Blogs and Lit

How I Pulled Off a Surprise Wedding

This Valentine’s Day I married my white knight. When we started posting on social media, our friends and distant family were shocked. You see…no one knew this was coming…especially THE GROOM!

This blog tells our story.

Wrecker and I have been together for almost five years now. Both of us came from some pretty shitty romantic circumstances and were ripe for emotional attachment. This was the first relationship I had that started with complete brutal honesty and a well-developed friendship. He knew early on marriage was in our future, and he has been asking me for the last 4 years to become his wife. I was a bit more skeptical about love, having been burnt so many times before, and I kept signing him to 2-year contracts with an option to walk away if we found it was no longer working for us. (See. Brutal honesty.)

But around October of last year, I came around. I realized that our partnership was for keeps. He makes me a better person and complements me in so many ways that I would be dumb not to grab on to him and hold on tight. It came to me in an epiphany that I had THE perfect opportunity to pull off the most rarest of occasions: a SURPRISE wedding. I mean how many people have the opportunity to do that???

…And he would never suspect it happening on Valentine’s Day given my tenuous relationship with all things love.

To set up the scenario, I had asked him in early January to take Valentine’s Day off of work because I had big date night V-day plans, and he would get info on a need-to-know basis. (I have pulled off many a surprise in the past, so this was not out of the ordinary as far as he was concerned.)

The first and most important thing I needed to address was the license, so in early January I started suggesting a late February elopement. (You see this is marriage #3 for both of us, so formality was already out the window.)  And as he struggled with the idea of leaving our parents and children out, I already knew the plan was to include them all.

Throughout January, I was compiling all the things that make a wedding a wedding. I found the dress, made the bouquet, located the perfect decorations, bought baking supplies, and planned out the timeline to each detail. I created a Private Facebook event where I was feeding information to our clan.

I was also strategically feigning concern over the details of our supposed Feb. 25th elopement, but asked him if we could put off thinking about it until after his Feb. 14th date night surprise. Make no mistake here, I deserve this year’s Oscar.

Before I knew it, Valentine’s Day had arrived, and here is how it all unfolded.

Early on Valentine’s Day, we headed out to get our marriage license. We were the second couple that day. Yay, love.

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16728995_1371349416258702_168580446772077979_n.jpgSo by 10 A.M., legal paperwork in hand, I wanted to avert any suspicion of evening plans, and we grabbed a romantic breakfast at our favorite chain, First Watch. After breakfast, we stopped to get him a fresh haircut and to exchange our outdated Time Warner modem for something more this century. (As he sat giddily telling the hairdresser about the mystery evening, I bore my eyes intently into my phone and tried to keep from smiling and blowing the entire plan. If only she had known…)

In fact, the entire morning I had to keep reminding myself to breathe. You may not be able to tell from this pic, but my insides were quaking, and I feared any slight slip-up that would ruin the surprise.

After our errands, we returned home where my parents were supposed to call with a distraction (i.e., a favor) in the late afternoon.

Around 2 P.M., my mom asks me to call her via text. (Remember, she is supposed to call us.) She wants to know if they are supposed to call at 3 or if they are supposed to keep him distracted until 3. (Oh, moms…lol)

The plan she says is to say that dad “may” need help cutting a limb down out of the tree, and that they would call him to come help. Minutes go by. More minutes go by, and no call back to his phone. I’m getting antsy.

“Maybe you should call Mom and see if Dad needs help,” I suggest. “I’m a little worried he may hurt himself. Mom didn’t sound too good.”

He calls, and Mom confirms they need him. “We’ll be right there,” he says before hanging up.

I lower my eyes. “Well actually…I forgot something for our date tonight and need to make a run to the store before I start getting ready. You got this?” I look up as straight-faced as I can muster.

“Sure. Trying to get rid of me,” he says as he leaves. Am I busted??? I panic, but realize I have no time. I have a wedding to throw.

I wake the youngest (my cohort in this shenanigan) as she worked the night shift. “IT’S GO TIME!!!” I shout. “WE HAVE A WEDDING TO THROW!”

As she gets ready, I run to the basement refrigerator where the cake and cupcakes I baked just days before were ready for transport.

I run to the second floor for the helium tank and our clothing for the ceremony and Day After.

The rest is in the car and has been all day. He had no clue as we drove to get the license and ran about our errands.

After the car is packed, I return to the Master bedroom where I lay out his attire for the evening along with a few clue cards I had prepped the day before.

