This week in Oh Wize One, she examines the question, “Are you REALLY an independent woman?”.
See Jane trust.
See Dick accuse Jane of cheating.
Trust no Dick.
The true character of a man is tested when his mind starts to construct fantasies about his reality.
Harry once told Sally that men could never be friends with women.
It’s a sad world when a girl can’t just talk to a boy. I was recently united with a guy a went to school with. We were friends throughout Junior High and High School and dated one another for a brief stint my Junior year. I wouldn’t call it anything serious. We both went on to have families and careers and earn our hardship badges.
We reconnected a few months ago via facebook and emailed back and forth sporadically, but last week he sent me his number since Facebook Messenger isn’t the easiest thing to use. We started texting, reminiscing and just being goofy. I was enjoying getting to know him all over again and hearing about his adventures since our departure.
But just like Harry said, that was when it all started to go downhill.
The guy I’m seeing (actually LIVING with) jumped off the emotional cliff.
- A text message conveying my friend’s frustration with single life turned into an elicit relationship.
- A series of sporadic phone calls was deceitful to him and progressed too quickly to be “innocent”.
- And even though I cleared it with him before saying ‘yes’, when I offered to help my friend by giving him a ride, my friend was automatically assumed a stalker that would rape me the first chance he got.
- A mystery truck was parked outside our house yesterday, so logically, he called the company to scope out the employees and see if he could match it up to my facebook friend’s list.
- These are only the actions that I know about.
I get that a certain amount of jealousy is normal, but one has to ask one’s self, “At what point does “normal” end and “crazy” begin?”.
From my perspective, it all boils down to trust. He’ll argue that he trusts me but not my friend. I’ll argue that he doesn’t trust ME.
If we play a bit of devil’s advocate here, even if my friend has ill intentions, it’s obvious the boyfriend doesn’t trust my ability to either fend off my friend’s advances or to be able to identify the malicious intent.
Today I’m plagued with the question regarding the line between “normal” and “crazy,” so I went out in search of answers.
According to Gurl.com, there are 10 signs that tell you if your boyfriend is too possessive, and we seem to have at least 6 going on here.
- He doesn’t like you talking to any other guys AT ALL.
- He always accuses you of flirting with other people.
- He gets mad when you don’t text back fast enough.
- He monitors what you do on social media.
- He grills you about everything you do.
- He gets irate if you can’t find you right away.
- He’s really suspicious of your friends.
- He gets mad at you about things you wear.
- He never believe you even though you’ve never given him a reason not to.
- You catch him going through your phone.
My friend suggested, as I relayed the reason I could no longer be his friend, that perhaps the jealousy was stemming from the boyfriend’s own infidelity and thus projecting onto me. While I adamantly denied that he would do that, his escapades last night have me experiencing Pyrate flashbacks.
For those of you who don’t follow my blogs, Pyrate was someone I dated a few years ago who I discovered was hacking into my phone after I fell asleep at night and modifying emails to make it appear as if I was cheating so he could try to control my behavior and drive me mad by paranoia. All his effort only resulted in a messy break-up and an apparent PTSD dating aftertaste.
So here I am. Not sure what to do. I’ve lost a friend to keep the insanity in check, but do I now live a life where I can’t make new friends, text message people, or have conversations with strangers? Is he always going to be questioning my every move and second guessing everyone’s intentions? Is this more a reflection of his lack of self-confidence?
Have you ever dealt with a jealous boyfriend or girlfriend? How did you work it out?
by Laura Wize
Dating in your twenties teaches you to adjust your expectations…or at least it did with my experience. It taught me all the things that I didn’t want to continue in my thirties. I also had really awesome, scandalous, dirty, hot sex.
It’s true, and I can’t deny it.
I described myself much like Julia Roberts described herself in Pretty Woman— “A bum magnet. If there was bum within a file mile radius, he was mine”.
Strangely enough, some of the best sex I ever had was with those bums.
My twenties are coming to a close, and I finally found a great guy, Scott, who is not a bum. We’re in love and planning our future together. So what is wrong with me having a great guy? Nothing is wrong; I just had the expectation that we would be having this life-altering sex.
Don’t misunderstand. We have good sex. I just want more.
