sex advice

Is Keeping Your Cookie in the Jar Unrealistic?

Laura Wize Cookie

I am on strike and it’s nothing new. When I am single I usually do not partake in casual sex. Honestly it’s a bunch of effort creating a false sense of intimacy with a guy, so we can have real sex.  Creating false trust with a man is like watching sand fall through an hourglass, it’s just a matter of time before something shady goes down.

I read Glamazon Tyomi’s article on ebony.com Sex Before Commitmet or Nah? She took a poll to determine if abstinence is the path to marriage or if we are fooling ourselves. The vast majority 62.5% felt it didn’t effect their chances of a long term relationship.

I know couples who had sex within the first few dates who eventually got married. That being said I don’t have a great deal of married friends. I think the way society is set up it doesn’t matter if you wait or sleep with someone new every night you can end up being the same amount of single.

There is no magical set of actions that will make you un-single, but what if abstinence became a filter? A way to weed out the worthy and the unworthy and the process of locating the worthy became more diligent. This concept would only be valid to ladies who desire commitment. (because I am not anti-sex in any way)

What if, the thing that is really keeping you from being in a committed relationship is you are trying to make relationships out of great sex? People can say what they want but for women sex can often create emotional attachments. You can say with your mouth that this isn’t serious but after you’ve been intimate with someone the lines get blurred. In all honesty the only time sex is truly crystal clear is when it’s bad.

These are my four reasons to “Keep Your Cookie in the Jar”

Hi, have we dated?

Dating is an endangered species. I know at least three couples in real life who never went on a date until they officially became boyfriend and girlfriend. Stop falling for the “Netflix and chill” it gives the man too much opportunity to get you comfortable.

Make him date you by making a suggestion for an short activity in public. You can take a walk, get an ice cream, or grab a coffee. If he isn’t down for any of your suggestions you can forget to text him back. You have your own Netflix subscription and you can chill alone. Your cookie shouldn’t even leave it’s air tight container if you have no level of friendship and a man who won’t date you is a stranger.

5 Dates Ain’t Enough

If you are lucky enough to meet someone who will date you and take you on more than one date, rejoice. After you have done your private happy dance don’t ease up just yet. The choice not to have sex is not malicious you just really want to make sure that the presenter and the man are one.

Most men know the deal and know just how long they need to be on their best behavior. Don’t be a shrinking violet. Men are not afraid to let women down when it comes to their expectations. I am not suggesting that Mr. Wonderful isn’t all that he says he is but wouldn’t it be nice to be sure.

Stop Getting into Sexuationships

If you are over the age of 25 you are too old to be friends with benefits. If you think having sex with someone and quietly keeping your feelings to yourself is healthy, grow up. Why are you giving a Section 8 Voucher to your Park Avenue pent house.

If it’s sex then let it be sex but don’t be friends. I understand women have needs but potential friends with benefits just take up space. FWB is a form of settling and you settle with bill collectors not in relationships. Why waste time when you can keep the cookie in the jar.

Maybe I belong in the natural history museum for even suggesting to millennial woman not to have sex. I just feel if you’ve had it before what’s the rush? Especially if you desire to find someone who will last beyond a moment. Sex can cloud compatibility and a torrid affair is passionate but it only lasts for so long. Once again I am not anti sex keep the lines of communication open. I’m just suggesting knowing a person a little better before getting kinky.

Don’t get sad, get free!!

I read a woman’s Facebook status where she stated she wished she could un-have sex with someone. My immediate first thought was stop having sex with people. That thought wasn’t judgemental it was real. If you’re not having sex you don’t have these awkward moments with men after they reveal their true selves.

You can’t control when you will meet Mr. Right. You can control what you do and do not give Mr. Wrong. Nothing feels better than that sigh of relief “Thank God, I didn’t sleep with that jerk!”

Once again, I could be the cave woman preaching to the millennial. At some point you have to ask yourself is the road to commitment one of choice or chance? Should you leave no stone left unturned? In my case I plan on letting the rolling stones pass me by. Some heartbreak is inevitable and some is excessive.

