This week in Oh Wize One, she examines the question, “Are you REALLY an independent woman?”.
See Jane trust.
See Dick accuse Jane of cheating.
Trust no Dick.
The true character of a man is tested when his mind starts to construct fantasies about his reality.
Harry once told Sally that men could never be friends with women.
It’s a sad world when a girl can’t just talk to a boy. I was recently united with a guy a went to school with. We were friends throughout Junior High and High School and dated one another for a brief stint my Junior year. I wouldn’t call it anything serious. We both went on to have families and careers and earn our hardship badges.
We reconnected a few months ago via facebook and emailed back and forth sporadically, but last week he sent me his number since Facebook Messenger isn’t the easiest thing to use. We started texting, reminiscing and just being goofy. I was enjoying getting to know him all over again and hearing about his adventures since our departure.
But just like Harry said, that was when it all started to go downhill.
The guy I’m seeing (actually LIVING with) jumped off the emotional cliff.
- A text message conveying my friend’s frustration with single life turned into an elicit relationship.
- A series of sporadic phone calls was deceitful to him and progressed too quickly to be “innocent”.
- And even though I cleared it with him before saying ‘yes’, when I offered to help my friend by giving him a ride, my friend was automatically assumed a stalker that would rape me the first chance he got.
- A mystery truck was parked outside our house yesterday, so logically, he called the company to scope out the employees and see if he could match it up to my facebook friend’s list.
- These are only the actions that I know about.
I get that a certain amount of jealousy is normal, but one has to ask one’s self, “At what point does “normal” end and “crazy” begin?”.
From my perspective, it all boils down to trust. He’ll argue that he trusts me but not my friend. I’ll argue that he doesn’t trust ME.
If we play a bit of devil’s advocate here, even if my friend has ill intentions, it’s obvious the boyfriend doesn’t trust my ability to either fend off my friend’s advances or to be able to identify the malicious intent.
Today I’m plagued with the question regarding the line between “normal” and “crazy,” so I went out in search of answers.
According to Gurl.com, there are 10 signs that tell you if your boyfriend is too possessive, and we seem to have at least 6 going on here.
- He doesn’t like you talking to any other guys AT ALL.
- He always accuses you of flirting with other people.
- He gets mad when you don’t text back fast enough.
- He monitors what you do on social media.
- He grills you about everything you do.
- He gets irate if you can’t find you right away.
- He’s really suspicious of your friends.
- He gets mad at you about things you wear.
- He never believe you even though you’ve never given him a reason not to.
- You catch him going through your phone.
My friend suggested, as I relayed the reason I could no longer be his friend, that perhaps the jealousy was stemming from the boyfriend’s own infidelity and thus projecting onto me. While I adamantly denied that he would do that, his escapades last night have me experiencing Pyrate flashbacks.
For those of you who don’t follow my blogs, Pyrate was someone I dated a few years ago who I discovered was hacking into my phone after I fell asleep at night and modifying emails to make it appear as if I was cheating so he could try to control my behavior and drive me mad by paranoia. All his effort only resulted in a messy break-up and an apparent PTSD dating aftertaste.
So here I am. Not sure what to do. I’ve lost a friend to keep the insanity in check, but do I now live a life where I can’t make new friends, text message people, or have conversations with strangers? Is he always going to be questioning my every move and second guessing everyone’s intentions? Is this more a reflection of his lack of self-confidence?
Have you ever dealt with a jealous boyfriend or girlfriend? How did you work it out?
by Laura Wize
Dating in your twenties teaches you to adjust your expectations…or at least it did with my experience. It taught me all the things that I didn’t want to continue in my thirties. I also had really awesome, scandalous, dirty, hot sex.
It’s true, and I can’t deny it.
I described myself much like Julia Roberts described herself in Pretty Woman— “A bum magnet. If there was bum within a file mile radius, he was mine”.
Strangely enough, some of the best sex I ever had was with those bums.
My twenties are coming to a close, and I finally found a great guy, Scott, who is not a bum. We’re in love and planning our future together. So what is wrong with me having a great guy? Nothing is wrong; I just had the expectation that we would be having this life-altering sex.
