relationships

How I Pulled Off a Surprise Wedding

This Valentine’s Day I married my white knight. When we started posting on social media, our friends and distant family were shocked. You see…no one knew this was coming…especially THE GROOM!

This blog tells our story.

Wrecker and I have been together for almost five years now. Both of us came from some pretty shitty romantic circumstances and were ripe for emotional attachment. This was the first relationship I had that started with complete brutal honesty and a well-developed friendship. He knew early on marriage was in our future, and he has been asking me for the last 4 years to become his wife. I was a bit more skeptical about love, having been burnt so many times before, and I kept signing him to 2-year contracts with an option to walk away if we found it was no longer working for us. (See. Brutal honesty.)

But around October of last year, I came around. I realized that our partnership was for keeps. He makes me a better person and complements me in so many ways that I would be dumb not to grab on to him and hold on tight. It came to me in an epiphany that I had THE perfect opportunity to pull off the most rarest of occasions: a SURPRISE wedding. I mean how many people have the opportunity to do that???

…And he would never suspect it happening on Valentine’s Day given my tenuous relationship with all things love.

To set up the scenario, I had asked him in early January to take Valentine’s Day off of work because I had big date night V-day plans, and he would get info on a need-to-know basis. (I have pulled off many a surprise in the past, so this was not out of the ordinary as far as he was concerned.)

The first and most important thing I needed to address was the license, so in early January I started suggesting a late February elopement. (You see this is marriage #3 for both of us, so formality was already out the window.)  And as he struggled with the idea of leaving our parents and children out, I already knew the plan was to include them all.

Throughout January, I was compiling all the things that make a wedding a wedding. I found the dress, made the bouquet, located the perfect decorations, bought baking supplies, and planned out the timeline to each detail. I created a Private Facebook event where I was feeding information to our clan.

I was also strategically feigning concern over the details of our supposed Feb. 25th elopement, but asked him if we could put off thinking about it until after his Feb. 14th date night surprise. Make no mistake here, I deserve this year’s Oscar.

Before I knew it, Valentine’s Day had arrived, and here is how it all unfolded.

Early on Valentine’s Day, we headed out to get our marriage license. We were the second couple that day. Yay, love.

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16728995_1371349416258702_168580446772077979_n.jpgSo by 10 A.M., legal paperwork in hand, I wanted to avert any suspicion of evening plans, and we grabbed a romantic breakfast at our favorite chain, First Watch. After breakfast, we stopped to get him a fresh haircut and to exchange our outdated Time Warner modem for something more this century. (As he sat giddily telling the hairdresser about the mystery evening, I bore my eyes intently into my phone and tried to keep from smiling and blowing the entire plan. If only she had known…)

In fact, the entire morning I had to keep reminding myself to breathe. You may not be able to tell from this pic, but my insides were quaking, and I feared any slight slip-up that would ruin the surprise.

After our errands, we returned home where my parents were supposed to call with a distraction (i.e., a favor) in the late afternoon.

Around 2 P.M., my mom asks me to call her via text. (Remember, she is supposed to call us.) She wants to know if they are supposed to call at 3 or if they are supposed to keep him distracted until 3. (Oh, moms…lol)

The plan she says is to say that dad “may” need help cutting a limb down out of the tree, and that they would call him to come help. Minutes go by. More minutes go by, and no call back to his phone. I’m getting antsy.

“Maybe you should call Mom and see if Dad needs help,” I suggest. “I’m a little worried he may hurt himself. Mom didn’t sound too good.”

He calls, and Mom confirms they need him. “We’ll be right there,” he says before hanging up.

I lower my eyes. “Well actually…I forgot something for our date tonight and need to make a run to the store before I start getting ready. You got this?” I look up as straight-faced as I can muster.

“Sure. Trying to get rid of me,” he says as he leaves. Am I busted??? I panic, but realize I have no time. I have a wedding to throw.

I wake the youngest (my cohort in this shenanigan) as she worked the night shift. “IT’S GO TIME!!!” I shout. “WE HAVE A WEDDING TO THROW!”

As she gets ready, I run to the basement refrigerator where the cake and cupcakes I baked just days before were ready for transport.

I run to the second floor for the helium tank and our clothing for the ceremony and Day After.

The rest is in the car and has been all day. He had no clue as we drove to get the license and ran about our errands.

After the car is packed, I return to the Master bedroom where I lay out his attire for the evening along with a few clue cards I had prepped the day before.

I slip Clue #2 into his pant’s pocket.

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It reads:

By the way, I love you for who you are and who you will become.

Today is a trail of clues. Feel free to take pictures along the way and share them with our friends. The end of the trail is where it all begins.

K–

I place his pants inside his jacket, arrange the rest of his attire and place Clue #1 on top.

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It read:

You know how I love a good surprise. Now take your time, get ready to shine, and meet me at Hueston Woods Lodge at 6:30 P.M. sharp.

NO SOONER, NO LATER.

Check in at the front desk.

K–

Here’s a photo from his perspective:

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Meanwhile…out at Hueston Woods Lodge…

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Two girls were having a quick celebratory drink,

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Or two…

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at an impromptu Bachelorette party.