The beautiful sex organ is between your ears and not your legs-She’s Gotta Have It

For more Oh Wize One be sure to  follow her on Facebook at OhWize One, Instagram@ohwizeone, twitter @ohwize1. Remember to share the wisdom with friends!!

 

Source: Is Keeping Your Cookie in the Jar Unrealistic?

INTERVIEW: Cassie Wolfe, LCSW, MEd., PhD Candidate

Cassie Wolfe, LCSW, MEd., PhD Candidate

Cassie Wolfe

Cassie Wolfe is a clinical social worker at an inpatient psychiatric facility where she provides case management and therapy (specializing in human sexuality) for adults, and sex education to our two adolescent units. She is also a guest lecture and facilitates trainings to other healthcare professionals on a variety of sexuality-related issues: adolescent sexuality, working with the LGBTQ population, and transgender healthcare concerns. And as if that weren’t enough, she is also part of a “sex expert” panel for dick-and-jane.com providing sex and relationship advice to members who email questions.

How did you find yourself here? What’s your story?

Like many other young people, I was obsessed with learning and talking about sex. Since I was always open to talking about sex and relationships, I became the “go to” person for my friends. At 16, an opportunity presented itself to become an editorial board member for a nationally published teen written sexuality newsletter, Sex, Etc. Writing about sexual health issues sparked my desire to continue the conversation about sex and healthy sexuality by exploring any and every issue on the sexuality spectrum. I often joked about becoming a “sex therapist” and even dressed up as what I thought one might look like, for Halloween one year! Deep inside I knew I wanted to somehow merge my passion for helping people resolve their problems with my love and curiosity about sexual health; but, I was clueless about how to make it a reality.

My first real job out of college was as a treatment adherence counselor for individuals who were HIV-positive. It wasn’t, however, until my friend, Heather and I were drinking Starbucks and rummaging through books about relationships at Barnes and Nobles that I realized what I wanted and needed to do. Heather said, “I don’t know why you’re not doing this! You’ve always wanted to do sex therapy – do it already!” That night I started googling programs and was eventually accepted into Widener University’s dual degree masters in social work and doctorate in human sexuality program. Since starting the program, I have continued to work with people with HIV/AIDS, mental health, and/or substance abuse issues. I hope to eventually open a private practice and continue working with other healthcare professionals to educate them about sexuality issues that affect the people they treat.

If you could go back, would you do it again or take another path? And what would that look like you think?

I was always fascinated with law and animals; however, there’s not one day I wake up and think “What if.” I wake up every day loving what I do and feel inspired to do more. There was a three year gap between the time I graduated from undergrad and entered grad school; so perhaps if I could’ve changed my journey, I would’ve had it start a bit sooner.

Describe your life in one word.

Fan-fucking-tastical!

What’s your guilty pleasure?

Watching Judge Judy.

Worst assumptions made about you based on what you do?

Lots! That I must have something psychologically wrong with me to enjoy talking about sex and listening to people talk about their sex lives; that I must have been sexually abused as a child to pursue a career in this field; that I have sex with my clients; that I have sex with my clients and then teach them how to be better; that I somehow know everything about sex; that I must be interested in any and every sexual behavior; or that I watch couples having sex and coach them through every moment. There’s also this assumption that I’m one dimensional and only want to talk about sex 24/7.

Are women as sexually graphic as men in your experience?

I find that when people, both men and women, feel safe, comfortable, and trusting, they are equally as graphic. Sometimes all someone needs is permission to express him/herself free of guilt and judgment, and then poof, the floodgates are opened!

Correct some misconceptions about (your project/career/lifestyle).