Don’t misunderstand. We have good sex. I just want more.
If I plan on potentially marrying him, then it was on me to admit I needed more.
I got frustrated at the thought of even bringing up the topic.
I even began to wonder why is good sex attached to bad people. I always thought that when the stars magically aligned themselves, everything would be perfect.
Well, we had “the conversation,” and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. The conversation went something like this:
Me: I want to write about sex, but I feel like it will make you uncomfortable.
Scott: Why would it make me uncomfortable? You write about sex all the time.
Me: ‘Cause it’s about our sex life.
Scott: What you are you going to say?
Me: It will be about how to have a better sex life with your partner, and I’m my own test dummy. It’s not that it’s bad; it could just be better.
Scott: What will we do to make it better?
Me: Well I have some exercises in mind, books to read, and maybe go to an adult store.
The possibility of a trip to the Hustler store put him on the road to happiness, and I got his full consent as a test dummy. The thing you need to understand about Scott and I…we are total opposites.
I am upbeat, and he is a realist. My favorite movie is Moonstruck, and his is Last of the Mohicans.
I also think we have two different expectations of what should happen in the bedroom.
Our first small step towards understanding and big step towards multiple orgasms is Scott and Laura’s infinite playlist. We both love music, and I personally believe that what you listen to says everything about who you are and what you want. I think once we hear what the other person wants, it will make it easier to know what works for them. I asked him to come up with a playlist of five songs to describe what his ideal sexual experience is, and I would do the same.
Scott asked, “What if they are all raunchy songs?”
I just laughed and thought, “That will explain a lot.”
The playlist theory is to further explore each other’s unconscious needs. The things we want to describe but can’t because it is too hard.
Sexual expectations are similar to having an island mentality: you aren’t aware of what is happening in other places because, hell, you live in paradise.
I wanted to get a mutual understanding of our latitude and longitude as a couple.
- Kelly- Sex Me
- Teddy Pendergrass- Close the Door
- Johnny Gill – Love in an Elevator
- Eric Benet- Chocolate Legs
- Silk- Freak Me
- Maxwell- Sumthin Sumthin – Mello Smooth Mix
- Raheem Devaugn- Garden of Love
- Prince- Scandalous
- Nine Inch Nails- Closer
- Joe- Love Scene
After listening to Scott’s playlist, I came to the conclusion that he is eager to please his partner. He thinks of sex as a private intimate act that he wants to share with someone special.
Overall, the exercise was like reading the opposing team’s playbook– only in this case cheating is totally acceptable.
I think he liked it too.
And I think you have to be willing to make the sex in your relationship what you want.
As for Scott and I, only time can tell if our infinite playlist will get us from good to explosive. I feel like admitting we had a problem was the first step, and we’re better already.
by Teddy Sephina
Education: when you grow up having no choice but to have an absolutely, terrifying aversion to the public restrooms because your grandmother taught you that you simply must hold in your insane desire to pee, until you have fully decorated the public toilet with half a roll of toilet paper–not to mention the toilet handle, the toilet tank, and even the bolts on the floor.
That’s education for you.
Education: when you have finally elevated yourself to just mere balking at using the public restroom, and life is slightly less stressful, you meet someone who strikes up an easy friendship with you. Little do you know, slowly will your sanity be also taken away. My roommate has a serious, and I mean, serious aversion to the common Germ. Yes, that horrible, fretful, nasty four-letter word that starts with (shudder) a “G.” But sadly, and this has caused me great changes in my former simple life, I now am deathly afraid of the public restroom. Not only there, but even in my own home.
You see, here’s the ritual: You have a strong desire to pee, only not with Grandma there to decorate the toilet; you have to do it yourself. So now, you’re standing there, with your legs crossed at the knees, with a bottle of Purell or Germ-X in your one hand, a saturated wipe in your other, leaning precariously over the dreaded toilet whose life has been touched by millions of heinies, and you, with eyes closed as much as you can, begin to wipe down this porcelain throne. When you finally decide you can pee, you still think of Grandma, smiling down on you, and you still decorate the toilet with half a roll of toilet paper.
Now, you can commence peeing. But!
That’s not all.