I slip Clue #2 into his pant’s pocket.

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It reads:

By the way, I love you for who you are and who you will become.

Today is a trail of clues. Feel free to take pictures along the way and share them with our friends. The end of the trail is where it all begins.

K–

I place his pants inside his jacket, arrange the rest of his attire and place Clue #1 on top.

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It read:

You know how I love a good surprise. Now take your time, get ready to shine, and meet me at Hueston Woods Lodge at 6:30 P.M. sharp.

NO SOONER, NO LATER.

Check in at the front desk.

K–

Here’s a photo from his perspective:

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Meanwhile…out at Hueston Woods Lodge…

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Two girls were having a quick celebratory drink,

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Or two…

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at an impromptu Bachelorette party.

Then, while she practiced the song I asked her to play for our ceremony, I was decorating the Honeymoon Suite for the anticipated “consummation.” (wink wink)

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The giant card I got at Walmart, the pillow at Charming Charlie’s and the rose petals from Amazon.

 

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I made the cake beforehand and added the edible red rose accents I got at Michaels once it was set up. The champagne flutes also came from Michaels, the champagne to fill them from Kroger, and the cake topper was personalized from a merchant on eBay. The adornments under the cake stand are ones I brought from home and came from his Valentine’s Day present from last year.

Soon after the room was set up, I began to dress while the photographer friend of the family we know, Thomissia Robinson, snapped some of these great setting-inspired shots.

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As the sun set on the evening,

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My crew of accomplices (a.k.a., our families) began to arrive.

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The Fireside Room needed very little decoration with the wide open view of lake and the large fireplace that was already lit and setting the evening’s mood.

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We just added a little fireside decoration,

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some last minute touches,

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And the scene was set.

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To a table on the side of the room, we welcomed guests and displayed the cupcakes and champagne for post-ceremony celebration.

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On two of the chairs, we framed pictures of those not able to be with us. My biological father is on the left, and his father is on the right.

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As the rest of the families arrived, there was nothing to do but wait…

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and wait…

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And wait…

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And, hey– you guessed it…

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You see we were waiting for him to arrive, check in at that front desk and receive this last clue, which read:

So they welcomed you in, but you now must descend down the spiral staircase behind you.

Come meet me at FOREVER.

K–

Every movement at the top of stairs caused my heart to leap.

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And then finally…

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What’s that in his hand you ask? My Valentine’s Day card he was going to give me over dinner.

“No, you didn’t.” was all he kept repeating.

(The card was beautiful by the way.)

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After some boutonnièrage

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(As a side note: I must confess that I had to call in for backup on this one. I was shaking from nervous energy and my fingers won’t do what I wanted them to. Thanks to my bro for coming in for the save.)

and a quick kiss,

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I walked him around to where our families were ready to greet him. This even included a surprise for us both as his oldest daughter had flown his son in, who resides in Florida, for the ceremony.

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My youngest daughter opened it with an acoustic version of Meghan Trainor’s “Like I’m Going to Lose You,” and we were wed by our officiant, B.J. Stahl. For those of you lucky enough to know her…well, how lucky are we??? Ironically, she is also my ex mother-in-law and remains still one of my closest friends.

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She greeted us all with a beautiful and meaningful opening statement. We exchanged our vows (which involved cardboard boxes and a zombie apocalypse), placed rings upon one another’s hands,

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his youngest daughter read the poem, “Love” by Roy Croft, where I clearly lost it,

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and oh yeah, you remember that 2-year contract that kept being renewed??

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We tore that sucker up!

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A first kiss as husband and wife,

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and we were wed. The thing was done.

After the ceremony, we took pictures with our parents (his by my side and mine by his),

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our seven children and six grandchildren (one was still in Florida…boo!),

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and our officiant.

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With the short ceremony over, we moved over to celebrate with champagne/”kid wine” toasts and cupcakes.

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My Dad surprised us with a touching speech about how he loved seeing me happier than I had ever been, and he welcomed his new son “officially”– although those two have one of the strongest bro-mances I have ever personally witnessed, and I think this welcoming occurred at the first time they met, or at least when Dad lended him his first tool.

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Wrecker’s Mom followed suit welcoming me into their family officially,

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and then my brother,

and then his youngest daughter.

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She talked about how when her mom died all that everyone wanted was for her Dad to find happiness again. It wasn’t until I came along that they saw him smile. Of course, I  became the tear-filled bride at such a touching moment.