Then, while she practiced the song I asked her to play for our ceremony, I was decorating the Honeymoon Suite for the anticipated “consummation.” (wink wink)

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The giant card I got at Walmart, the pillow at Charming Charlie’s and the rose petals from Amazon.

 

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I made the cake beforehand and added the edible red rose accents I got at Michaels once it was set up. The champagne flutes also came from Michaels, the champagne to fill them from Kroger, and the cake topper was personalized from a merchant on eBay. The adornments under the cake stand are ones I brought from home and came from his Valentine’s Day present from last year.

Soon after the room was set up, I began to dress while the photographer friend of the family we know, Thomissia Robinson, snapped some of these great setting-inspired shots.

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As the sun set on the evening,

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My crew of accomplices (a.k.a., our families) began to arrive.

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The Fireside Room needed very little decoration with the wide open view of lake and the large fireplace that was already lit and setting the evening’s mood.

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We just added a little fireside decoration,

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some last minute touches,

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And the scene was set.

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To a table on the side of the room, we welcomed guests and displayed the cupcakes and champagne for post-ceremony celebration.

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On two of the chairs, we framed pictures of those not able to be with us. My biological father is on the left, and his father is on the right.

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As the rest of the families arrived, there was nothing to do but wait…

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and wait…

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And wait…

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And, hey– you guessed it…

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You see we were waiting for him to arrive, check in at that front desk and receive this last clue, which read:

So they welcomed you in, but you now must descend down the spiral staircase behind you.

Come meet me at FOREVER.

K–

Every movement at the top of stairs caused my heart to leap.

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And then finally…

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What’s that in his hand you ask? My Valentine’s Day card he was going to give me over dinner.

“No, you didn’t.” was all he kept repeating.

(The card was beautiful by the way.)

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After some boutonnièrage

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(As a side note: I must confess that I had to call in for backup on this one. I was shaking from nervous energy and my fingers won’t do what I wanted them to. Thanks to my bro for coming in for the save.)

and a quick kiss,

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I walked him around to where our families were ready to greet him. This even included a surprise for us both as his oldest daughter had flown his son in, who resides in Florida, for the ceremony.

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My youngest daughter opened it with an acoustic version of Meghan Trainor’s “Like I’m Going to Lose You,” and we were wed by our officiant, B.J. Stahl. For those of you lucky enough to know her…well, how lucky are we??? Ironically, she is also my ex mother-in-law and remains still one of my closest friends.

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She greeted us all with a beautiful and meaningful opening statement. We exchanged our vows (which involved cardboard boxes and a zombie apocalypse), placed rings upon one another’s hands,

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his youngest daughter read the poem, “Love” by Roy Croft, where I clearly lost it,

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and oh yeah, you remember that 2-year contract that kept being renewed??

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We tore that sucker up!

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A first kiss as husband and wife,

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and we were wed. The thing was done.

After the ceremony, we took pictures with our parents (his by my side and mine by his),

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our seven children and six grandchildren (one was still in Florida…boo!),

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and our officiant.

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With the short ceremony over, we moved over to celebrate with champagne/”kid wine” toasts and cupcakes.

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My Dad surprised us with a touching speech about how he loved seeing me happier than I had ever been, and he welcomed his new son “officially”– although those two have one of the strongest bro-mances I have ever personally witnessed, and I think this welcoming occurred at the first time they met, or at least when Dad lended him his first tool.

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Wrecker’s Mom followed suit welcoming me into their family officially,

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and then my brother,

and then his youngest daughter.

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She talked about how when her mom died all that everyone wanted was for her Dad to find happiness again. It wasn’t until I came along that they saw him smile. Of course, I  became the tear-filled bride at such a touching moment.

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It was a day of extreme highs filled with honest emotion, and the occasion was true perfection. We were so happy to be surrounded by the love and support of our family and touched that everyone could be there to share it with us.

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There was one last step however before we were truly “official,” so we sat down to finish the formalities.

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Then some more serious photos,

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and some not-so-serious ones…

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After the ceremony, I had made reservations for the special Valentine’s menu at the Lodge’s restaurant and reserved a King Suite for the night for our honeymoon.

Over dinner, we had several couples come up to congratulate us. They had been watching the ceremony from the balcony apparently, and many were there on their own anniversaries celebrating their own Valentine’s Day marriages so many years ago. One couple even bought us some chocolate-covered strawberries. (If you are reading this, we truly appreciated your gesture of generosity.)

For us, this love story has only just begun. We can only hope it will be as full of surprises as its beginning, and we hope that all of you find happiness like we’ve found.

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Is Keeping Your Cookie in the Jar Unrealistic?

Laura Wize Cookie

I am on strike and it’s nothing new. When I am single I usually do not partake in casual sex. Honestly it’s a bunch of effort creating a false sense of intimacy with a guy, so we can have real sex.  Creating false trust with a man is like watching sand fall through an hourglass, it’s just a matter of time before something shady goes down.