When you finish with everything, and get ready to leave the stall, you have to take a piece of toilet paper, not used, to open the stall, and then you manage to weakly make your way over to the second dreaded station: the sink.
First, since you feel dirty anyway, you yank the lever on the paper towel holder, and leave the paper hanging. You will, of course, use the first sink next to it, so no one can take your paper towel. Then, you proceed to wash your hands. Now, your hands are clean, so you’re not going to touch the faucet, no no. You take that paper towel, dry your hands, and then, using that same paper towel, you turn off the faucet you just used. Dispose of that paper towel with every germ known to man on it, and you take that long, head-hung-low walk to the door. You pray, with each step you take, that someone else will venture into that slimy place we call the public bathroom. And if you don’t have time to stand and wait for the unknowing, naïve next bathroom guest, you hark back to the days of being lithe, athletic, and into yoga, and you rear your leg up and open the door with your foot. And then, in a way that would inspire awe in the most trained contortionist, you wrap around the open door and slip back out to where your waiting party is.
This, my friends, is the education I have gained from my friend.
I go back and forth on relationships. There are times when I’m not in one– which has been the majority of my life– that I long for someone to talk to, someone to cuddle with, and a consistent sex partner.
But when I’m in one…there are days I can’t stand one more minute of incessant questioning, obligatory pet names, and routine hand holding.
Relationships kill passion, or at least that’s been my experience. I think those stories of long-lasting lovers are urban myths more than anyone’s reality.
In my relationships, the man always ultimately loses himself. I end up making all the decisions, and I lose what spontaneity I need to feel challenged and surprised. I grow bored. He feels lost, and it ultimately leads to failure.
The top 5 reasons I hate relationships:
1.) ‘I love you’s become routine rather than any expression of feeling. They’re mere greetings of comings and goings.
2.) Both of you stop caring about your appearances. You become a rain forest of leg hair, and he goes days without bathing.
3.) Anything becomes a reason NOT to have sex. “It’s late.” “I’m too full.” “I’m just too tired.”
4.) You tell each other everything, and you start to tune one another out in your boredom of it all.
5.) Time alone is a rare and delightful gift. When you are always together, you become smothered.
I only have to look at this list to remind myself why I would rather microwave dinners than share my bed with his toenail clippings.
by Johnny Jackhammer
My wife is a champion flirter.
She has an effortless ability to energize a room and connect with anybody she wants. Just this week she admitted to me, “FLIRTING is my middle name!” She is eager and sharp and ready to beam her smile at everyone. It’s all about a playful attitude.
Proof! My lady texting me a photo while she was furniture shopping.
A flirtatious attitude can boost your confidence, bring more fun into your day, and help you feel more energetic. There is something about the naughty exchange that quickens the pulse and sharpens the senses.
Flirting can also expand your world, making it easier to meet new people and strengthen existing relationships.
In her book Total Flirt, Violet Blue shares several reasons to flirt, whether it’s to find friendships, flings, or something more. She sums it up well when she says, “For everyone, it’s just good, clean fun.”
That’s how I see it too: good, clean fun with a twist of naughtiness. True sexual intellectuals are inspired by these salacious exchanges with playful people!
Ways to Flirt
This is where I seek your advice, as I hope to learn from others.
I like the fun of the eye contact spark, and I certainly am not looking for hookups as a result. I believe that flirting begins and ends with meaningful eye contact. Watching my lady has clarified the most important principles of flirting: eye contact and a smile.
I find that people are quick to return a smile when you smile at them. If you let the eye contact linger, you can turn a polite greeting into a flirtatious connection.
The art of the experienced flirt revolves around being playful without being misinterpreted. You might just be having a laugh without necessarily looking to bed somebody. The skill is found when you can raise the heat without stepping past anybody’s boundaries. That might be easier for a woman than it is for a man, since many men are eager to go as far as the woman will allow.
And the success of the flirt is in sharing the spark of attraction with them without pushing the need to act upon it.
And I would avoid any cliché that resembles a pick-up line. They may have a beautiful body, but you’ll only get an eye roll if you ask them to hold it against you. Be clever. Be safe. Be fun. But have a spark of naughtiness in you.
