you stop caring about your appearances.  You become a rain forest of leg hair, and he goes days without bathing.

3.) Anything becomes a reason NOT to have sex.  “It’s late.” “I’m too full.” “I’m just too tired.”

4.) You tell each other everything, and you start to tune one another out in your boredom of it all.

5.) Time alone is a rare and delightful gift.  When you are always together, you become smothered.

I only have to look at this list to remind myself why I would rather microwave dinners than share my bed with his toenail clippings.

Liv’n The Single Life: Sex at the Workplace

Liv 'n The Single Life

“My god! Why would anyone do such a risky thing?”

…Because being bad feels good.

 

Think about it.  We all like to feel like we are doing something we shouldn’t.  That adrenaline rush, the sneaking around…makes it so much hotter. Not to mention the fact that it definitely makes the work day go by so much faster and is more entertaining.  If you have little flirtations and the possibility of something so out of the ordinary, it makes for wonderful mental imagery and gets your libido fired up. If you’re in between relationships, or in a bad one, Momma always said the best way to get over a man is to get under a new one.

Should you or shouldn’t you?

Well, I am here to tell you the pros and cons, and then you can make that decision for yourselves.

Everyone has had those initial feelings of lust and sexual attraction.  Those make your heart race and mind wander to thoughts and scenarios that make you feel guilty or nervous.

It could be the Greek god-like golf club member who makes you feel like your vagina is throbbing so loud other people know what fantasy is in your mind when you watch him. And when he asks you to go into the locker room after closing up shop, you think, “My god.  If I get caught, I will lose my job.”  It could be your boss at the law firm, the chief engineer in your apartment building, or the chef in the restaurant where you work.  That taboo can make any workplace seem so much more exciting. Giving someone head in front of the mirrored doors at the hotel you both work at or having sex on the work bench in the basement can be so exquisitely hot and hard and fast.

That being said, there are some pros and cons to doing the dirty deed where you earn your bread and butter.  Sexual harassment is a very sticky situation.  There are obviously complications if one or both of you are attached.  If you break up a happy family, or tarnish your professional reputation, it could most definitely change your life.  Sometimes we need a change, and we do things that make it happen so we do not have to make the choice. And other times, we just want to have a little fun.

Worst case scenario, you get caught on the pool table at the club, mid-stroke while he is attempting a trick shot with you in a compromising position…or under the bleachers at the stadium when one of you is supposed to be playing and the other is supposed to be working in the snack shop. That could be one humiliating scene you will never forget, but the person who catches you enjoys telling it over and over and over.

It can be so disappointing. If you have an encounter that turns out to be less then fulfilling, then you have to face this chef with the wiggly, pasta noodle penis every day at work, and you may start to really resent even the smallest things.  Work-related comments may seem full of innuendo or take on new meaning.

Or if it is your boss, and he starts throwing spending money your way to go get new shoes, or sends you on errands that are demeaning, or in his worry to keep you from telling his wife, makes rude comments or smacks your ass as you walk up the stairs, or comments in front of clients that you are showing too much cleavage…you have now crossed into the uncomfortable zone.

Then there is the possibility of it developing into a habit, and then, feelings, and maybe you end up becoming a “couple.”  How do you work together and not get caught?  If you have a workplace code of conduct that restricts you from dating that client or a coworker, you may end up having to quit your job or move your business elsewhere.

What about feelings?

You could get your feelings hurt if you enjoy it and then the other person moves on to the next hot piece of ass.  You have to know yourself well enough to know if it is going to be something you can actually handle.

If you can keep in mind that everything has an ending, it WILL end one way or the other, eventually.  You will do the deed.  It will be wham, bam, and no thank you, ma’am, because he is now filled with shame and remorse or worried he will get caught.

Or if he did not exactly ring the bell…like he so eloquently talked his game to make you think that sex on your desk after the school bell rings would be so hot, and you would be that badass teacher that everyone is hot for. Then you find out he has a wee-willy, winky dick, and it literally lasted less than two minutes. How do you face each other at recess duty?

