This week in Oh Wize One, she examines the question, “Are you REALLY an independent woman?”.
by Johnny Jackhammer
Massage creates connection.
I don’t see massage as therapeutic and non-sexual, but I haven’t chosen to get a massage from a licensed therapist. I prefer to sooth my sore muscles with a hot whirlpool over a deep tissue grind.
I do, however, see massage as a sensual connection between people; an exchange of warmth and electricity through the touch of skin and firm caressing. And the best massage is focused on the experience and not any notion of a “happy ending” (more on that later.).
This leads me to sensation play, which is a fun twist to add to massage. My GoodWitchNorth and I have brought more variety to our practice over time, using different materials and tools to create unique sensations. I find things in surprising places – craft fairs, carnivals, sex shops, etsy . . . and “Google is your friend.”
Common Sense Moment
I recommend you try all of these on your own skin before you ever put any of them to the body of another person (your thigh can be a great playspace). You need to know how much pressure creates fun sensations and how much takes you too far.
Also, these items are not intended for blood play, but there is a danger of piercing thin skin. Be prepared for accidental blood. With the right touch, you won’t break skin but can give the sensation of being ripped. With the wrong touch, or if you inadvertently curl your hand, you might be able to draw blood in a thin scratch. Safety is paramount, so be sure to have aftercare items on hand like paper towels, cleansing wipes like you’ll find in a first aid kit, and antibiotic cream such as NeoSporin.
Slip these on and your partner will coo with a mix of caution and eagerness.
This is a leather glove that has thin needlepoints imbedded in the palms. With the right light touch, it creates a scratch sensation that tickles the nerves. Be sure to adjust the pressure of your touch to alternate between a teasing tickle and a good, hard scratch.
Start slow with a light touch, methodically getting firmer to match the reaction of your partner. Follow his or her feedback as you massage and apply.
They are designed for sensation, not blood. They are tough to clean, so if you plan to use them on multiple partners, please get multiple gloves.
I have seen several types of nail extenders, but I like this simple metal model. It isn’t particularly Goth, and it is clear that you intend to build a scratch.
With the right touch, these won’t pierce the skin as easily as the gloves. But a strong hand certainly can. One cool effect is the long red welts that you can bring up with a steady pull. Hot, sexy, and gives the right stimulus.
This is good once your massage partner is nicely warmed up and you need to give the sensations an extra kick. Drag your hand down their body in a steady pull, and you’ll scratch a nice sting wherever you go.
Use with caution, though. If you go too light, you’ll stimulate the nerves so much that any touch will result in a ticklish recoil. If that’s what you’re going for, you’ll have fun. If it’s not, then you’ll want to return to some firm hand massage to bring their sensation level back down again. You can have some fun with this ebb and flow.
I came across a talon hand brace while cruising the leathergoods at a Renaissance Faire. It caught my eye instantly and went on my hand for the rest of the day. I dreamed of ways I would rub down my lady, adding the scratch of the hard plastic nails at intervals and key moments.
When it came to massaging her, however, the talons were difficult and ineffective. It was close to a failure. Because they were connected to my hand but not my fingers, they couldn’t be easily controlled or directed. And because my fingers were curled underneath them, it was difficult to find the right pressure for a long, even scratch pattern. I thought I could learn to master it, but I wasn’t sure that the end result would be close to what I imagined.
Then I realized, while toying around on my lady’s back, what real life talons are used for. Their primary purpose is not for scratching. Their primary purpose is for holding something (or someone) in place. Oh, baby, now I was onto something!
Pressing my folded hand down, she could feel the tips of the talons pin her down. Any attempt to rise would result in a sharper piercing. And putting myself at just the right angle gave me a delicious combination of control and opportunity.
Use the talon on your lover. Pin them down, whisper in their ear about how you are going to take them, and then take them. Then, use your cock (or strap-on), free hand, mouth, etc. to carry out your whispered promise.
Yeah, the talon is a fast favorite.
My focus is on sexual expression, not massage therapy. In my viewpoint, you are doing it right if you and your partner become aroused. What to do with this is up to you, but the session is always better if orgasm is not the goal.
If cumming becomes desired, however, try to match the activity with the play that led up to it. If you back off of sensation play into traditional sensual massage, then honor that energy with a nice finger or hand job.
Maintain the mood. Keep the pace. If you are massaging slowly, then work your hands on their sweet spot even slower. Let them build to a peak so softly that they cum in intense waves. If you are wrapped in intense rapture, say by pinning him or her down with your talon hands, then drive into them like there’s no escape. No matter what, match the mood and have a blast.
by Johnny Jackhammer
Do you know your “hard limits?” Have you thought about what you would never, ever do sexually to or with someone?