A drink might help, but be careful not to cross into the “creep” zone.
Flirting is best done in public.
My challenge to you is to bring more spark to your day. Why not feel the magnetic energy and share it with others to brighten their day? I challenge you to bring the sunshine to the general public. Let’s see if we can’t create a kinder, happier community.
So make some eye contact in the following daily situations:
- Sitting at the stoplight
- Walking through the grocery store
- Strolling on your lunch hour
- And, for experienced flirts, while on public transportation
And, one very important thing to keep in mind: make your lovers or partners your first and most frequent target. If the goal of the flirt is to energize your life, you’ll achieve so much more by building the fire that is already between you!
Plus, if you both get really good at it, you can expand into “threesome” flirting! Talk about some crazy and dangerous energy! And all in good, clean fun!
To be continued . . .
That’s right. It’s time for your session with Mistress Elle. Mistresses operate best giving instructions. 😉 It’s easy. 1. You submit your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org. 2. I share my googled research, sage advice, years of experience, and deliver it to you in one sarcastically biting blog. And now, Curious in Ohio “shoely” needs some help from The Mistress.
Q: What’s Up With These Shoes on eBay?
First up is a question from Curious in Ohio: So I have a question….See, I like to browse eBay for used shoes (I am a shoe freak!) and sometimes someone only wears the shoe only a couple of times and decide they hate the shoes and try to sell them. I have gotten some really good shoes for a good price that way, but I always wondered about those certain listings where the shoes are trashed and the listing of it is “private” (whatever the hell that means). I am sure there are other women looking for normal shoes on eBay and have come across these listings and wondered what the hell is going on. Is there a fetish out there where men like used shoes that women put their feet in and have pics with? Can’t figure this one out!! Or could it be a lesbian thing? Educate me. Curious in Ohio, What a great question! And I actually have personal experience here. As a long-time eBay lister, I was once approached about a pair of shoes I listed on eBay a year or so back. We all know how Mistress loves her shoes, and I had reached the point where my collection was growing larger than my capacity to store them. (Not my actual closet…mine is SOOOO much larger. lol) So…I listed a pair of tan wedged sandals that had been worn quite a few times. My foot imprint was in the sole but they were clean and good condition otherwise. Just hours after my posting was listed, I got 2 emails regarding the shoes as well as requests for additional pictures of my feet. Come to find out through some further email exchanges there IS a fetish out there for worn women’s shoes and more specifically sweaty feet.
One of the men to approach me was the writer of this blog: http://sshshoes.wordpress.com/. Not only does he surf eBay for potential features for his blog, he also tracks celebrity gossip columns. And yes, I was a featured foot model for his eBay listers. This fetish is not a lesbian thing. As with most fetishes, it spans both genders and is a very specialized type of the more general “foot fetish.” To your point of the listing type, posting a “private” auction does ensure that the name and information of the buyer is not made public to other eBayers. Many adult listings, as well as some clothing, shoe and accessory listings are made private. I once had a friend who was a crossdresser, and he was able to shed some light on this mystery. You see it’s uncomfortable for most crossdressers to shop retail stores, particularly to visit women’s retail shops and try on the clothing and shoes. Just imagine the looks they would get! So eBay is the most viable option. Not only are the items delivered in such a way that even the postal worker isn’t aware of the contents, they can shop with complete freedom from embarrassment of other eBayers. So as you are perusing the shoe availability on our favorite auction site, you won’t be able to help but notice these listings now. And hell, if you need some extra money, there are certainly worse things you could sell.
by Kristie LeVangie
The big news today comes from Facebook, and some people are outraged. Others of us realize, shit like this happens ALL the time.
News broke this weekend that the social media giant manipulated almost 700,000 users’ news feeds in 2012 in an attempt to study whether emotion can be influenced by social media.
The catch is no one was told about it until results were released this weekend.
While the company was in legal compliance to do so, some users feel as if their privacy was violated. By accepting the Terms & Conditions of the social media site upon enrollment, you signed over your right to be forewarned.
So what exactly did Facebook do? “The experiment involved reducing the number of positive news feeds for some and reducing the number of negative news feed for others. The study found that the more positive the news feeds a user received, the more positive their postings became, and vice versa,” says Yahoo’s The Daily Ticker.