Think this all through and decide if you really can keep your mouth shut to protect his family life.  Or keep yourself from feeling like the realtor who would take one for the team to close a sale, that everyone in town talks about at the water cooler.

Sometimes you need to shake things up, and it can end up being one of the memories you look back on often and think, “My god.  I did that?”.   If you take the risk, and it works out, it may be something for you to think about when you are too old to get it up, but you can sure reminisce and have good stories to tell your grandchildren to throw them off their game, when they think they have invented sex, and have yet to realize that back in the day you were quite the looker and hot-to-trot.

Or you could be sitting there wondering if you HAD taken that chance, what would it have been like?  Is this Greek Adonis really worth risking your livelihood over and taking that chance to find out if it is all you thought it may be?

Well it was for me, but now you decide for you.

Liv ‘n The Single Life: Every Girl’s Slut Bag Survival Guide

Liv 'n The Single Life
I’m here to lay down the skinny for all the independent, single women out there.  Dating in the modern century isn’t easy.  A lot has changed since our mothers and grandmothers filled their dance cards and were courted by their gents at the soda fountain.  Women today are owning their life, owning their skin and owning their sexuality.  With the rules in disarray, I’m here to give you girls a few tips based on my experiences in the battlefield.  Hopefully it will help you navigate the waters a bit a better when you are out there hunting prey.

Things grown single women should have in a backpack or trunk of their car

(a.k.a. the one-night stand survival kit)

How many times has it happened to you?  You were feeling his mojo, picking up what he was laying down, and ended up going home with him.  Instead of doing the “walk of shame” the next morning in last night’s clothes, think ahead and approach the situation with a little confidence…oh, and preparation.

  1. MOST IMPORTANTLY!!!  Condoms! Obviously, you are a grown woman and have been single for more than a minute. Sexual health should always come first!
  2. Lube.  Hey, you are already committed to the dirty deed.  Might as well make it fun for everyone involved.
  3. Toothbrush, toothpaste, mouthwash, and those damned addictive tooth floss picks.  I mean flossing got Richard Gear in Pretty Woman.
  4. Deodorant.  If it’s done right, you’re going to be putting a little physical effort in.  Don’t want to smell like it too.
  5. Makeup touch-up kit, including concealer; mascara; lipstick; powder; small hotel shampoo, conditioner and lotions; perfume of some type, tampons/pads, baby wipes, and a shaver.  You obviously don’t want to “look” how you “feel” after a turbulent night of wild abandon.
  6. Bobby pins.  A quick messy bun can hide a multitude of “bed head” issues.  In most cases you can’t take a shower and wash your hair at his place, and you may not have time to run home before stumbling into work.
  7. Energy drink and junk food. Candy, especially mints, never hurt.
  8. Phone charger.  We’re in the modern tech age.  You never want to be without your phone.  It contains your entire life.
  9. Underwear and backup outfit.  This is not just for hooking up.  I actually keep coveralls AND boots in my trunk.  You just never know when you’re going to end up stranded on the side of the highway.  And did I mention that a skirt and high heels is not very fun in the snow bank?  Although it IS fun for your boss to watch you hop out of the car while wearing said skirt, but I digress.
  10. I also keep a Pocket/Swiss Army knife on my keyring.
  11. Small instant coffee packets.  Good luck getting one-night-stand Starbuck’s love from the random stranger or ex co-worker.  And if it’s your preference, throw in some shelf-stable creamers as well.
  12. Mace.  A pocket-sized dose of mace will ensure that should it come down to “No means No”, he really gets it.  This is only to be used in absolute need.

So there you go– your best bet to be prepared. Now go have some fun, be happy, and be more alert in the morning while scrambling to get your walk of shame as dignified looking as possible.

These things are so awesome to have in my 31 bag for life’s little emergencies. 😉

But heed my warning.  If you lock your keys in your car, or decide to let him drive you back to his place because you drank too much and you leave your bag in your car…this is really not going to help you very much.  Now, is it?

Do as I say, not as I do.  Right?

Hey, I’m the one out here taking the bullets.

Just trying to help a sister out.

Liv