I read Glamazon Tyomi’s article on ebony.com Sex Before Commitmet or Nah? She took a poll to determine if abstinence is the path to marriage or if we are fooling ourselves. The vast majority 62.5% felt it didn’t effect their chances of a long term relationship.

I know couples who had sex within the first few dates who eventually got married. That being said I don’t have a great deal of married friends. I think the way society is set up it doesn’t matter if you wait or sleep with someone new every night you can end up being the same amount of single.

There is no magical set of actions that will make you un-single, but what if abstinence became a filter? A way to weed out the worthy and the unworthy and the process of locating the worthy became more diligent. This concept would only be valid to ladies who desire commitment. (because I am not anti-sex in any way)

What if, the thing that is really keeping you from being in a committed relationship is you are trying to make relationships out of great sex? People can say what they want but for women sex can often create emotional attachments. You can say with your mouth that this isn’t serious but after you’ve been intimate with someone the lines get blurred. In all honesty the only time sex is truly crystal clear is when it’s bad.

These are my four reasons to “Keep Your Cookie in the Jar”

Hi, have we dated?

Dating is an endangered species. I know at least three couples in real life who never went on a date until they officially became boyfriend and girlfriend. Stop falling for the “Netflix and chill” it gives the man too much opportunity to get you comfortable.

Make him date you by making a suggestion for an short activity in public. You can take a walk, get an ice cream, or grab a coffee. If he isn’t down for any of your suggestions you can forget to text him back. You have your own Netflix subscription and you can chill alone. Your cookie shouldn’t even leave it’s air tight container if you have no level of friendship and a man who won’t date you is a stranger.

5 Dates Ain’t Enough

If you are lucky enough to meet someone who will date you and take you on more than one date, rejoice. After you have done your private happy dance don’t ease up just yet. The choice not to have sex is not malicious you just really want to make sure that the presenter and the man are one.

Most men know the deal and know just how long they need to be on their best behavior. Don’t be a shrinking violet. Men are not afraid to let women down when it comes to their expectations. I am not suggesting that Mr. Wonderful isn’t all that he says he is but wouldn’t it be nice to be sure.

Stop Getting into Sexuationships

If you are over the age of 25 you are too old to be friends with benefits. If you think having sex with someone and quietly keeping your feelings to yourself is healthy, grow up. Why are you giving a Section 8 Voucher to your Park Avenue pent house.

If it’s sex then let it be sex but don’t be friends. I understand women have needs but potential friends with benefits just take up space. FWB is a form of settling and you settle with bill collectors not in relationships. Why waste time when you can keep the cookie in the jar.

Maybe I belong in the natural history museum for even suggesting to millennial woman not to have sex. I just feel if you’ve had it before what’s the rush? Especially if you desire to find someone who will last beyond a moment. Sex can cloud compatibility and a torrid affair is passionate but it only lasts for so long. Once again I am not anti sex keep the lines of communication open. I’m just suggesting knowing a person a little better before getting kinky.

Don’t get sad, get free!!

I read a woman’s Facebook status where she stated she wished she could un-have sex with someone. My immediate first thought was stop having sex with people. That thought wasn’t judgemental it was real. If you’re not having sex you don’t have these awkward moments with men after they reveal their true selves.

You can’t control when you will meet Mr. Right. You can control what you do and do not give Mr. Wrong. Nothing feels better than that sigh of relief “Thank God, I didn’t sleep with that jerk!”

Once again, I could be the cave woman preaching to the millennial. At some point you have to ask yourself is the road to commitment one of choice or chance? Should you leave no stone left unturned? In my case I plan on letting the rolling stones pass me by. Some heartbreak is inevitable and some is excessive.

The beautiful sex organ is between your ears and not your legs-She’s Gotta Have It

For more Oh Wize One be sure to  follow her on Facebook at OhWize One, Instagram@ohwizeone, twitter @ohwize1. Remember to share the wisdom with friends!!

 

Source: Is Keeping Your Cookie in the Jar Unrealistic?

Dirty, Sexy, Monogamy: Scott and Laura’s Infinite Playlist

 by Laura Wize

Dating in your twenties teaches you to adjust your expectations…or at least it did with my experience. It taught me all the things that I didn’t want to continue in my thirties. I also had really awesome, scandalous, dirty, hot sex.

It’s true, and I can’t deny it.

I described myself much like Julia Roberts described herself in Pretty Woman— “A bum magnet. If there was bum within a file mile radius, he was mine”.

Strangely enough, some of the best sex I ever had was with those bums.

My twenties are coming to a close, and I finally found a great guy, Scott, who is not a bum. We’re in love and planning our future together. So what is wrong with me having a great guy? Nothing is wrong; I just had the expectation that we would be having this life-altering sex.

Don’t misunderstand.  We have good sex. I just want more.

If I plan on potentially marrying him, then it was on me to admit I needed more.

I got frustrated at the thought of even bringing up the topic.

I even began to wonder why is good sex attached to bad people. I always thought that when the stars magically aligned themselves, everything would be perfect.

Well, we had “the conversation,” and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. The conversation went something like this:

Me: I want to write about sex, but I feel like it will make you uncomfortable.

Scott: Why would it make me uncomfortable? You write about sex all the time.