Right now there is no title protection for terms like “therapist,” “counselor,” or “educator.” There are some people who have no formal training in human sexuality and are able to offer services and identify themselves as any of those titles. There are people who also identify themselves as “sexual surrogates” or “body workers” and also as “counselors,” who do engage sexually with the people who come to them for help. This creates mass confusion about who does what and why there are many assumptions about whether sex therapists have sex with their clients. Clinical professions such as social workers, psychologists, licensed professional counselors, marriage and family therapists, and psychiatrists are all ethically bound by their respective boards to NOT have sexual relationships with their clients. Doing otherwise is a major ethical violation that would likely result in the loss of one’s license and ability to practice. In most states, it is still illegal to pay for sex or sexual acts like prostate massages or masturbation. If people are ever confused about what services someone is offering, a good starting place is to look up the credentials after their name.

Contact Cassie at any of her social media links:

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Sex-Guru/152356908153692?ref=hl

Twitter: @SexGuruCSW

Other: http://dick-n-jane.com/cassie-wolf/

INTERVIEW: Lady Monster

Lady Monster

Official Website: http://www.ladymonster.com

DSC_3645-XL

I’ve had the tremendous pleasure of sharing the stage with her talent and beauty.  Libidacoria Magazine is proud to present this interview with Lady Monster, a woman with seemingly no limits.

What do you do:

burlesque performer, a Satan’s Angel-sanctioned Queen of the Fire Tassels, producer, co-founder of The Columbus Burlesque Collective, syndicated sex advice columnist, performance artist, actress, model, radio DJ, recording artist, workshop facilitator, and voted as one of the Top 100 Burlesque Performers in the World by her peers in the 2010 21st Century Magazine poll.

How did you find yourself here?  What’s your story?

I used to perform a striptease to my stuffed animals when getting ready for bed– undressing from my regular clothes into my pajamas. I turned it into a performance, and I was maybe 10 years old. It’s just come naturally to me.

I was a known sexual performance artist in town and told about a new burlesque troupe starting in Columbus, Ohio (1999) – Miss Kitty’s Hot Box. I was told secondhand that I had to have dance training and fit into a certain size of costuming. I believed it and didn’t pursue it.

When I moved to San Francisco in 2001, I found out about the Big Burlesque/Fat-Bottom Revue troupe in 2004. They were the first all plus-size touring burlesque troupe. I started going to all of their shows, talking to their performers, asking to audition and learning the art of burlesque. One of their dancers told me, “You’re not big enough to be part of our troupe.” I continued to pursue them though and finally talked to the troupe leader. She asked, “How do you identify?” I said, “Voluptuous, thick”.  She responded that I should audition when they decide to bring in new members. I waited on pins and needles for that day. Finally in May 2005, I performed burlesque in front of an audience for the first time. Heather MacAllister, the director and founder of the troupe had Stage IV Ovarian Cancer. She eventually succumbed in 2007, disbanding the troupe in 2006. I continued as a solo performer.

What was your moment—the moment you realized you “made” it?

Seeing that Al Jourgensen made one of my poems a song, a really kick-ass song, and put it on the Revolting Cocks album, Cocked and Loaded. I received the CD in the mail, from him personally. He asked to record me reading some of my poetry. I didn’t go to a recording studio, we did it right through the landline at Jello Biafra’s house. I started listening to the CD to see how/if he used any of my lines of poetry within the tracks. Then I see it on the track listing, Revolting Cock Au Lait. He asked me to read my poem/punk rock song, Cock Au Lait with Revolting tacked on. I did, and he had to stifle his laughter. I’ll never forget hearing him bust up as soon as I finished reading it. When I heard that song on the CD, saw my name listed on the credits, I cried, screamed, jumped up and down, turned it up loud, danced, cried, screamed…

Lady MonsterWhat’s your sexiest turn-on?

Teasing. I love it. Performing burlesque turns me on.

Are all men as sex-crazed as we think?

I have a stronger sex drive than any man I’ve ever met. No one has yet been able to keep up with me.

 Are women as sexually graphic as men in your experience?

More so.

Where do you get your inspiration?

Music, art and other performers and artists.

What makes a good story?

Cohesion, paying attention to the elements of the story, build-up, and bringing all your element together for a conclusion.

What’s your cure for creative blockage?

Being social. I’m an extrovert and am my most creative when surrounded by others’ energy.

Have you embraced technology or are you still a pen and paper writer?