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It was a day of extreme highs filled with honest emotion, and the occasion was true perfection. We were so happy to be surrounded by the love and support of our family and touched that everyone could be there to share it with us.

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There was one last step however before we were truly “official,” so we sat down to finish the formalities.

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Then some more serious photos,

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and some not-so-serious ones…

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After the ceremony, I had made reservations for the special Valentine’s menu at the Lodge’s restaurant and reserved a King Suite for the night for our honeymoon.

Over dinner, we had several couples come up to congratulate us. They had been watching the ceremony from the balcony apparently, and many were there on their own anniversaries celebrating their own Valentine’s Day marriages so many years ago. One couple even bought us some chocolate-covered strawberries. (If you are reading this, we truly appreciated your gesture of generosity.)

For us, this love story has only just begun. We can only hope it will be as full of surprises as its beginning, and we hope that all of you find happiness like we’ve found.

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Is Keeping Your Cookie in the Jar Unrealistic?

Laura Wize Cookie

I am on strike and it’s nothing new. When I am single I usually do not partake in casual sex. Honestly it’s a bunch of effort creating a false sense of intimacy with a guy, so we can have real sex.  Creating false trust with a man is like watching sand fall through an hourglass, it’s just a matter of time before something shady goes down.

I read Glamazon Tyomi’s article on ebony.com Sex Before Commitmet or Nah? She took a poll to determine if abstinence is the path to marriage or if we are fooling ourselves. The vast majority 62.5% felt it didn’t effect their chances of a long term relationship.

I know couples who had sex within the first few dates who eventually got married. That being said I don’t have a great deal of married friends. I think the way society is set up it doesn’t matter if you wait or sleep with someone new every night you can end up being the same amount of single.

There is no magical set of actions that will make you un-single, but what if abstinence became a filter? A way to weed out the worthy and the unworthy and the process of locating the worthy became more diligent. This concept would only be valid to ladies who desire commitment. (because I am not anti-sex in any way)

What if, the thing that is really keeping you from being in a committed relationship is you are trying to make relationships out of great sex? People can say what they want but for women sex can often create emotional attachments. You can say with your mouth that this isn’t serious but after you’ve been intimate with someone the lines get blurred. In all honesty the only time sex is truly crystal clear is when it’s bad.

These are my four reasons to “Keep Your Cookie in the Jar”

Hi, have we dated?

Dating is an endangered species. I know at least three couples in real life who never went on a date until they officially became boyfriend and girlfriend. Stop falling for the “Netflix and chill” it gives the man too much opportunity to get you comfortable.

Make him date you by making a suggestion for an short activity in public. You can take a walk, get an ice cream, or grab a coffee. If he isn’t down for any of your suggestions you can forget to text him back. You have your own Netflix subscription and you can chill alone. Your cookie shouldn’t even leave it’s air tight container if you have no level of friendship and a man who won’t date you is a stranger.

5 Dates Ain’t Enough

If you are lucky enough to meet someone who will date you and take you on more than one date, rejoice. After you have done your private happy dance don’t ease up just yet. The choice not to have sex is not malicious you just really want to make sure that the presenter and the man are one.

Most men know the deal and know just how long they need to be on their best behavior. Don’t be a shrinking violet. Men are not afraid to let women down when it comes to their expectations. I am not suggesting that Mr. Wonderful isn’t all that he says he is but wouldn’t it be nice to be sure.

Stop Getting into Sexuationships

If you are over the age of 25 you are too old to be friends with benefits. If you think having sex with someone and quietly keeping your feelings to yourself is healthy, grow up. Why are you giving a Section 8 Voucher to your Park Avenue pent house.

If it’s sex then let it be sex but don’t be friends. I understand women have needs but potential friends with benefits just take up space. FWB is a form of settling and you settle with bill collectors not in relationships. Why waste time when you can keep the cookie in the jar.

Maybe I belong in the natural history museum for even suggesting to millennial woman not to have sex. I just feel if you’ve had it before what’s the rush? Especially if you desire to find someone who will last beyond a moment. Sex can cloud compatibility and a torrid affair is passionate but it only lasts for so long. Once again I am not anti sex keep the lines of communication open. I’m just suggesting knowing a person a little better before getting kinky.

Don’t get sad, get free!!

I read a woman’s Facebook status where she stated she wished she could un-have sex with someone. My immediate first thought was stop having sex with people. That thought wasn’t judgemental it was real. If you’re not having sex you don’t have these awkward moments with men after they reveal their true selves.