Me: ‘Cause it’s about our sex life.

Scott: What you are you going to say?

Me: It will be about how to have a better sex life with your partner, and I’m my own test dummy. It’s not that it’s bad; it could just be better.

Scott: What will we do to make it better?

Me: Well I have some exercises in mind, books to read, and maybe go to an adult store.

The possibility of a trip to the Hustler store put him on the road to happiness, and I got his full consent as a test dummy. The thing you need to understand about Scott and I…we are total opposites.

I am upbeat, and he is a realist. My favorite movie is Moonstruck, and his is Last of the Mohicans.

I also think we have two different expectations of what should happen in the bedroom.

music_is_my_boyfriend_by_klamczuchaOur first small step towards understanding and big step towards multiple orgasms is Scott and Laura’s infinite playlist. We both love music, and I personally believe that what you listen to says everything about who you are and what you want. I think once we hear what the other person wants, it will make it easier to know what works for them. I asked him to come up with a playlist of five songs to describe what his ideal sexual experience is, and I would do the same.

Scott asked, “What if they are all raunchy songs?”

I just laughed and thought, “That will explain a lot.”

The playlist theory is to further explore each other’s unconscious needs. The things we want to describe but can’t because it is too hard.

Sexual expectations are similar to having an island mentality: you aren’t aware of what is happening in other places because, hell, you live in paradise.

I wanted to get a mutual understanding of our latitude and longitude as a couple.

Scott’s List:

  • Kelly- Sex Me
  • Teddy Pendergrass- Close the Door
  • Johnny Gill – Love in an Elevator
  • Eric Benet- Chocolate Legs
  • Silk- Freak Me

Laura’s List:

  • Maxwell- Sumthin Sumthin – Mello Smooth Mix
  • Raheem Devaugn- Garden of Love
  • Prince- Scandalous
  • Nine Inch Nails- Closer
  • Joe- Love Scene

After listening to Scott’s playlist, I came to the conclusion that he is eager to please his partner. He thinks of sex as a private intimate act that he wants to share with someone special.

Overall, the exercise was like reading the opposing team’s playbook– only in this case cheating is totally acceptable.

I think he liked it too.

And I think you have to be willing to make the sex in your relationship what you want.

As for Scott and I, only time can tell if our infinite playlist will get us from good to explosive. I feel like admitting we had a problem was the first step, and we’re better already.

Liv’n The Single Life: Five Reasons I Hate Relationships

Liv 'n The Single Life

 

I go back and forth on relationships.  There are times when I’m not in one– which has been the majority of my life– that I long for someone to talk to, someone to cuddle with, and a consistent sex partner.

But when I’m in one…there are days I can’t stand one more minute of incessant questioning, obligatory pet names, and routine hand holding.

Relationships kill passion, or at least that’s been my experience.  I think those stories of long-lasting lovers are urban myths more than anyone’s reality.

In my relationships, the man always ultimately loses himself.  I end up making all the decisions, and I lose what spontaneity I need to feel challenged and surprised.  I grow bored. He feels lost, and it ultimately leads to failure.

The top 5 reasons I hate relationships:

1.) ‘I love you’s become routine rather than any expression of feeling.  They’re mere greetings of comings and goings.

2.) Both of you stop caring about your appearances.  You become a rain forest of leg hair, and he goes days without bathing.

3.) Anything becomes a reason NOT to have sex.  “It’s late.” “I’m too full.” “I’m just too tired.”

4.) You tell each other everything, and you start to tune one another out in your boredom of it all.

5.) Time alone is a rare and delightful gift.  When you are always together, you become smothered.

I only have to look at this list to remind myself why I would rather microwave dinners than share my bed with his toenail clippings.

Customer Service: Getting It Right

by Kristie LeVangie

When we, as consumers, purchase an item, whether big or small, we expect it to be of decent quality, delivered in a timely manner, and should something not meet our expectations, be no-hassle, returnable.  This is the very premise of the customer-retailer relationship.

…Or so I thought.

I recently had 2 very different experiences with customer service that exemplified in juxtaposition the “right” and “wrong” way to handle consumer complaints.

1.  Kohl’s

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Last Sunday, I bought a Croft & Barrow laptop bag.  It sat unused for a few days because I was too tired and too busy to switch over the contents from my previous bag.  But Tuesday night, I emptied out my MacBook Pro, a 7-page questionnaire, my mouse, power adaptor and a few pens.

Thursday night, I saw one of the decorative loops sitting on the carpet by where my bag was placed when I got home from work.  Upon further examination, the straps had begun to come off.  One strap on each side, actually.

This was just unacceptable, from a quality perspective, and I emptied out the meager contents, found my receipt, and wondered how Kohl’s was going to handle my complaint since tags had been removed and the bag had been gently used.

Friday after work, I went into Kohl’s with bag, detached loop and receipt.  I was greeted in a friendly manner, given a sympathetic apology, and credited the amount for the bag back onto my Kohl’s card.  I was leaving the store a very satisfied girl in less than 5 minutes.

Easy, peasy.  My dedication to Kohl’s strengthened even further by the experience.