Needless to say, Facebookers tend to get a bit raw when their Facebook is messed with.
The study’s lead researcher, Adam Kramer, took to his own Facebook page to apologize:
“Having written and designed this experiment myself, I can tell you that our goal was never to upset anyone. I can understand why some people have concerns about it, and my coauthors and I are very sorry for the way the paper described the research and any anxiety it caused. In hindsight, the research benefits of the paper may not have justified all of this anxiety.”
This paragraph was embedded in a post offering some additional explanation on the study:
For the study details, click here.
For the rest of us social psychologists, non-consensual experimentation is nothing new. Wikipedia shows a laundry list of non-consensual experiments, including the famous Milgram Experiment from 1961.
The advertising world is a consistent arena for non-consensual social psychology experimentation. Every time they change a package, a message, a color, a situation…be warned that they are measuring your reaction to the change in brand awareness measures or cost-volume measurements.
The easiest thing to do if you don’t like it? Shut down your social profile and then, and only then, will Facebook likely take the hint.
For now, Facebook apologizes for the communication regarding the experiment, but not for the experiment itself. They say they will use what they learned on this study to adjust their communication to users in the future.
Do you feel violated? What’s your take?
That’s right. It’s time for your session with Mistress Elle. Mistresses operate best giving instructions. It’s easy. 1. You submit your questions to email@example.com. 2. I share my googled research, sage advice, years of experience, and deliver it to you in one sarcastically biting blog. Now…I’ve had so many questions flooding in after the post of this story that we thought it a good idea to dive a bit deeper into this fetish. The following question was submitted to me and seemed to get right to the point.
Q: Balloon Fetish. WTF???
That’s right. As if it didn’t get weird enough when it comes to our sex likes, there are actually people out there– called “looners” by the way– that enjoy getting their latex on in a completely surprising way…with balloons!
Now when it comes to “looners”, they are not all alike. For some of them, popping the balloons can cause sexual arousal. They actually enjoy the “pop”.
For others, it’s the anxiety or fear of the popping that pops their rocks.
And for others, they may get sexually aroused from blowing them up, sitting or laying on them, or even the squeaky sound of rubbing against them.
And finally, there are actually people out there that become emotionally attached to said balloons and prefer to have sex “with” the latex beauties.
So one will naturally ask, as this question submitter did, WTF???
The psychology of it, as with most fetishes, varies with the individual. Some might argue the anxiety of the fear heightens their parasympathetic arousal. Other psychologists will attribute the arousal to childhood experiences that link that sexual feelings with this childhood iconic symbol.
It’s also widely thought that the “popping” of balloons is a metaphor for climax…or even death. But as we know the orgasm is called, “Little Death”, in some cultures, so they are essentially the same, right? 😉 Now some of you may be hoping to experiment with balloons to see what’s the hype. Remember, they CAN BE dangerous. “You’ll poke your eye out.” No, seriously. So keep them away from eyes, and it is possible to burst an ear drum, so avoid close proximity to ears as well. And for Pete’s sake, DO NOT insert them into any orifice no matter how horny you may get. Bursting inside you could cause irreparable harm. But we’re sexual intellectuals here, so there’s no need to tell you that, right? It should be common sense. Heed my advice or you will be punished. Unfortunately, it will be by the Universe and not by your ever-loving Mistress.
Not everything with Mistress Elle is a punishment. Sometimes I like to reward my little beasts with some playtime.
Yeah, I know. Bathes and showers are a part of our daily routine. We hop in. We clean, and we hurry out on our way to work, or to school, or to bed.
But don’t wash them away so easily…
Couple bathes can be a great way to reconnect with your partner in a soapy, slippery, touch-based communication session that proves a relaxing begin to foreplay if done correctly.
It can be a clean way to play,
a way to pamper one another,
or when taken a bit farther…a way to break away from the norm, i.e. your bed.
So load up on the bubble bath, baby oil, candles and shampoo and plan some “alone” time in the bathroom on your next date night.
Cleansing yourself doesn’t have to be part of your mundane routine EVERY time. Get a little dirty while getting clean!