You can’t control when you will meet Mr. Right. You can control what you do and do not give Mr. Wrong. Nothing feels better than that sigh of relief “Thank God, I didn’t sleep with that jerk!”

Once again, I could be the cave woman preaching to the millennial. At some point you have to ask yourself is the road to commitment one of choice or chance? Should you leave no stone left unturned? In my case I plan on letting the rolling stones pass me by. Some heartbreak is inevitable and some is excessive.

The beautiful sex organ is between your ears and not your legs-She’s Gotta Have It

For more Oh Wize One be sure to  follow her on Facebook at OhWize One, Instagram@ohwizeone, twitter @ohwize1. Remember to share the wisdom with friends!!

 

Source: Is Keeping Your Cookie in the Jar Unrealistic?

DIY Jeweled Clutch

Looking for a weekend project? Check out Laura’s DIY clutch. Gorgeous!

Oh Wize One

I am addicted to statement pieces. Seriously when something speaks to me I drop the cash and leave my logic at home. I’m beginning to understand  that spending big money on pieces I am only going to wear on occasion is irrational.

I love evening clutches but they are expensive and too small to carry for everyday wear. I have been wanting a clear acrylic clutch so I ordered this one off ebay for $8. When I got it I thought it needed some sparkle!

For this project you will need:

Clear acrylic clutch

Assorted rhinestones

E6000

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Step One

Lay your clutch on a flat work surface. Plan out your design making sure you work around the larger rhinestones first.

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Step Two:

Spread a small amount of glue on the back of the rhinestone and attach it to the purse. Be sure to let the stones dry for at least 5 hours…

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What It Really Means to Be a Female Sex Writer

by Kristie LeVangie

This article was inspired by a discussion I had with a fellow sex writer on the perceptions, rumors and issues facing women writing about sexual topics.  We are both single, both sex writers and both face relationship-establishing issues because of it.

No profession is more over-glamorized than that of a sex writer.  Think about it.  You probably imagine some artsy loft with pallets, heavy velvet curtains, and a woman, half-dressed, a vodka rocks in one hand, a cigarette in the other and her silk robe is hanging off her shoulder.  Of course her hair is disheveled and pulled up behind her head and held with a pencil.  She strikes keys feverishly recounting the details of how this afternoon’s lover just banged the shit out of her.  She gets paid tons of money, takes on lovers she meets throughout her lazy days, and ferociously chases new experiences to improve her story content.

I have no doubt, because I’ve heard it myself, that this IS the image people have of me…especially men.  Because add dating to a passion for artistic sexual expression and…

Most men don’t get it.  They never try.  They assume I am recording their every move and reacting for the sake of storylines.  Most only want to be captured in print.  Few rarely are.

Ironically those that are rarely read the things written about them.

They assume I write about graphic sex acts and am a complete nymphomaniac.  Shall I dare even say SLUT?  Oh, I could regal you with some stories here, but I’ll let the grapevine fill in the latest sexual rumor.  (Did you hear that Kristie LeVangie _____________ (fill in the blank)?)

They assume I fall for every piece of dick I meet, and that every man captivated by my words or pictures that lays claim to fucking me, has.  They have even assumed I am disease-ridden, a human vile of STD’s, because I must practice all I write about.  Right?

They assume I have no feelings beyond sexual desire.  Besides sex is all ANYONE ever associates with you.

They also assume ALL you write about is sex.

They assume I am incapable of being innocent, nurturing or a loving partner and mother.

They assume you know EVERYTHING about sex.  People divulge their innermost sexual issues to you.  People you barely know.  People that may know you through your writing.  And I’m talking TMI information!  …But you smile and nod.  You assure them they are normal and send them to a random website you used once in research thinking it might have an answer.

You weed through a thousand “U R HOTT” emails a day.

You get dick pictures in the middle of the night via email.

You work long lonely hours in front of your computer.

You juggle another job, because the money is meager.  You can’t afford Manolo Blahniks, Carrie Bradshaw!

No matter how good a person you are, people will tear you down.  Nothing delights them more than to create fantastic stories of acts or ideas that you may, or may not, have ever done, influenced or provoked.

You don’t live a naked life.  You prefer yoga pants and a comfortable Old Navy tee.

You get whispers AND accolades from complete strangers– the shame and pride rollercoaster.

You put yourself out there through your writing and open yourself up to criticism.  And anyone that chooses to love you should grow a tough skin as well. They are not free from the crossfire.