RIGHT!

 

2. h.h. gregg

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About a month ago, we wondered into an h.h. gregg store and found ourselves perusing the refrigerator section in search of a new refrigerator.  We were approached by a very nice salesman who really impressed us with his knowledge of the brands and features on each floor model.  After finding a scratch-and-dent markdown of a $3400 top of the line French door stainless steel fridge, we applied for a credit line and then added on a front loader washer and dryer.  Why the hell not, right?

The salesman insisted we purchase the pedestals to go with them even though we didn’t really feel a need for them.  And finding out they were conveniently “just put on sale” (in our heads = a discount to close the deal), we finally gave in and went home happy to await our Saturday delivery.

Friday before delivery: 

The delivery manager called to tell us that the pedestals were out of stock.  He asked if we would prefer to wait for our delivery or have the appliances delivered, and they would schedule another delivery for the pedestals once they were off backorder.

We said, “Bring on the new appliances.  No problem.”

Saturday:

Delivery went well.  The guys were nice, didn’t wreck the house, and surprise!  They had a pedestal.

Oh…wait…

No, they didn’t.  It was BROKEN!

Apparently, they made a note that we did not get the pedestal and told us we would get a call when both pedestals were available.

Saturday night:

I got an automated call saying we were getting a delivery within the 3-hour window on Sunday.

Come to find out, after pressing “0” to talk to a human, they were going to deliver a pedestal the following day.

Oh…wait…

No, they weren’t.  They were not even in stock.

Sunday: 

Another automated message.

They weren’t in stock.

 

Let’s fast forward a bit with automated messages coming periodically.

 

Two weeks ago:

Guess what?  ANOTHER automated message.  Press “0”.

This time we are told they have 1 pedestal ready for delivery.

One.

I let the boyfriend handle it.

He tells them, “No.  We said not to deliver them until there were 2.”

After a few minutes of trying to explain we never got the original one since it was broken, I yell out in frustration.

“Tell them to cancel it and return our money!  I’m through!”

Come to find out…they sure take your money right away, but to get it back as a refund…7 to 10 days!

 

Last Friday:

Still no refund.

Go to the store to face this head on.

The manager had to call over another employee to look up our info.  Apparently, they don’t teach the managers to use the computer systems…even for simple tasks.

We are told the refund should be coming in the next few days.

 

Current status:

The refund was finally credited to our card.

WRONG!

 

Evaluation:

If the end game as a retailer is “the sale”, then h.h. gregg has done a good job.  The pre-sales experience was really good.  The salesman was friendly, knowledgable about the products, and made the experience easy.

Then, as is so typical with a lot of retailers, after they have your money, they no longer care.  Our post-sales experience with h.h. gregg was so horrible and frustrating that not only will I never go back, I’m going to go out of my way to deter ANYONE and EVERYONE from shopping there EVER!  This blog is just another way to share my story with others and warn them before they too find themselves in a fiasco over pedestals.

Not only did h.h. gregg lose my pedestal business, they have lost my future business.  And I already know that I will need a new stove and dishwasher to match the new fridge.

Guess where I’ll be going?

I can tell you where I won’t be.

Kohl’s, on the other hand, has my business for life.  I know that they stand by their products and really care about the customer experience.  They apologized on behalf of the product manufacturer.  They couldn’t really predict that the bag would fall apart after just a few uses, and yet they sympathized with my situation and offered an immediate resolution.

As a business owner, I tend to lean toward the Kohl’s approach.  It’s quite frankly the only way to ensure long-term customer retention and organic growth.

h.h. gregg will just be another company who put too much investment into training and not enough investment in its consumers.

Caveat emptor!

Mistress Elle: How to Be a Heartbreaker

That’s right.  It’s time for your session with Mistress Elle.Elle

Mistresses operate best giving instructions.  😉

It’s easy.

1.  You submit your questions to mistress_elle@libidacoria.com.

2.  I share my googled research, sage advice, years of experience, and deliver it to you in one sarcastically biting blog.

Now…I’m going to let this song start to explain today’s question from Newfound Freedom in Seattle.

Dear Mistress,

I’ve recently gone through a divorce and find myself single after a 17-year marriage.  I’ve spent years wondering what it would be like to play the field, but only now am I truly able to attempt it.  I fantasize about being the Heartbreaker I was never able to become.  Trouble is…I have no idea where to begin.  I got married right out of high school and have only ever been with my ex-husband.  Help a girl out.  Where do I start?

Yours truly,

Newfound Freedom

Seattle, WA

Newfound Freedom,

The first thing a girl needs to do is understand the rules; hence, my Marina and the Diamonds intro.

1.  Do You!

The first rule and underlying philosophy of being a Heartbreaker is: It’s all about you.  You need to turn off your need to please.  Turn off your sympathy.  Turn off your empathy.  Turn off your desire to please….except when it comes to yourself.  “Doing you” is about satisfying your urges, your needs, your desires and your amusement.  It’s harder than it might seem.  I think we all have a natural inclination to feel for someone, even those we just meet.  So this step and mentality may take some practice.  Focus on the fun.  When the fun begins to wane or if you suspect the other person is beginning to develop feelings for you, you have to walk away.  Detach and flee quickly and without warning.