If I plan on potentially marrying him, then it was on me to admit I needed more.
I got frustrated at the thought of even bringing up the topic.
I even began to wonder why is good sex attached to bad people. I always thought that when the stars magically aligned themselves, everything would be perfect.
Well, we had “the conversation,” and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. The conversation went something like this:
Me: I want to write about sex, but I feel like it will make you uncomfortable.
Scott: Why would it make me uncomfortable? You write about sex all the time.
Me: ‘Cause it’s about our sex life.
Scott: What you are you going to say?
Me: It will be about how to have a better sex life with your partner, and I’m my own test dummy. It’s not that it’s bad; it could just be better.
Scott: What will we do to make it better?
Me: Well I have some exercises in mind, books to read, and maybe go to an adult store.
The possibility of a trip to the Hustler store put him on the road to happiness, and I got his full consent as a test dummy. The thing you need to understand about Scott and I…we are total opposites.
I am upbeat, and he is a realist. My favorite movie is Moonstruck, and his is Last of the Mohicans.
I also think we have two different expectations of what should happen in the bedroom.
Our first small step towards understanding and big step towards multiple orgasms is Scott and Laura’s infinite playlist. We both love music, and I personally believe that what you listen to says everything about who you are and what you want. I think once we hear what the other person wants, it will make it easier to know what works for them. I asked him to come up with a playlist of five songs to describe what his ideal sexual experience is, and I would do the same.
Scott asked, “What if they are all raunchy songs?”
I just laughed and thought, “That will explain a lot.”
The playlist theory is to further explore each other’s unconscious needs. The things we want to describe but can’t because it is too hard.
Sexual expectations are similar to having an island mentality: you aren’t aware of what is happening in other places because, hell, you live in paradise.
I wanted to get a mutual understanding of our latitude and longitude as a couple.
- Kelly- Sex Me
- Teddy Pendergrass- Close the Door
- Johnny Gill – Love in an Elevator
- Eric Benet- Chocolate Legs
- Silk- Freak Me
- Maxwell- Sumthin Sumthin – Mello Smooth Mix
- Raheem Devaugn- Garden of Love
- Prince- Scandalous
- Nine Inch Nails- Closer
- Joe- Love Scene
After listening to Scott’s playlist, I came to the conclusion that he is eager to please his partner. He thinks of sex as a private intimate act that he wants to share with someone special.
Overall, the exercise was like reading the opposing team’s playbook– only in this case cheating is totally acceptable.
I think he liked it too.
And I think you have to be willing to make the sex in your relationship what you want.
As for Scott and I, only time can tell if our infinite playlist will get us from good to explosive. I feel like admitting we had a problem was the first step, and we’re better already.
I go back and forth on relationships. There are times when I’m not in one– which has been the majority of my life– that I long for someone to talk to, someone to cuddle with, and a consistent sex partner.
But when I’m in one…there are days I can’t stand one more minute of incessant questioning, obligatory pet names, and routine hand holding.
Relationships kill passion, or at least that’s been my experience. I think those stories of long-lasting lovers are urban myths more than anyone’s reality.
In my relationships, the man always ultimately loses himself. I end up making all the decisions, and I lose what spontaneity I need to feel challenged and surprised. I grow bored. He feels lost, and it ultimately leads to failure.
The top 5 reasons I hate relationships:
1.) ‘I love you’s become routine rather than any expression of feeling. They’re mere greetings of comings and goings.
2.) Both of you stop caring about your appearances. You become a rain forest of leg hair, and he goes days without bathing.
3.) Anything becomes a reason NOT to have sex. “It’s late.” “I’m too full.” “I’m just too tired.”
4.) You tell each other everything, and you start to tune one another out in your boredom of it all.
5.) Time alone is a rare and delightful gift. When you are always together, you become smothered.
I only have to look at this list to remind myself why I would rather microwave dinners than share my bed with his toenail clippings.
That’s right. It’s time for your session with Mistress Elle.
Mistresses operate best giving instructions. 😉
1. You submit your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.
2. I share my googled research, sage advice, years of experience, and deliver it to you in one sarcastically biting blog.
Now…I’m going to let this song start to explain today’s question from Newfound Freedom in Seattle.