Most of us can probably list off our taboos. When GWN and I first flirted, she established, and we agreed on, the hard limits quickly: no kids, no animals, no pain. Those limits seemed reasonable, and they are probably more liberal than most. It showed that we were open to many sexual opportunities with limits that were easy to accept.
Attend a weekend-long BDSM event, however, and you might find your hard limits change. The introduction of pain into sex play was opened up a bit for us during this conference. Although we haven’t become lured by the more brutal stuff, I could write a full article about fun we found with sharp and intense barehanded spanking.
At events, pain play occurs in a controlled environment with full consent of all players. Everyone involved is sober and present. Roles and activities are carefully mapped out, with safe words or gestures to be used if things don’t go as expected or desired. That’s important, because this is all supposed to be fun.
One new area of kink for us was Medical Play.
We were invited to watch a scene by a great couple we met at the welcome mixer, who were eager to display their skill and equipment. They have a power exchange relationship, and she is the Master.
A lot of time was spent on scene preparation. Sheet covers and drop cloths were secured; rubber gloves and safety equipment were made handy.
The sub was ready for play as the top secured some wires and straps around his penis. From there, he was connected to a small device that looked like a guitar pedal with dials instead of buttons. We were told it provided mild electrical stimulation to his cock during play. He described it to me as a unique thrill, comparing the feeling to a soft and steady blow job. My interest was piqued as I imagined how I might try such a device. His Domme picked up the pedal, asked if he was ready, and gave a small, easy turn on the device.
“Aargggh!” the slave exclaimed in a mixture of pain and surprise. I mentally crossed the electrical box off my “toys to try” list! (It was an Erostek 232, in case you want to give it a try.)
She quickly backed off, and he eased back onto the medical table, ready for play. He was blindfolded and lightly secured. She disrobed and put on gloves to begin the needle play.
We were fascinated by the precise and controlled application of needles to the submissive. GWN got up to get a closer look as I settled into a chair by the table to observe the scene. The Master moved around the slave as she slid very thin needles through his skin so the point exited. None of them went deep, and only a few of them bled, yet drawing mild trickles of blood were both the goal and the kink.
Unique placement drew my attention. Three small needles were criss-crossed underneath his nipples to create an “endorphin button.” Once in, she could enhance his sensation through firm, careful taps on skin above the needles. Additional stimulus came through the use of a tuning fork, humming onto the endorphin buttons, creating vibrations of pleasure and pain.
Once his pain tolerance was increased, she moved to his penis. Multiple piercings were made through his shaft and scrotum. All the while, the Master regularly checked in to make sure that he was well and enjoying the experience. The electrical current made his cock softly pulse, but not become fully erect during the scene.
Most surprising was the tenderness involved in the play. I witnessed similar care and concern being shared at other medical scenes through the weekend. They had a common goal of causing or receiving pain, and they had a shared desire to see and smear the blood that arose from the play. I wasn’t necessarily aroused by it, although my lady felt a tingle. I very much liked seeing how much the players enjoyed the scene.
Oh, wait. I now remember an arousing part. To place additional needles through his ball sack, she climbed the table above him, lightly grazing her breasts over his body and ending where her pussy could meet his mouth under the blindfold. He extended light licks as she reached over and applied more needles. Now that the pain levels increased into a mix of pleasurable tolerance for him, she shifted and sat on his face. He ate her out while she carved the word “MINE” into his chest. It was a clearly sexual event, and we welcomed the view.
In BSDM play, once a scene is complete, careful clean-up takes place. But before that happens, the sub receives after-care. This is a valued part of the play. While this includes washing and being made comfortable, it mostly focuses on the warm connection between the players. There may be a blanket or a hug. There is always fresh water and subdued stimulus. The players have made a deep connection, and they both benefit from being slowly eased out of their euphoria.
Upon returning home, we quickly registered for the next conference. It was a welcoming environment that encouraged us to be wild, dress scantily, and feel accepted regardless of our body flaws or advantages. We all have magic to bring to the table.
Part 2 of my journal about a weekend-long fetish event.
by Johnny Jackhammer
There was a distinct lack of nervousness as we walked into the conference registration room.
The people were welcoming and warm. Then we were hit with the paperwork.
At a private fetish event, there is plenty of paperwork to navigate. It outlines the rules, what you are about to encounter, and what is not allowed. Events are grounded in consent and safety for all participants. A signature means that the signer is not squeamish, believes in sexual expression of all orientations, and acknowledges that just about every sex act imagined will be taking place. We signed eagerly.