Not doing so will result in unnecessary drama and emotional conflict.  Both of these are the very antithesis of “fun.”

2.  Appearance

Doing You also comes with a sub-requirement that merits it’s own entry: Appearance.  It’s hard to be a Heartbreaker with unshaven legs, split ends, dry skin and half-painted nails.  Sexual attraction, especially surface sexual attraction, is motivated by visual appeal.  Make sure that no matter what, you clear your schedule for one day a week and do all the girly maintenance at once.  Not only will it increase your confidence, it will ensure that you shine and stand out from your competition.  Shiny things don’t only attract the eyes of women. 😉

3.  Be Bold.

You only get what you really want.  If you see a person you would like to get to know, you aren’t going to get to know them by sitting and playing on your phone.  You have to “grow a pair of tits”, as Lily Allen would say, and approach them.  For some, it takes slipping into a “character”, someone perhaps not timid like their usual self.  For others, it takes a drink or two…or music…or meditation…or “motivation” (for the actors out there).  Whatever it takes you to become assertive, do it!  I guarantee after a while that your personality will change and assertiveness will become part of your nature.  If you’re lucky, it will not only help your love life, but your career, your other passions and your meaningful relationships.

Boldness should permeate your wardrobe, your speech, your ability to make eye contact, your approach, your body language and your sense of adventure.

4.  Play the field.

Go big or go home.  You can’t be a Heartbreaker by focusing all your attention on one person.  By definition, a Heartbreaker plays the field.  Ideally, you should never date the same person more than once, but given reality, there will be those that you quite enjoy and want to take out for another test drive. You should always be on the lookout for new players to add to the fold. Keep an influx of new players and an outflux of retirees.  Never go out or meet more than twice or feelings will begin to form, even in “Friends with Benefits” situations.

5.  Keep him/her at bay and definitely make them work for it.

Being too available wreaks of desperation.  And while I’m not a big proponent of playing games, being a Heartbreaker is unfortunately one of the times when it’s a necessary evil.  Anything catchable is not worth having.  Remain elusive.  If he/she calls, give it a few days before calling back.  Make tentative plans and don’t follow through.  Don’t divulge the minutiae of your day, details about your personal life, your real social media information, information about your family or your past relationships.  Your goal is to remain a woman of mystery, to give the impression that you have a life outside of him/her and that you have better things to do than sit by the phone or computer waiting for correspondence.

Better yet, don’t fake it!  Get out there.  Be on the prowl.  Be experiencing new things, meeting new people, and living!

Put the onus on the other person to plan, organize and pay for the date.  They should be trying to impress you rather than the other way around.  Heartbreakers are in it merely for the fun, and all that planning and organizing takes too much energy.

we__re_not_the_perfect_two_by_asheemerson-d4s6h5p6.  Build them up.

It’s important to remain neutral in your emotional involvement, but the largest part of being a Heartbreaker is the actually breaking of the hearts.

While on dates, become “the ideal woman.”  You must be able to morph into the characteristics they find most attractive.  Learn as much as everything as you can because you never know when you might need it.  For instance, if he’s into Baseball, you should be able to site enough information to gain some credibility.  Learn some stats or player’s names.  Or if you are more of a football girl, that’s okay too.  It still shows an interest in sports without mimicking his interests exactly.  You want to create the illusion that every interest they have is validated, is special and is shared.  Great Heartbreakers scope this information out in the pre-date conversation.  Being prepared will make the date less awkward.

Your goal is to become the “perfect girl” in the few hours you will spend with them.  Like a salesperson, you have to have them believe you might just be “the one” so that when you walk away (no later than date #2), there is a real and stinging emotional let-down, a breaking of their heart.

7.  And finally, Grow a thick skin.

Being a Heartbreaker is not to be taken lightly.  It’s hard work.  It’s emotionally disastrous if you aren’t in the right head space.  And what may be fun at first, becomes empty quickly.  It’s not a cure for loneliness, nor will you always be proud of yourself.

But try to at least have some fun while it lasts.

Mistress Elle: Bathtime Fun

 

Elle

Not everything with Mistress Elle is a punishment.  Sometimes I like to reward my little beasts with some playtime.

Sometimes, nothing feels as bad as some good clean fun.
When was the last time you had a couple bath?

Yeah, I know.  Bathes and showers are a part of our daily routine.  We hop in.  We clean, and we hurry out on our way to work, or to school, or to bed.

But don’t wash them away so easily…

Couple bathes can be a great way to reconnect with your partner in a soapy, slippery, touch-based communication session that proves a relaxing begin to foreplay if done correctly.

It can be a clean way to play,

a way to pamper one another,

or when taken a bit farther…a way to break away from the norm, i.e. your bed.

So load up on the bubble bath, baby oil, candles and shampoo and plan some “alone” time in the bathroom on your next date night.

Cleansing yourself doesn’t have to be part of your mundane routine EVERY time.   Get a little dirty while getting clean!

Mistress out.