I’ve recently gone through a divorce and find myself single after a 17-year marriage. I’ve spent years wondering what it would be like to play the field, but only now am I truly able to attempt it. I fantasize about being the Heartbreaker I was never able to become. Trouble is…I have no idea where to begin. I got married right out of high school and have only ever been with my ex-husband. Help a girl out. Where do I start?
The first thing a girl needs to do is understand the rules; hence, my Marina and the Diamonds intro.
1. Do You!
The first rule and underlying philosophy of being a Heartbreaker is: It’s all about you. You need to turn off your need to please. Turn off your sympathy. Turn off your empathy. Turn off your desire to please….except when it comes to yourself. “Doing you” is about satisfying your urges, your needs, your desires and your amusement. It’s harder than it might seem. I think we all have a natural inclination to feel for someone, even those we just meet. So this step and mentality may take some practice. Focus on the fun. When the fun begins to wane or if you suspect the other person is beginning to develop feelings for you, you have to walk away. Detach and flee quickly and without warning.
Not doing so will result in unnecessary drama and emotional conflict. Both of these are the very antithesis of “fun.”
Doing You also comes with a sub-requirement that merits it’s own entry: Appearance. It’s hard to be a Heartbreaker with unshaven legs, split ends, dry skin and half-painted nails. Sexual attraction, especially surface sexual attraction, is motivated by visual appeal. Make sure that no matter what, you clear your schedule for one day a week and do all the girly maintenance at once. Not only will it increase your confidence, it will ensure that you shine and stand out from your competition. Shiny things don’t only attract the eyes of women. 😉
3. Be Bold.
You only get what you really want. If you see a person you would like to get to know, you aren’t going to get to know them by sitting and playing on your phone. You have to “grow a pair of tits”, as Lily Allen would say, and approach them. For some, it takes slipping into a “character”, someone perhaps not timid like their usual self. For others, it takes a drink or two…or music…or meditation…or “motivation” (for the actors out there). Whatever it takes you to become assertive, do it! I guarantee after a while that your personality will change and assertiveness will become part of your nature. If you’re lucky, it will not only help your love life, but your career, your other passions and your meaningful relationships.
Boldness should permeate your wardrobe, your speech, your ability to make eye contact, your approach, your body language and your sense of adventure.
4. Play the field.
Go big or go home. You can’t be a Heartbreaker by focusing all your attention on one person. By definition, a Heartbreaker plays the field. Ideally, you should never date the same person more than once, but given reality, there will be those that you quite enjoy and want to take out for another test drive. You should always be on the lookout for new players to add to the fold. Keep an influx of new players and an outflux of retirees. Never go out or meet more than twice or feelings will begin to form, even in “Friends with Benefits” situations.
5. Keep him/her at bay and definitely make them work for it.
Being too available wreaks of desperation. And while I’m not a big proponent of playing games, being a Heartbreaker is unfortunately one of the times when it’s a necessary evil. Anything catchable is not worth having. Remain elusive. If he/she calls, give it a few days before calling back. Make tentative plans and don’t follow through. Don’t divulge the minutiae of your day, details about your personal life, your real social media information, information about your family or your past relationships. Your goal is to remain a woman of mystery, to give the impression that you have a life outside of him/her and that you have better things to do than sit by the phone or computer waiting for correspondence.
Better yet, don’t fake it! Get out there. Be on the prowl. Be experiencing new things, meeting new people, and living!
Put the onus on the other person to plan, organize and pay for the date. They should be trying to impress you rather than the other way around. Heartbreakers are in it merely for the fun, and all that planning and organizing takes too much energy.
6. Build them up.
It’s important to remain neutral in your emotional involvement, but the largest part of being a Heartbreaker is the actually breaking of the hearts.
While on dates, become “the ideal woman.” You must be able to morph into the characteristics they find most attractive. Learn as much as everything as you can because you never know when you might need it. For instance, if he’s into Baseball, you should be able to site enough information to gain some credibility. Learn some stats or player’s names. Or if you are more of a football girl, that’s okay too. It still shows an interest in sports without mimicking his interests exactly. You want to create the illusion that every interest they have is validated, is special and is shared. Great Heartbreakers scope this information out in the pre-date conversation. Being prepared will make the date less awkward.