(Side note: one of the rules prohibits photography once you are past the security checkpoint. Therefore, there will be very few photos included in this series and none with this chapter.)
This may surprise you about the BDSM community: it is a warm and welcoming community of people. Of any collection of people, I have not known more consistently tolerant, cheerful, and supportive group. Perhaps it’s the open vulnerability of striking up a conversation with somebody who is wearing nothing but a collar with their hands tied behind their back. Kinksters want to share their interests, show off their bodies or outfits, and make new connections. For many participants, this is a lifestyle of power exchange and connections.
Events like this all have “play” space, usually referred to as “the dungeon.” This is where you can witness most of the fetishes and edgy play. Often, the most popular equipment is the St. Andrew’s Cross, which is a wooden X-shaped frame that people can lean against or be restrained on. In most all cases, whippings, floggings, and beatings take place there. If you attend, you need to be ready to see bodies brutalized until black marks and bruises are raised. Later at the parties and hallways, we saw many corseted ladies proudly showing off their blackened chests.
In the midst of the harsh action is a prevailing consent. Tops frequently check in on their bottom, making sure that the scene is going according to everyone’s wishes. Extreme play creates a need for tenderness and after-care that is essential as a cool-down.
There are usually a few spanking benches, which are dual-leveled and padded. You kneel on the knee rest and lay your torso over the padded top. Here you’ll generally see spanking, paddling, and – on special nights – some fisting.
Beyond the dungeon, this convention had playrooms for sensual play (home to glory holes and gang bangs), bondage play (with plenty of scaffolding and framework), and medical play (more about this one later). Along with the play spaces, there is a XXX theater open and running for all the conference operating hours.
We appreciated that the conference kicked off with a dungeon tour and a pizza party mixer. They had a cash bar at the entrance, and my lady, GWN, and I grabbed nice stiff cocktails to go into the room with. As we started to mingle, we understood why there was no line at the bar. We might have been the only two people with drinks in our hand. While the swing community is a drinking culture, the BDSM community is not. There are some who may partake on separate occasions, but drinking is not generally a part of fetish play.
At the mixer, we quickly encountered an attractive couple. The woman was Amazonian in stature, and her man was kind and collared as her slave. We had a great connection and came to like them quite a bit. They planned some medical play later that evening, and they hoped that we’d be on hand to watch.
Which brings me to one of the conference tracks – Master and slave relationships. One thing I learned is that the Master/slave connection is not one of brutality but of service and protection. My assumptions were clouded by watching in Roots in the 1970’s, for sure. But instead, I learned that it can be a comfortable fit for the right type of people. Masters are dominant, for sure, but they are strong in how they watch out for the best needs of their slave. Punishment is immediate and public sometimes, but often it’s part of the kink for both parties. For example, the slave may be ordered to kneel on the floor next to the Master and wait quietly for a command. Even with this layer of control, there is explicit consent throughout.
The convention was a smorgasbord of kinky fun. We really enjoyed the “Tapas” session, which set up stations in the dungeon for people to get a taste of various fetishes. GWN gladly had her boots licked and feet worshipped, and we witnessed some amazing heavy flogging by a true artist. Other stations included a vacuum bed, fire cupping, light needle play, light whipping, and rope suspension. This was a useful offering to give people a taste of what they might want to try when the real play parties begin.
I also learned how freeing it is to see abundant skin and kinky outfits maneuvering through the conference space. Most people in our culture are self-conscious to some degree, and it was liberating to see so many different body styles be desired and accepted. We enjoyed seeing men and women of all types – between 80 and 400 pounds, from 3 to 7 feet tall – feeling sexy and showing off.
Sexiness is truly about attitude, and fetish events are filled with attractive people who were hotter than any Hollywood starlet. Sure, the model might have the Barbie-doll body, but we were much more turned on by the BBWs who were rope-bound and begging to be handled. I have to admit that there is something admirable about a 6’, 90-pound gender-flexible man in a wig, high heels, and a skirt. It’s the freedom and attitude that is sexy, not the package.
Now that things have kicked off, the only question left is do we just watch or do we jump in and play?
Reminder: This blog is discussing the Kinky Kollege. You can find more at their website here.
By Johnny Jackhammer
I didn’t read 50 Shades of Grey.
I won’t read 50 Shades mainly because I’m a literary snob, and people I trust have characterized the series as an unrealistic description of true Power Exchange in the BDSM community.