 

Liv’n The Single Life: Sex at the Workplace

Liv 'n The Single Life

“My god! Why would anyone do such a risky thing?”

…Because being bad feels good.

 

Think about it.  We all like to feel like we are doing something we shouldn’t.  That adrenaline rush, the sneaking around…makes it so much hotter. Not to mention the fact that it definitely makes the work day go by so much faster and is more entertaining.  If you have little flirtations and the possibility of something so out of the ordinary, it makes for wonderful mental imagery and gets your libido fired up. If you’re in between relationships, or in a bad one, Momma always said the best way to get over a man is to get under a new one.

Should you or shouldn’t you?

Well, I am here to tell you the pros and cons, and then you can make that decision for yourselves.

Everyone has had those initial feelings of lust and sexual attraction.  Those make your heart race and mind wander to thoughts and scenarios that make you feel guilty or nervous.

It could be the Greek god-like golf club member who makes you feel like your vagina is throbbing so loud other people know what fantasy is in your mind when you watch him. And when he asks you to go into the locker room after closing up shop, you think, “My god.  If I get caught, I will lose my job.”  It could be your boss at the law firm, the chief engineer in your apartment building, or the chef in the restaurant where you work.  That taboo can make any workplace seem so much more exciting. Giving someone head in front of the mirrored doors at the hotel you both work at or having sex on the work bench in the basement can be so exquisitely hot and hard and fast.

That being said, there are some pros and cons to doing the dirty deed where you earn your bread and butter.  Sexual harassment is a very sticky situation.  There are obviously complications if one or both of you are attached.  If you break up a happy family, or tarnish your professional reputation, it could most definitely change your life.  Sometimes we need a change, and we do things that make it happen so we do not have to make the choice. And other times, we just want to have a little fun.

Worst case scenario, you get caught on the pool table at the club, mid-stroke while he is attempting a trick shot with you in a compromising position…or under the bleachers at the stadium when one of you is supposed to be playing and the other is supposed to be working in the snack shop. That could be one humiliating scene you will never forget, but the person who catches you enjoys telling it over and over and over.

It can be so disappointing. If you have an encounter that turns out to be less then fulfilling, then you have to face this chef with the wiggly, pasta noodle penis every day at work, and you may start to really resent even the smallest things.  Work-related comments may seem full of innuendo or take on new meaning.

Or if it is your boss, and he starts throwing spending money your way to go get new shoes, or sends you on errands that are demeaning, or in his worry to keep you from telling his wife, makes rude comments or smacks your ass as you walk up the stairs, or comments in front of clients that you are showing too much cleavage…you have now crossed into the uncomfortable zone.

Then there is the possibility of it developing into a habit, and then, feelings, and maybe you end up becoming a “couple.”  How do you work together and not get caught?  If you have a workplace code of conduct that restricts you from dating that client or a coworker, you may end up having to quit your job or move your business elsewhere.

What about feelings?

You could get your feelings hurt if you enjoy it and then the other person moves on to the next hot piece of ass.  You have to know yourself well enough to know if it is going to be something you can actually handle.

If you can keep in mind that everything has an ending, it WILL end one way or the other, eventually.  You will do the deed.  It will be wham, bam, and no thank you, ma’am, because he is now filled with shame and remorse or worried he will get caught.

Or if he did not exactly ring the bell…like he so eloquently talked his game to make you think that sex on your desk after the school bell rings would be so hot, and you would be that badass teacher that everyone is hot for. Then you find out he has a wee-willy, winky dick, and it literally lasted less than two minutes. How do you face each other at recess duty?

Think this all through and decide if you really can keep your mouth shut to protect his family life.  Or keep yourself from feeling like the realtor who would take one for the team to close a sale, that everyone in town talks about at the water cooler.

Sometimes you need to shake things up, and it can end up being one of the memories you look back on often and think, “My god.  I did that?”.   If you take the risk, and it works out, it may be something for you to think about when you are too old to get it up, but you can sure reminisce and have good stories to tell your grandchildren to throw them off their game, when they think they have invented sex, and have yet to realize that back in the day you were quite the looker and hot-to-trot.

Or you could be sitting there wondering if you HAD taken that chance, what would it have been like?  Is this Greek Adonis really worth risking your livelihood over and taking that chance to find out if it is all you thought it may be?

Well it was for me, but now you decide for you.

Pondering Cupid

by Kristie LeVangie

I’m plagued today with the idea of Cupid.  I recently went for a walk through the local art museum.  I became entranced with the artful depictions of this little weapon-yielding, winged, naked baby put in charge of such a monumental thing as Love.

Image

Each Renaissance-period oil-soaked canvas shows an angelic toddler with tiny white wings and a barren chubby body.  He parades his nakedness in insinuating innocence.  His right hand cradles a small bow while arrows of attraction and repulsion are gathered precariously in the small quiver affixed to his back.

I guess I am most intrigued by the contrary nature of little Cupid’s depiction.  How can this Romantic depiction be so contrary to the actual effects of this catastrophic calamity called Love?