Your goal is to become the “perfect girl” in the few hours you will spend with them. Like a salesperson, you have to have them believe you might just be “the one” so that when you walk away (no later than date #2), there is a real and stinging emotional let-down, a breaking of their heart.
7. And finally, Grow a thick skin.
Being a Heartbreaker is not to be taken lightly. It’s hard work. It’s emotionally disastrous if you aren’t in the right head space. And what may be fun at first, becomes empty quickly. It’s not a cure for loneliness, nor will you always be proud of yourself.
But try to at least have some fun while it lasts.
“My god! Why would anyone do such a risky thing?”
…Because being bad feels good.
Think about it. We all like to feel like we are doing something we shouldn’t. That adrenaline rush, the sneaking around…makes it so much hotter. Not to mention the fact that it definitely makes the work day go by so much faster and is more entertaining. If you have little flirtations and the possibility of something so out of the ordinary, it makes for wonderful mental imagery and gets your libido fired up. If you’re in between relationships, or in a bad one, Momma always said the best way to get over a man is to get under a new one.
Should you or shouldn’t you?
Well, I am here to tell you the pros and cons, and then you can make that decision for yourselves.
Everyone has had those initial feelings of lust and sexual attraction. Those make your heart race and mind wander to thoughts and scenarios that make you feel guilty or nervous.
It could be the Greek god-like golf club member who makes you feel like your vagina is throbbing so loud other people know what fantasy is in your mind when you watch him. And when he asks you to go into the locker room after closing up shop, you think, “My god. If I get caught, I will lose my job.” It could be your boss at the law firm, the chief engineer in your apartment building, or the chef in the restaurant where you work. That taboo can make any workplace seem so much more exciting. Giving someone head in front of the mirrored doors at the hotel you both work at or having sex on the work bench in the basement can be so exquisitely hot and hard and fast.
That being said, there are some pros and cons to doing the dirty deed where you earn your bread and butter. Sexual harassment is a very sticky situation. There are obviously complications if one or both of you are attached. If you break up a happy family, or tarnish your professional reputation, it could most definitely change your life. Sometimes we need a change, and we do things that make it happen so we do not have to make the choice. And other times, we just want to have a little fun.
Worst case scenario, you get caught on the pool table at the club, mid-stroke while he is attempting a trick shot with you in a compromising position…or under the bleachers at the stadium when one of you is supposed to be playing and the other is supposed to be working in the snack shop. That could be one humiliating scene you will never forget, but the person who catches you enjoys telling it over and over and over.
It can be so disappointing. If you have an encounter that turns out to be less then fulfilling, then you have to face this chef with the wiggly, pasta noodle penis every day at work, and you may start to really resent even the smallest things. Work-related comments may seem full of innuendo or take on new meaning.
Or if it is your boss, and he starts throwing spending money your way to go get new shoes, or sends you on errands that are demeaning, or in his worry to keep you from telling his wife, makes rude comments or smacks your ass as you walk up the stairs, or comments in front of clients that you are showing too much cleavage…you have now crossed into the uncomfortable zone.
Then there is the possibility of it developing into a habit, and then, feelings, and maybe you end up becoming a “couple.” How do you work together and not get caught? If you have a workplace code of conduct that restricts you from dating that client or a coworker, you may end up having to quit your job or move your business elsewhere.
What about feelings?
You could get your feelings hurt if you enjoy it and then the other person moves on to the next hot piece of ass. You have to know yourself well enough to know if it is going to be something you can actually handle.
If you can keep in mind that everything has an ending, it WILL end one way or the other, eventually. You will do the deed. It will be wham, bam, and no thank you, ma’am, because he is now filled with shame and remorse or worried he will get caught.
Or if he did not exactly ring the bell…like he so eloquently talked his game to make you think that sex on your desk after the school bell rings would be so hot, and you would be that badass teacher that everyone is hot for. Then you find out he has a wee-willy, winky dick, and it literally lasted less than two minutes. How do you face each other at recess duty?
Think this all through and decide if you really can keep your mouth shut to protect his family life. Or keep yourself from feeling like the realtor who would take one for the team to close a sale, that everyone in town talks about at the water cooler.