You can never be sure if you are a “conquest” for a lover or a genuine interest.  Everyone wants bragging rights, and it’s rarely a genuine interest.

And finally, all of us are not gorgeous semantic glamazons.  We are normal women, writing about the experiences, fantasies and innermost thoughts of normal women.

Cigarettes?  On occasion.

Vodka rocks?  On occasion.

Lingerie?  It’s as uncomfortable to write in as it is to do other stuff.

False perceptions?  Most definitely!

And finally, no matter how hard you try to explain your “normality”, no one will ever listen.

 

She Feels My Pain: The Unglamorous Life of the Sex Blogger

I write about it all the time…how being a sex blogger can cramp your dating life, tarnish your reputation, dominate your conversations, and lead to a whole plethora of issues with self-esteem.

So I was relieved a few years ago when I found an excerpt from another sex blogger voicing similar thoughts, Charlotte.  She wrote The Life and Charlotte Times (unfortunately no longer active).

She wrote:

Yeah, I’m a sex blogger. I am indeed open. It’s all out there.  But I’m more than that. I’m a great date because I keep the conversation going. I’m fun. Attentive. I dress to the nines. I want a man to feel proud that I’m on his arm. I am also appropriate for each place we visit. I am a lady. I have class. Manners. Intelligence. The typical lady on the street, freak in the bed.

The problem is that I’m not such a lady online on this blog. Actually, I think I do a pretty good job making this a fairly above board sex blog. It’s not overly explicit. I hope I use some grace and class when describing the sexcapades.

Some might say look, you open your sex life to the world. What do you expect these guys will think about you being an easy lay? DUH!

To that I argue “I am a sex blogger, this is very true. BUT do not confuse the bits you read on the blog with the ENTIRE picture that is my life. Charlotte IS me, but it’s also a persona. It’s the larger than life side of me. If you want to know me, don’t read the blog. Don’t read my Twitter. Talk to me. Get to know me.  I DO NOT rush sex. I want a RELATIONSHIP that is based on more than JUST sex.

And yet, AND YET, still I get pushed. We finish dinner and he immediately asks me to go home with him. What for? You know what for…. wink wink.

How refreshing that someone else can articulate my challenges, my desires, my self-evaluation, and my relationship worthiness.

Contrary to popular belief, my life isn’t as exciting as I hear it is.  I always say I’m getting far more action through rumors than in real-time. My bed is rarely filled these days opting for quality and long-term relationship potential over quickies and one-night stands.

Contrary to popular belief, I’m kinda vanilla in my sexual preferences.  Sure I’ll give up anal once in a while.  I’ll wear costumes or dabble in light bondage and S&M.  I’m a total shoe whore, but that’s not really sexual for me.  It’s fashion.  I prefer to think I dip my toes in fetish, but haven’t really found one that quite fits.  I much prefer a massage or bubble bath to latex and ball gags.

It’s true that I talk about sex all the time.  It’s true that I think about sex all the time.  But for me, it’s not what you might think.  I’m into the psychology of it…the science of it…the philosophy of it.  I love to probe people (not literally, of course) to find out what hides behind their conservative exteriors.  I’m not running around bragging about my exploits.  In fact, I rarely talk about me…unless it’s something I read about somewhere.

Contrary to popular belief, I don’t fuck every guy that shows interest.  In fact, ashamedly, I’ll admit I put most of them through the ringer first.  I test them, tease them, and often draw it out to gauge their true interest.  There’s a danger of being a conquest and not a serious pursuit.

Yes, I’m far more abrasive in blog or Facebook status than real-life.  I’m actually sweet, faithful and try to be a dedicated, nurturing mother and partner.  But I do have that abrasive side.  I’m exercising it via blog rather than taking it out on the world around me.

Sex isn’t all I do.  You may be surprised to learn that I’m a trained ballroom dancer, can throw up drywall better than most men, have turned my hobby of shopping into a lucrative business venture, make a mean Chocolate No-Bake cookie, and can sing as well as play several instruments…outside of the penis.

I’m looking for a monogamous, lasting, healthy, passionate long-term relationship.  The loneliness is sometimes so impalpable that I cry myself to sleep envying all my married friends.  And despite how many times, how many places, how many ways I rephrase this to potential partners, Charlotte’s right.  They still assume that time with me will end with their cock in my vagina.

So what’s my option?  To hide my curiosity, bury my gift and try to feign normality? Doesn’t that then make me like all the other douche bag online profiles claiming to be something they are not?

How does one find love in a world consumed by sex?