There is something unsettling about the notion that a baby is in charge of the “slings and arrows” of love, but it is true that he often has bad aim.  We would expect that from a weak-muscled cherub.  But I would argue against his innocence as his archery often shows a malicious disregard for its target.  Such carelessness has at times altered history and caused the downfalls of empires.

The innocence of the dear child runs counter to the human manipulation and torrid storms of relationships.  Where is the evil Loki who runs around mischievously fired enamored arrows into complete strangers, mismatched personalities and forbidden targets?

Cupid is never depicted with a sly grin, a slanted eyebrow or a devilish thought.

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Cupid is no better than a serial killer who decides upon his target, stalks his prey, and often attacks them in their most vulnerable state.  Such was one painting where the little boy was climbing upon a concrete bench in which a maiden slept peacefully.  And according to the artist’s perception in this painting, we have little resistance to his mayhem.  How would we defend ourselves with our eyes closed as they so often are when it comes to Love?

This painting isn’t the same one I’m referring to (as it depicts Cupid as a man), but it’s close.

Image

Cupid himself was unable to stay with his love, Psyche.  According to legend, Psyche was a mortal.  Cupid fell in love with her but she was forbidden to look at him.  One night dying from curiosity, she lit a candle and gazed at her lover in the dark candlelit room.  As she stood admiring his form, she accidentally spilled a bit of candle wax on him.  He awoke in anger that she had disobeyed and fled leaving her alone.   There’s more to the story, but it’s funny that even the epitome of Love (he was Aphrodite’s son, for truth’s sake) found walking away a better answer to staying and working things out.

And what becomes of the maiden in our painting?  Little does she know that upon awakening, she will be straddled with a short courtship, ensuing financial disagreements, maintaining a household complete with multitudes of children, and keeping a watchful eye on a potentially straying husband.  Little does she know that her life, and her innocence for that matter, will now be shattered, and her heart will grow a little more saddened with each passing day at the futility of it all.  And little does she know that upon awakening, she will be fevered with someone who may or may not return her affection, will underestimate her value, and will always be keeping a roaming eye for something better to come along.

Little does she know…and little do we until we’ve tangled with the fat little man they call Cupid.

…Of course, this is just my jaded opinion.  😉

“Filling In” Social Media and Your Other Online Profiles

me

 

 

by Kristie LeVangie

It never ceases to amaze me about the assumptions I get from people based on who I am and what I do.

“I heard you are a lesbian.”

“You have sex all day.  What do you think?”

“Ask Kristie what that is.  She knows all about that freaky sex shit.”

“So how do you successfully juggle multiple men?”

It took me some time to uncover where these assumptions were coming from.  How did these assumptions get attributed to me? And what do I do about setting these people straight?

I’m a straight (but gay supporting) monogamous woman, who has the same relationship challenges and woes as other women.  I may be more promiscuous than your average woman, but I’m not running amuck humping everything in sight.

Then…Like a grand epiphany, it dawned on me what was REALLY going on here.

Mind_the_gap_2

There’s a theory in psychology called “filling in.”  “The brain uses our surroundings to literally make up what we cannot see, covering the holes with its best guess as to what’s there,” explains The Weekly Show’s website.  (If you follow the link to the website, there are some great visual exercises to help explain the phenomenon.)

I propose that this process of “filling in” is the same process we use  in regards to social profiles.

Bear with me for a minute here…I’m about to get all psychological, philosophical and logical all up in this bitch.

Most of us have two “personas”: our true life one and our online/virtual one.

In most cases, it isn’t our intent to set up our online personas falsely.  We pick the best or most interesting attributes about ourselves and publish them for the world to see.  It would be impossible for us to include each and every detail about ourselves, and in an effort to make ourselves appear more happy, more confident, more secure with the public aspect of it, we omit our worst parts and craft a careful virtual image of ourselves for everyone to see.

It will never reflect our “true life” self, but in our eyes, it crafts the gist of “who” we are.

This part we can control.

What we can’t control is the “filling in” of our virtual friends, potential partners and, sometimes, as in my case, fans.

Perusers of our online profiles will have a natural inclination to take what they do know about us (the things we put out there in our profiles) and fill in the remaining details based on their assumptions, experiences or expectations of what information is missing.

For example, I post a lot of sexually-based news posts about freaky shit going on out there in the world.  (Like this one.)

Now, I may not participate in any type of Looner play, but because I posted this article and even went so far as to research it, I’m automatically attributed an “expert” of fetish because that is what is filled in by my readers.  Or for some, I’m just a downright freak.

This phenomenon especially plays out in the dating world when it comes to online profiles.  The judgment is higher and acceptability among peers is more sensitive.  This could explain the consistent disappointments of “they were nothing like their profile” so often reported by online daters.  Perhaps the tendency to “fill in” based on our previous dating experience is even stronger, so we dupe ourselves by creating an even more distorted view of potential suitors.

(I will note that there are genuine liars and scammers out there.  I am not addressing the deliberate misleading profiles here.  Let’s assume I’m talking about the average Joe or Josephine.)

I haven’t seen any research on this phenomenon being applied to social media profiles, so this is really just my hypothesis.  But I think it makes sense.

Does it to you?