Sometimes you need to shake things up, and it can end up being one of the memories you look back on often and think, “My god. I did that?”. If you take the risk, and it works out, it may be something for you to think about when you are too old to get it up, but you can sure reminisce and have good stories to tell your grandchildren to throw them off their game, when they think they have invented sex, and have yet to realize that back in the day you were quite the looker and hot-to-trot.
Or you could be sitting there wondering if you HAD taken that chance, what would it have been like? Is this Greek Adonis really worth risking your livelihood over and taking that chance to find out if it is all you thought it may be?
Well it was for me, but now you decide for you.
by Kristie LeVangie
It never ceases to amaze me about the assumptions I get from people based on who I am and what I do.
“I heard you are a lesbian.”
“You have sex all day. What do you think?”
“Ask Kristie what that is. She knows all about that freaky sex shit.”
“So how do you successfully juggle multiple men?”
It took me some time to uncover where these assumptions were coming from. How did these assumptions get attributed to me? And what do I do about setting these people straight?
I’m a straight (but gay supporting) monogamous woman, who has the same relationship challenges and woes as other women. I may be more promiscuous than your average woman, but I’m not running amuck humping everything in sight.
Then…Like a grand epiphany, it dawned on me what was REALLY going on here.
There’s a theory in psychology called “filling in.” “The brain uses our surroundings to literally make up what we cannot see, covering the holes with its best guess as to what’s there,” explains The Weekly Show’s website. (If you follow the link to the website, there are some great visual exercises to help explain the phenomenon.)
I propose that this process of “filling in” is the same process we use in regards to social profiles.
Bear with me for a minute here…I’m about to get all psychological, philosophical and logical all up in this bitch.
Most of us have two “personas”: our true life one and our online/virtual one.
In most cases, it isn’t our intent to set up our online personas falsely. We pick the best or most interesting attributes about ourselves and publish them for the world to see. It would be impossible for us to include each and every detail about ourselves, and in an effort to make ourselves appear more happy, more confident, more secure with the public aspect of it, we omit our worst parts and craft a careful virtual image of ourselves for everyone to see.
It will never reflect our “true life” self, but in our eyes, it crafts the gist of “who” we are.
This part we can control.
What we can’t control is the “filling in” of our virtual friends, potential partners and, sometimes, as in my case, fans.
Perusers of our online profiles will have a natural inclination to take what they do know about us (the things we put out there in our profiles) and fill in the remaining details based on their assumptions, experiences or expectations of what information is missing.
For example, I post a lot of sexually-based news posts about freaky shit going on out there in the world. (Like this one.)
Now, I may not participate in any type of Looner play, but because I posted this article and even went so far as to research it, I’m automatically attributed an “expert” of fetish because that is what is filled in by my readers. Or for some, I’m just a downright freak.
This phenomenon especially plays out in the dating world when it comes to online profiles. The judgment is higher and acceptability among peers is more sensitive. This could explain the consistent disappointments of “they were nothing like their profile” so often reported by online daters. Perhaps the tendency to “fill in” based on our previous dating experience is even stronger, so we dupe ourselves by creating an even more distorted view of potential suitors.
(I will note that there are genuine liars and scammers out there. I am not addressing the deliberate misleading profiles here. Let’s assume I’m talking about the average Joe or Josephine.)
I haven’t seen any research on this phenomenon being applied to social media profiles, so this is really just my hypothesis. But I think it makes sense.
Does it to you?
by Kristie LeVangie
As if relationships weren’t complicated enough, enter social media.
Sure, it’s all great when you are fresh and in love. You share lovie-dovie status updates and cutesy pics. You sext one another or even go as far as sending nudie videos.
And then, it all goes to hell in a handbasket.
The least of your worries is the embarrassing status updates proving your love detector is completely fucking broken. He now has those pics of your boobs and that drunken night of uninhibited passion saved to his smartphone.
Sure. You can unfollow him on Twitter. You can block or unfriend him on Facebook, but it’s a small virtual world and we live in an era of being “ex”-obsessed!
In a survey done by YourTango about love and relationships, 76% of women and 70% of men admitted to looking up their exes on the internet. With all the “ex” stalking, there are bound to be some temptations to cultivate a “revengenda.”