But I don’t need that book series to build my interest in kink. I have long been a kinkster, and my wife, GoodWitchNorth (GWN), and I have been testing out the waters of our local BDSM community. We are lucky to live in a place that has been jokingly dubbed “the Rope Capital of the World,” so events close to home have been easy to find.
I am glad the book exists however; because anything that opens kink into the mainstream is a good thing. But even with this advance, sexuality somehow needs to be enrobed in violence and domination to be accepted by the public. The sensuality that makes the world go ‘round remains taboo.
But in our house, my wife and I are expanding our boundaries, taking the time to plan overnights and getaways that have a kinky edge to them. We are glad to be over 40, which gives us a solid blend of confidence (to feed my exhibitionism fetish) and open-mindedness (which expands opportunities for her adoration fetish). Seeking out a sexy event to see and be seen, we enrolled in Kinky Kollege.
Kinky Kollege is a weekend BDSM conference held in the Chicagoland area by the Leather SINS organization. It’s a pansexual event featuring classes, vendors, a silent auction, networking opportunities, and a dungeon playspace open from 9pm to midnight each day. The event is held twice a year, with “Prom” held each March and “Homecoming” held each October. While it’s not a total hotel takeover, it is held in a private space with strict security.
As I write this, KK is fewer than two weeks out. How does a first-timer prepare for such an event? My thoughts are to PLAN and then PACK.
For a kink conference, we need to identify our fetishes. Classes at the “Kollege” run a broad range. Subjects range from “Rough Body Play” to “Tactile Torture Worship” to “Let’s Get Cracking – Whips 101.” There are some more sex-centric topics, as well, including “How to Give a Great Blowjob” and “Playing in Public.” I’ll compare notes with GWN, and I expect that we’ll do more than half our classes together and one or two on our own. I know that I’m interested in a basic rope class, a session on prostate milking, and some sessions on scene creation and playing in public. We might hit the “Fist-A-Cunt” session together, if only to watch the demonstrations.
No matter what, though, we’ll probably choose classes for the day on the mornings of the event. Most of our interests are shared, and we’ll want to stay flexible. You can check out their course descriptions at their website.
The schedule shows classes in the morning and early afternoon. Vendors go all day, and dungeon play takes place at 9pm. There seems to be plenty of free time, so I want to make sure that we also plan for some extended hang time in our room. Perhaps we’ll make some friends!
Like every BDSM event we have encountered, alcohol is not permitted. It makes sense, since the action can get fairly risky, making it important for the participants to keep clear minds. Plus, sex can only be at its best when one is sober; don’t you think? It might get rougher and sweatier when you have a jag on, but you’re more likely to reach sensual peaks when you are fully present.
Even so, our packing list starts with a bottle of good French vodka and bourbon. We will take plenty of breaks in our room, so our list will include snacks to match as well as extra glasses to entertain friends. I’ll make sure to grab some appropriate snacks: sharp cheddar, water crackers, hummus, and fruits. Good things to keep Happy Hour happy.
Since the event includes classes, followed by social events, followed by dungeon activity, multiple outfits are called for.
As a man, I figure I should have some jeans and tight t-shirts, sharkskin slacks with crisp white dress shirts, sexy underwear, assless chaps (don’t judge me), jocks of various types, and maybe a spray-on tan for my Midwest whiteness.
Women have many more sexy choices available. I, for one, am very glad for that. GWN will have a lot of revealing lingerie, sexy dresses, leggings, garters and hose, boots and heels. Red and black permeate her wardrobe, with some fun and sexy t-shirts for the more vanilla events (like one black shirt that just reads “Area Woman”).
The last item will be our Toy Bag – I figure that you never know what might be needed while in the dungeon. I plan to include multiple types of lube, unlubricated condoms (in case GWN fulfills her fantasy of pegging a row of “boy butts”), rubber gloves, and cleansing wipes. The toys should run the gamut from cock rings and vibrators to paddles and harnessed dildos. Be prepared for anything, right?
I’ll throw in some erotica and music for good measure. If the activities don’t meet our expectations, at least we can take advantage of hotel-style relaxation.
I hope that will cover any anticipated needs, but I’m sure there are plenty of discount stores or a mall nearby.
The hotel instructions warn that participants need to keep covered in public areas. This is especially true in their glass elevators. Chaps are family-friendly; aren’t they?
What if I wear a cowboy hat???
More to come on this…
I recently met someone I find myself completely fascinated by. We met through an online dating site and almost immediately fell into lengthy emails, of course, on the topic of sexuality. You see, he is immersed in the world of Domination and submission. So after several email exchanges, I suggested we meet.
And so we did.
We talked for hours over coffee, exchanging philosophy, questioning one another and sharing “bedtime” stories.