I love pen and paper. I am much more creative when sitting down in the dark somewhere, scribbling out my deepest thoughts, not worrying about writing it straight or legibly, just needing to get it out. I also love technology and learning new ways to incorporate it into my acts.

What 3 people have influenced you most?  Why?

Don Pavelcik, Jello Biafra, Satan’s Angel

Don Pavelcik was my partner in crime with our regular event, Circus of Cool. He gathered jazz musicians and produced the show. I gathered poets. Together, we read poetry to the Beat. He called me The Feminist of All Feminists. Don believed in me, encouraged me, and put me high on a pedestal. He loved me and helped me grow in many ways. He was called “The Pope” because he was a mentor to a lot of people. I was going to stop being a performer all together, but he brought Lady Monster back to life in 1995.

I met Jello Biafra in Chicago in 1999. We started dating the next year. I moved in with him in 2001. We broke up in 2006. During that time, I did a lot of work for him, researching articles and news stories, transcribing performances being used for his spoken word albums and more. He was my first burlesque coach. He has a vast collection of Something Weird videos, and we watched the Tease-A-Rama tapes. Jello also has an enormous, world-class vinyl record collection. He poured through it, finding cool burlesque-y music for me to use in a routine. When we found a song, he’d begin dancing and performing a striptease, showing me what to do. He has a theater background and so many years of performing onstage singing for the Dead Kennedys, acting out the lyrics to his songs. I was continually learning new things from him and cherish that special time in my life with him. We continue to be good friends.

When I joined the Fat-Bottom Revue/Big Burlesque troupe, I was given history lessons. Heather told about Satan’s Angel and her fire tassels. I saw her perform this act at Tease-O-Rama in October 2005. I screamed and was floored by her presence. We met, but she wouldn’t remember me until spending time together at Miss Exotic World in 2007. She taught me how to twirl fire tassels in her home in Palm Springs in 2008. I traveled to her for the privilege. It took less than a half an hour. She said I was a natural and crowned me A Queen of the Fire Tassels. As soon as I left her home, I cried on the drive back to the airport. I knew my life was forever changed. Who knew that at age 39 I would find my given talent?

She and I became fast friends and soon were talking a few days a week on the phone for long periods of time. Angel mentored me, and I became her protege – The Spawn of Satan’s Angel. Even in 2007, before she and I got to know one another, I had other performers telling me I was channeling Angel onstage, that I looked and moved just like her. It seems no matter what I do, it comes off looking like a tribute to her.

I am honored that people are so moved by my performances to provide such high praise.

Any awkward moments where people recognize you?

Never awkward. I love my fans. I wouldn’t be a performer without people that appreciate my performances.

If you could go back, would you do it again or take another path?  And what would that look like you think?

There are things that I would do differently as a burlesque performer.  I have gotten caught up in others’ drama, and I wish I’d stayed out of it. I advise anyone who is a performer to keep it positive. Respect fellow performers. Never listen to gossip or shit-talk. Stay out of drama. Never create drama. All of your fellow burlesquers are your family. Respect and love them for sharing the love of the art and perpetuating it. For those that decide to start rumors, talk negative or create a negative vibe, I am staying away from you (and so will most others in the burlesque community).

Worst assumptions made about you based on what you do?

If someone makes a poor assumption, I’m there to educate them. Some people feel that it’s wrong for me to perform burlesque at my age and my size. They obviously don’t know what burlesque is, and that it has no limits regarding age, size, gender. The one thing that keeps it burlesque is the tease. It is the Art of the Strip Tease, after all. Being an example and inspiration to others that are older and bigger in size has meant a great deal to me.

 

Check out Lady Monster’s appearance at the 2013 Texas Burlesque Festival here:

 

And check out her YouTube channel to catch even more of her performances.

 

IFYou can find out more about Lady Monster by visiting her official website at www.ladymonster.com, her facebook page, or you can also find her on Twitter.

Planning a visit to Columbus?  Find out more about The Columbus Burlesque Collective,  by visiting their site here.