According to another study, the 2013 Love, Relationships, and Technology survey, 50% of people have shared personal or intimate images and/or videos with loved ones or friends. 28% of whom have regretted sending such content post-relationship, and 32% have gone as far as asking their ex-partner to delete the material. This same study found that 1 in 10 people have been threatened by their ex that their risqué images would be posted online with nearly 60% of these threats being carried out.
So how does one protect oneself in an age of social media oversharing?
That’s right. They aren’t just for marriages anymore.
Social Media prenups are on the rise according to both Time magazine and ABC News. ABC even notes that 80% of divorce attorneys say they are finding the issue more common in current divorce proceedings.
So how does it work? Most of them are actually pretty simple. You both agree to a set of terms (i.e., like not posting suggestive pictures online after the break-up), and should one of you violate the terms, you pay up. Sometimes to the tune of $50,000!!!
Each prenup seems to be unique to each couple and attempts to cover their esteem issues with online posting. For example, some may restrict unflattering photos while others will restrict contact with ex-girlfriends. It’s really all subjective, but ultimately meant to protect both parties from unfair social media practices after you have split paths.
Luckily there are laws in place to prevent jealous exes from spreading your captured carnal moments all over the web, but only if you live in Alaska, Arizona, California, Colorado, Georgia, Maryland, New Jersey, Idaho, Utah, Virginia or Wisconsin. These are the 9 states with statutes against Revenge Porn or the posting of “identifiable nude pictures of someone else online without permission with the intent to cause emotional distress or humiliation.” Granted this offense is only a misdemeanor carrying a punishment of up to six months in jail and a $1,000 fine.
There is clearly more work to be done.
And while I couldn’t find any examples of an actual contract, I pondered to myself what might appear on my own (should I ever decide I need one…that’s another blog entirely):
1. No posting pictures without my explicit consent.
2. No exchanging of romantic gestures or deeply intimate details about our relationship with members of any gender.
3. No hiding of your social media profiles from my view. I might think you are hiding something. I’m not asking for your passwords– only the ability to view your profile without restriction.
4. You must fly your Facebook relationship flag high, complete with a tag to my profile so I can mark my territory. And no “It’s complicated” bullshit.
5. No public complaints about the relationship or my participation in such…unless it’s in a cleverly disguised blog under an assumed name.
6. After the break-up, you can stalk my pages as much as you want, but don’t attempt to contact me in any form or fashion. You cannot “like” my statuses or respond to my blogs.
7. After the break-up, you should delete all pictures of an intimate nature, all sexting strings, all digital homemade porn, and any provocative emails sent to you throughout the relationship.
8. After the break-up, you should post one last blog declaring your un-dying appreciation for me and how I made you a better person just by knowing me. Oh! And how the sex was the best sex of your life and something you will never find with another.
Hey! It’s my list.
What would YOUR social media prenup include? Have a horror story about a previous break-up? Share your thoughts below.
EDITOR’S NOTE: NPR also did a story on All Things Considered about social media prenups. If you are interested in listening to the story, you can click here.
by Kristie LeVangie
Hello, my readers. I’ve decided to write this blog after reviewing one of the most asinine lists I’ve found to date out there on the interweb. Since I deal a lot with the communication issues between men and women in my blogs, I found it only fitting to take on this week’s list and address some of those issues.
Today’s list comes to us from www.askmen.com. The site boasts over 5 million readers a month and personally I am very scared right now. While the writing is quippy and delightfully comical, the content and ideology explain a lot about why men and women have so much trouble in relationships. Let’s discuss the list that inspired this blog; shall we?
Top 10: Ways to Render Her Powerless by Ryan Murphy (I tried to link to it but the link wants to keep taking us to the new postings page on the site, so you may have to do some quick research to find the actual link.)
The #10 way to render her powerless is to purchase Us Weekly or People Magazine and keep it on the coffee table. Women love to gossip and knowing “Beyonce enjoys riding the subway” is apparently a surefire way to capture her attention.
Are you freaking kidding me? If I was dating someone and saw Us Weekly sitting proudly displayed in their living room, I’m not going to lie. I think I might assume you are gay. The gay and fabulous show interest in runway and celebs– not the typical man.