I won’t lie here. I was intimidated…for perhaps the first time ever. And just to be clear, I wasn’t intimidated by the conversation. I was intimidated by his personality and hardcore acceptance of self-actualization. He lives this lifestyle completely.
Now I, and most of you if we are being honest, consider me a “freaky” girl. I love experimenting. I love play. I love shaking things up and the element of surprise. Hell, that’s what I write about.
I left that conversation with my head reeling. With so much intellectual exchange to chew through, I laid awake for hours pondering my OWN sexuality. For a self-proclaimed freak, my adventures paled in comparison to his. You see he openly admitted to needling, using dosages of electrocution, roping, and psychological play. His world of Domination allows him to the opportunity to “top” in an arena I have merely dabbled in.
One of the things that I walked away from that conversation pondering was my own Dominant/submissive needs. I’m a Dominant personality. I’m in control at work. I’m in control at home. I’m in control of my own control (outside of some meltdown circumstances). I attract submissive men for these various reasons, and lest us not forget my brief stint as a Domme myself. But when I think about my own sexual excitement, I’m most turned on when I am the one being dominated. I know it’s old school, but I love a man who can be a man.
But outside the arena of the sexual playground, I couldn’t possibly imagine being dominated. I’m too strong of a personality to allow someone to dictate my actions. I want my own finances and my own activities. In short, I want to be able to do what I want when I want. (Not saying I wouldn’t make time for someone else, but we’re talking about power here. And I will accept suggestions, but not orders.)
So given this, I began to wonder…
What type of a man would make an ideal partner for me?
I mean a Dominant man would likely want to dominate outside the bedroom, and a submissive one would perhaps turn me on for a while, but I would grow to crave more assertiveness and less goddess worshiping.
Is it possible for him to allow me the freedom to be the woman I want to be, allow me to experiment with my own capabilities, and take control in the bedroom sometimes…but then to overtake me as well? Is it possible to find a man who will open doors, treat me like a lady on the street, but be assertive and demanding behind closed doors?
When I think about my past with men, the relationships that lasted the longest and were most fulfilling did top from the bottom– Pyrate, Big Poppa, Zombie…but I suspect that my behavior outside the bedroom had a tendency to emasculate them. I mean I am a girl who has her shit together. I have my own house, my own car, a nice job, a hobby I am more than passionate about, a great family, and an openness to living that most people find overwhelming. There isn’t really much I need a man to provide. I mean all I’m really looking for is someone that treats me well, inspires me, values monogamy, is open to life, and is respectful (this includes honesty) and supportive at the heart of it all. Throw in a bit of bad boy edge (fashion and confidence, not demeanor), and I would be one happy, happy girl.
So where does one go to find a Top-from-the-bottom type of man? Can I put THAT in my online profile? Can I add this to my online searches? How many men even know this about themselves? Hell, I didn’t know this about myself until this conversation.
I once did a talk show discussing the statistics of dating. After taking into account my age, the percentage of “available” men in my age range, and the percentage of those men actually dating inside my geographical state, I’m down to a 0.02% chance of finding someone. Now I have to multiply that a “topping from the bottom” criteria?
…I think I’m screwed…and not in the good way.
by Kristie LeVangie
When a friend first told me about this topic, which was on a Strange Sex episode (she’s addicted to this show now), I was taken aback. I mean Barbara Carrellas claims she can orgasm simply by thinking about it. She calls it “thinking off.”
Intrigued, I went to find out more.
I found out that this idea isn’t exactly “new.” Masters & Johnson researchers were linking the power of thought with sexuality in the early 1970s. And it makes sense. Women especially associate emotion with sex. And fellow blogger, Brian David Phillips admits to not having witnessed directly the technique of Carrellas, but states, his “impression is that it is not really anything all that new in that hypnotists and tantra practitioners have been doing that sort of things for at least a few centuries and in the past fifty or so years the hypnotists have been getting very good at their own approaches.”
So I, of course, had to try it.
The first time I tried in bed. It was 2 o’clock in the morning. I couldn’t sleep. The household was settled. “As good a time as any,” I summized.
I tried to summon the energy in my body like she suggests to do, and I did feel a stir.
But no climax ever came…well, until I ended up masturbating instead of letting the energy fester.
The next time I tried to do it in the bathtub.
Again, no orgasmic release…until I ended up masturbating instead of letting the energy fester…
In fact, I masturbated a lot this week.
I feel like a failure.
I imagine some Zen Buddha state of mind that I must somehow master to be able to perform this parlour trick.
I’m not giving up.
Who thinks this is even possible?