In fact, I would probably walk out at that minute, discouraged by the fact that you would pay almost $5 on a piece of crap. You want to impress a girl, have a copy of Forbes, National Geographic or Psychology Today thrown on the table. Wrinkle the pages and make me think you actually have a brain. Us Weekly, really?
On to the #9 way to render her powerless:
Ryan goes on to suggest that no woman can resist the movie Dirty Dancing. And if that doesn’t suit your fancy, you can choose another “melodramatic movie that contains excessive dialogue and soundtracks” like The Notebook, Beaches, or Breakfast at Tiffany’s.
Okay, I can’t argue that The Notebook doesn’t get me every time. It’s a great movie, but I’m sure as hell not intentionally watching it with a guy I’m dating. These are the movies that girls watch together or alone. We don’t share that whimpering vulnerability with men, unless we’ve been with you a while…or it’s some kind of wickedly intentioned test we are submitting you to.
Besides, most girls I know would enjoy an action, blow-‘em-up movie just the same. I think we all crave “gratuitous nudity and explosions” once in a while.
Okay, on to #8:
Apparently, another media item that will sap the power from females is “These Boots Are Made for Walking” by Nancy Sinatra. Other suggestions include Cyndi Lauper’s “Girls Just Want to Have Fun,” Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” and Marc Cohn’s “Walking in Memphis.”
Who even listens to these songs anymore? And I don’t know about you, but none of the songs listed are really good to dance too. Unless you are drunk, in which case who needs the music? (Um, why didn’t alcohol make the list? I wonder.)
#7 – Drum roll please….
According to Ryan, the next step to rendering a girl powerless is to tan. That’s right. Tanning. Apparently all women “need the sun” and so should men to meet them.
I can’t escape the fact that when I think “tan,” I think George Hamilton– who, while still white, was a very attractive older man.
Now? There’s nothing sexy about wrinkled leather. I can’t recall ever—and I do mean EVER—looking at man and thinking, “Check out that tan!”
And no matter how much color you have, it will never supply you with substance. Brains over brawn. Which brings us to #6…
We all know that no relationship is going anywhere unless we can talk to one another. Communication is key. Although our quippy little author Ray would have you believe that women are quite the Chatty Cathy’s. Apparently we talk constantly and by doing so as well, you can overpower us and cause a tidal wave of swooning.
NOT! If you don’t have anything interesting to say, shut the fuck up! That’s right. Women live in a society where communication primarily falls on them. We are required to make appointments, attend parent-teacher conferences, hobnob at corporate parties, and listen to ranting hairdressers. Keep the conversation interesting. Inspire us with a new point of view. But do not talk just to talk. I get that enough from the women around me. Of the men I know that talk about every detail of everything that goes on in their days, I would much rather turn on the tube and watch CNN or poke my eye out with a toothpick than listen to how a carburetor had to go back to AutoZone three times.
But you know Conversation isn’t enough, according to #5, we should be trash-talking one another. According to www.askmen.com, women enjoy verbally battering everyone from “their mouth-breathing boss to the best friend they secretly hate.”
You know that that’s what’s missing. I love those dates where you end up bashing former lovers, relatives, co-workers and friends just for the entertainment of others. I’m not even dignifying this petty one with wit.
# 4 states that women LOVE relationship analysis. We love Dr. Phil because that is what he does. And while the boyfriend is deciding on his fantasy football picks, we are researching his commitment phobia.
Give me a break! How many of us have time for this shit? I actually have a very full life. How would I even have time to worry why he didn’t hug me before I left this morning? Who cares?
If we have problems, be a man and tell me. Otherwise, get your shit done for the day (just like I am) so when the sun falls, you can meet me in the bedroom free to focus on one thing.
And if all else fails, go for #3: The Bachelor.
Apparently (news to me) all women love to watch The Bachelor. Ryan goes on to mention, “Where else can they experience a world where everyone lives in mansions, first dates involve transatlantic flights to Paris and women get rejected with a single red rose?”
Hello!!! Soap operas? Barbie? Disney fairytales? At our age, not only do we realize that fantasy is fantasy, we are so inundated with this crap that we are completely appreciative to see the toilet seat down, you in clean underwear, or your suggestion that tonight “it’s Wendy’s.”
At the very least, most women watch this shit to make fun of it. Probably much in the same reason we look at Us Weekly!
Number 2 on their list is Bath Baskets.
Okay, women. Take note. Diamonds are out and bath baskets are in! Try wearing that to show your friends. According to the AskMen writer, women “adore manicures, pedicures, and dainty little bath baskets” which men “have no need for.”
What women REALLY enjoy is pampering. And please spare me. If you are going to shove a bath basket at me and expect me to entertain myself, you are sorrowfully mistaken.
If you aren’t willing to expend the energy or take the opportunity to suds me up, forget about touching me later. Better yet, just hand over the money you would have used on the purchase, and I’ll entertain myself for a while.
And finally, the #1 way to render a woman powerless is…okay, don’t laugh…
Photo albums. That’s right. Apparently photo albums are the aphrodisiacs of all aphrodisiacs.
Forget the oysters, the mushrooms, the cologne. Throw together a photo montage of anything you want, and you are golden. Better yet, ask to see her “exhaustive collections,” and you can skip the entire courtship.
I find this one particularly hilarious as ALL the women I know are so disorganized when it comes to photos. I myself have a bin of photos collected over the years that sits in my closet collecting dust. I pull them out once in a while when the kids have art projects that require photos of them as babies, but my photos never see the light of day otherwise.
I’m done with this ridiculousness. Render me powerless in the bedroom and leave the games there too. I have no use for them on the other side of the door.
Check back to see what ridiculous list I take on next, but for now…I’m out. Gotta go organize those photos.
Things grown single women should have in a backpack or trunk of their car
(a.k.a. the one-night stand survival kit)
How many times has it happened to you? You were feeling his mojo, picking up what he was laying down, and ended up going home with him. Instead of doing the “walk of shame” the next morning in last night’s clothes, think ahead and approach the situation with a little confidence…oh, and preparation.
- MOST IMPORTANTLY!!! Condoms! Obviously, you are a grown woman and have been single for more than a minute. Sexual health should always come first!
- Lube. Hey, you are already committed to the dirty deed. Might as well make it fun for everyone involved.
- Toothbrush, toothpaste, mouthwash, and those damned addictive tooth floss picks. I mean flossing got Richard Gear in Pretty Woman.
- Deodorant. If it’s done right, you’re going to be putting a little physical effort in. Don’t want to smell like it too.
- Makeup touch-up kit, including concealer; mascara; lipstick; powder; small hotel shampoo, conditioner and lotions; perfume of some type, tampons/pads, baby wipes, and a shaver. You obviously don’t want to “look” how you “feel” after a turbulent night of wild abandon.
- Bobby pins. A quick messy bun can hide a multitude of “bed head” issues. In most cases you can’t take a shower and wash your hair at his place, and you may not have time to run home before stumbling into work.
- Energy drink and junk food. Candy, especially mints, never hurt.
- Phone charger. We’re in the modern tech age. You never want to be without your phone. It contains your entire life.
- Underwear and backup outfit. This is not just for hooking up. I actually keep coveralls AND boots in my trunk. You just never know when you’re going to end up stranded on the side of the highway. And did I mention that a skirt and high heels is not very fun in the snow bank? Although it IS fun for your boss to watch you hop out of the car while wearing said skirt, but I digress.
- I also keep a Pocket/Swiss Army knife on my keyring.
- Small instant coffee packets. Good luck getting one-night-stand Starbuck’s love from the random stranger or ex co-worker. And if it’s your preference, throw in some shelf-stable creamers as well.
- Mace. A pocket-sized dose of mace will ensure that should it come down to “No means No”, he really gets it. This is only to be used in absolute need.
So there you go– your best bet to be prepared. Now go have some fun, be happy, and be more alert in the morning while scrambling to get your walk of shame as dignified looking as possible.
But heed my warning. If you lock your keys in your car, or decide to let him drive you back to his place because you drank too much and you leave your bag in your car…this is really not going to help you very much. Now, is it?
Do as I say, not as I do. Right?
Hey, I’m the one out here taking the bullets.
Just trying to help a sister out.